On September 6, 2011 I wrote a blog about having an identity crisis. I was at a spot that I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to be doing with my time now that Eleanor was in school. I remember that time in my life very clearly. I remember praying about a job, a chance to volunteer or something to make my days go by. His answer at that time was clearly to work on myself. Every time I tried to find something to do, it would fall through.
Since then, I have had several things come up and I would always pray and ask God if this was something he wanted me to do. I asked him about substituting or trying to find a job at a Mother's Morning Out. I asked him about possibly starting a chapter of Blessings in a Backpack in the Huntsville/Madison area. I asked him if I should be a travel agent and even went as far as asking my Sister in Law if she needed help with her business. Each time, the answer was no.
As time went by, I just didn't worry about it anymore. It was obvious that God just wanted me to be still. To focus on him and on being a wife and a mother. In fact, I stopped praying about my purpose in life. I stopped praying about what I was supposed to do. I just started living and taking each opportunity that was given to share the love of Christ. I volunteer regularly at Eleanor's school. I coupon and try to manage the gifts we have been given wisely. I just do what needs to be done and shop at Target in my free time. :)
Yesterday, out of the blue, my sister in law, April, called and asked if I was still interested in helping her out. She is so busy with her travel agency and another business she is a part of, that she felt like she needed to take on a couple of more people. I had to giggle to myself. It struck me funny that God worked it all out even when I wasn't actively pursuing anything. He orchastrated it all in his own timing. Isn't it neat how it always works out that way.
It was a great reminder to me that we should pray and leave it at the feet of Jesus. He hears our prayers the first time. He knows what we need and he is working it out for us. I don't think it is a bad thing to pray repeatedly for the same thing. But, we need to do it with the knowledge that he heard us the first time. Just becuase he doesn't answer right away does not mean that he isn't working on it. Sometimes it takes time to get everything and everyone to the right place. It reminds me of this beautiful hymn:
Have faith in God when you prayers are unanswered
Your earnest plea He will never forget
Wait on the Lord, trust His Word and be patient
Have faith in God, He'll answer yet
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Learning to Rely on God
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we arselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God. 2 Corinthians 1:9
"I just can't catch a break!"
"Why is it always something? "
"Why is God picking on me? Can't he just let me catch my breath?"
Have you ever felt that way? I know I have. You are put through the refiner's fire only to be thrown back in again. Trail after trial comes your way and you feel like you can't handle anymore. Or you finally get a handle on something, only to feel like you are pushed back under water before you can get a full breath of air in your lungs. Time after time, God seems to be allowing you to go through too much.
I have certainly felt that way in the last few months. Just when I get comfortable and feel like things are under control, something else is thrown at me. But, I have started to be thankful for these times. Do I enjoy being pruned by my Lord? No, it is painful. But, I am seeing the fruits of it. I am seeing how God is reshaping and remolding me. I handle situations differently(most of the time). I see hardships and trials differently. I am learning very clear lessons.
One of the biggest lessons I am being taught is reliance on God. I am learning that God puts us in impossible situations that teach us one thing. To rely on him. We don't always go there. We sometimes rely on other things. Just as I used to rely on food for comfort when times got tough. But, my friend, when we learn to rely on God during the tough times, great things happen. Wonderful, amazing things happen. Oh, going through it STINKS! It is not like I wake up and say in a sing-song voice, "pick me, Lord! I want to be tested and tried today!!" But, I can tell you that I am ever so grateful that God has seen fit to make me more like him. So I will gladly learn this lesson time and time again.
Reliance on God isn't a one time lesson. Nothing is ever a one time lesson. We are self-centered people that often forget that we need God. It is shown time and again in the bible. God does great things for people and they are grateful. Then over time, they forget and they wander away from God. That is why I am glad that God keeps putting things in my path that make me turn back to him. Over and over again. The big and the small stuff keep me running to my Lord. Running and praying for guidance and for peace. Praying for strength and for patience. But most of all, praying that the lesson will be learned.
I need God. I can't do it without him. Not for a single minute. The more I realize that, the more I can sit back and let the Lord work. I don't fight the pruning as much as I once did. I am seeing that when I am relying on God, then his purpose is served. Because, in the end, that reliance turns into glorification of his name. It makes me realize that it was never possible without God. All the glory of making it through the tough times goes to the one who deserves it. GOD.
We need to stop looking at our trouble as negatives and see all the positives that are going to come out of it. It is all about a change of perspective. Oh, and a change of direction. We have to stop relying on ourselves and others and start relying on God.
...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God. 2 Corinthians 1:9
"I just can't catch a break!"
"Why is it always something? "
"Why is God picking on me? Can't he just let me catch my breath?"
Have you ever felt that way? I know I have. You are put through the refiner's fire only to be thrown back in again. Trail after trial comes your way and you feel like you can't handle anymore. Or you finally get a handle on something, only to feel like you are pushed back under water before you can get a full breath of air in your lungs. Time after time, God seems to be allowing you to go through too much.
I have certainly felt that way in the last few months. Just when I get comfortable and feel like things are under control, something else is thrown at me. But, I have started to be thankful for these times. Do I enjoy being pruned by my Lord? No, it is painful. But, I am seeing the fruits of it. I am seeing how God is reshaping and remolding me. I handle situations differently(most of the time). I see hardships and trials differently. I am learning very clear lessons.
One of the biggest lessons I am being taught is reliance on God. I am learning that God puts us in impossible situations that teach us one thing. To rely on him. We don't always go there. We sometimes rely on other things. Just as I used to rely on food for comfort when times got tough. But, my friend, when we learn to rely on God during the tough times, great things happen. Wonderful, amazing things happen. Oh, going through it STINKS! It is not like I wake up and say in a sing-song voice, "pick me, Lord! I want to be tested and tried today!!" But, I can tell you that I am ever so grateful that God has seen fit to make me more like him. So I will gladly learn this lesson time and time again.
Reliance on God isn't a one time lesson. Nothing is ever a one time lesson. We are self-centered people that often forget that we need God. It is shown time and again in the bible. God does great things for people and they are grateful. Then over time, they forget and they wander away from God. That is why I am glad that God keeps putting things in my path that make me turn back to him. Over and over again. The big and the small stuff keep me running to my Lord. Running and praying for guidance and for peace. Praying for strength and for patience. But most of all, praying that the lesson will be learned.
I need God. I can't do it without him. Not for a single minute. The more I realize that, the more I can sit back and let the Lord work. I don't fight the pruning as much as I once did. I am seeing that when I am relying on God, then his purpose is served. Because, in the end, that reliance turns into glorification of his name. It makes me realize that it was never possible without God. All the glory of making it through the tough times goes to the one who deserves it. GOD.
We need to stop looking at our trouble as negatives and see all the positives that are going to come out of it. It is all about a change of perspective. Oh, and a change of direction. We have to stop relying on ourselves and others and start relying on God.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
My Lenten Sacrifice
I want to start off by explaining why this Southern Baptist girl believes observing Lent can be so beneficial. It has always been a time for me to actively pursue a deeper relationship with God. Should it be the only time during the year that we do this? Why of course not, but it is a very special time when all the focus and attention is placed on the ultimate sacrifice that was made for each of us on the cross.
I have given up various things in the past. I have given up certain foods, taking naps, and eating out. These are just a few, but they serve as good examples of what I choose. You see, they represent aspects of my life that were not lining up with a right walk with God. They represents gluttony, slothfulness, and poor management of the gifts that God has given me. Because, really, is is a sin to drink Diet Mountain Dew or to take a nap? No, but it can be if it is what is coming between you and a good relationship with the Lord.
Now, in order for Lent to be done right, it needs to result in a change. It is not simply to give up something for 40 days only to return to your old habit when Easter rolls around. What good is it to deny yourself without allowing the Lord to work on the root of the problem?
With that said, I really couldn't think of anything to give up for Lent this year. I mean, my whole year has been sacrificing for my relationship with Christ. What more could I give? But, as I began to pray about it(Yes, you should let God choose it, not pick the thing that you think you can handle.), I realized there was something that God wanted me to give up. One last thing that has a hold on me. One thing that still controls me in this battle with my addiction. THE SCALE.
Strange and random, I know. But, the scale is the one thing that I am still obsessive about. That little piece of machinery controls my whole world. It either validates me or destroys me. It either makes me happy or it ruins my week. It controls my thoughts. Those moments with the scale tells me what kind of person I am. I allow it to dictate my self worth. There are years worth of rituals that have been developed with me and my scale. I can not imagine it being taken completely away from me. But, that is exactly what God has asked of me. He needs to break that last string of external dependence.
I know that my only validation should come from the Lord. I know that the scale shouldn't determine my mood or my self worth. That is a job for God. But, knowing it and actually believing it is different. So, for the next six weeks, I will be letting the Lord break me and then mold me into a woman that is even more dependent on him. A woman that can use the scale to determine the weight of my body and not the worthiness of my soul. For, if I only give up the scale and pine away for the moment that I can continue with my obsession, then it would have been for naught. That is not the point. The point is through my sacrifice that I be conformed. That every time I long for that scale for validation, that I will look to the cross instead. That my focus will be on Christ and not on the external.
I have given up various things in the past. I have given up certain foods, taking naps, and eating out. These are just a few, but they serve as good examples of what I choose. You see, they represent aspects of my life that were not lining up with a right walk with God. They represents gluttony, slothfulness, and poor management of the gifts that God has given me. Because, really, is is a sin to drink Diet Mountain Dew or to take a nap? No, but it can be if it is what is coming between you and a good relationship with the Lord.
Now, in order for Lent to be done right, it needs to result in a change. It is not simply to give up something for 40 days only to return to your old habit when Easter rolls around. What good is it to deny yourself without allowing the Lord to work on the root of the problem?
With that said, I really couldn't think of anything to give up for Lent this year. I mean, my whole year has been sacrificing for my relationship with Christ. What more could I give? But, as I began to pray about it(Yes, you should let God choose it, not pick the thing that you think you can handle.), I realized there was something that God wanted me to give up. One last thing that has a hold on me. One thing that still controls me in this battle with my addiction. THE SCALE.
Strange and random, I know. But, the scale is the one thing that I am still obsessive about. That little piece of machinery controls my whole world. It either validates me or destroys me. It either makes me happy or it ruins my week. It controls my thoughts. Those moments with the scale tells me what kind of person I am. I allow it to dictate my self worth. There are years worth of rituals that have been developed with me and my scale. I can not imagine it being taken completely away from me. But, that is exactly what God has asked of me. He needs to break that last string of external dependence.
I know that my only validation should come from the Lord. I know that the scale shouldn't determine my mood or my self worth. That is a job for God. But, knowing it and actually believing it is different. So, for the next six weeks, I will be letting the Lord break me and then mold me into a woman that is even more dependent on him. A woman that can use the scale to determine the weight of my body and not the worthiness of my soul. For, if I only give up the scale and pine away for the moment that I can continue with my obsession, then it would have been for naught. That is not the point. The point is through my sacrifice that I be conformed. That every time I long for that scale for validation, that I will look to the cross instead. That my focus will be on Christ and not on the external.
Friday, February 10, 2012
100 pounds
Today is the day, my friends. I am 100 pounds lighter than I was 9 months ago. All I can say, is praise the Lord. In my mind, I have been striving for this moment since the second that I woke up from my surgery. It isn't the end of the journey, but it is the moment that I can finally claim success. The moment that I can finally take a breath and know that the surgery worked.
It is a victorious moment. The very first thought I had when I saw that number on the scale this morning at the doctor's office was this.
HE IS STRONGER,
HE IS STRONGER,
SIN IS BROKEN,
HE HAS SAVED ME!
Oh, my friends, this song has been my anthem. Jesus is stronger than my addiction. Jesus has saved me from myself. Jesus broke my addiction when I never thought is was possible. Jesus has carried me through EVERY step of the way. There is no Mary in this victory. It has been proven time and time again that I couldn't even make a dent in the destruction of my life. I am living proof that God has won this victory. God has done a marvelous work in me. Day after day. Step after step. Pound after pound. He has transformed me.
But the most wonderful news is that he isn't finished with me yet! There is still weight to lose. I wonder what the next few months will bring. What lessons I will be taught. I am excited. I know that God is going to follow this through to completion. Next goal is 7 pounds. In seven pounds, I will be in ONEderland. Oh, how victorious it will be! Then from there, another 20 or so pounds until I am at my personal weight goal. Then it will be time to start trying for that second miracle. That baby that we so desire. So, my friends, it is going to be an exciting few months. Hang on to your hats!
It is a victorious moment. The very first thought I had when I saw that number on the scale this morning at the doctor's office was this.
HE IS STRONGER,
HE IS STRONGER,
SIN IS BROKEN,
HE HAS SAVED ME!
Oh, my friends, this song has been my anthem. Jesus is stronger than my addiction. Jesus has saved me from myself. Jesus broke my addiction when I never thought is was possible. Jesus has carried me through EVERY step of the way. There is no Mary in this victory. It has been proven time and time again that I couldn't even make a dent in the destruction of my life. I am living proof that God has won this victory. God has done a marvelous work in me. Day after day. Step after step. Pound after pound. He has transformed me.
But the most wonderful news is that he isn't finished with me yet! There is still weight to lose. I wonder what the next few months will bring. What lessons I will be taught. I am excited. I know that God is going to follow this through to completion. Next goal is 7 pounds. In seven pounds, I will be in ONEderland. Oh, how victorious it will be! Then from there, another 20 or so pounds until I am at my personal weight goal. Then it will be time to start trying for that second miracle. That baby that we so desire. So, my friends, it is going to be an exciting few months. Hang on to your hats!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Silent Trial
I want to write about something today that I am not very comfortable with. It is a topic that God has been prompting me to share, but I have been very resistant. I am hesitant simply because I do not want to cause anyone discomfort. I don't want for people to feel uncomfortable around me or to question my sincerity. But, none the less, God is urging me to share one of my most personal and difficult struggles with you all. Why? I don't know. I can't for the life of me see a reason why anyone would have to know. In fact, it has nothing to do with weight loss, so bare with me.
Bryan and I struggle with infertility. I know you may be thinking, but you don't have infertility. You already have a daughter. Eleanor was a miracle. She wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, we count that blessing every day. Yes, we know it is more than some have been blessed with. But, please don't discount our struggle to have another child. It is still our desire to have another child.
The question we are often asked is, "Are you guys going to have another child?" An innocent enough question, but, oh, how it nearly rips my heart out every time. That question never gets easier to hear. The struggle of trying for 5 years for a second child is brought to the surface and each time I have to fight to keep the emotions down.
Then the news of others expecting and delivering children is always hard. The pregnancy talk that naturally occurs at play dates and socials is sometimes more than I can bare. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I am truly overjoyed when someone else receives this blessing. There is no malice or ill feelings for the one that is pregnant. It is simply another reminder of what we have not received. So, the conflict is within my soul. It is never a feeling of how I feel about another person.
I think that very few can relate to the roller coaster of emotions that go along with infertility. Every month you are faced with the hope of what may be. Then it is always brought to a close with feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness. Month after month. Year after year. Always questioning never understanding. A silent battle that the infertile face in the alone moments. Very rarely speaking about it. Not knowing how to balance it in a world where there is always a reminder of what God has seen fit to withhold from you.
At times I find my self thinking that I must being doing something wrong. That God is somehow punishing me for something. The questions I often ask is "What is wrong with me? Why won't God give us the desire of our hearts?" I have prayed many times over that God would simply take the desire away.
Through the last 5 years, Bryan and I have found a contentment with what we have. It was a long road to get there, but we know that we have been blessed and actually enjoy our little family of 3. We gave myself a year off from trying. It has been a very peaceful 9 months. But, now is the time to start trying to get my body ready to conceive again. Medicines have begun and with that have come the emotions that go along with trying to conceive. Emotions that I have not had in awhile. Emotions that you never learn how to control.
Again, I have no idea why God feels it is necessary for me to share this with you all. Maybe it will be a reminder for those that are blessed so easily with children, not to take it for granted. Maybe there is someone out there that is longing for a different kind of blessing and never receiving. Maybe it is to bring awareness of those that are silently suffering with infertility. You know, the ones that are smiling on the outside and their heart is breaking on the inside every time they see a pregnant woman walk down the street.
I do know that God is with me every step of the way. I already see his hand in why he said no for so long. He needed to take me on this journey of weight loss and I would never have gone there had I received my blessing. But, now I fear and have trouble having faith that the answer will ever be yes. All I can do is pray as Hannah prayed. Pray in the hopes that one day, I will hold another child in my arms and receive my blessing. And on that day, be able to give all the glory to the God from whom all blessing flow.
Bryan and I struggle with infertility. I know you may be thinking, but you don't have infertility. You already have a daughter. Eleanor was a miracle. She wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, we count that blessing every day. Yes, we know it is more than some have been blessed with. But, please don't discount our struggle to have another child. It is still our desire to have another child.
The question we are often asked is, "Are you guys going to have another child?" An innocent enough question, but, oh, how it nearly rips my heart out every time. That question never gets easier to hear. The struggle of trying for 5 years for a second child is brought to the surface and each time I have to fight to keep the emotions down.
Then the news of others expecting and delivering children is always hard. The pregnancy talk that naturally occurs at play dates and socials is sometimes more than I can bare. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I am truly overjoyed when someone else receives this blessing. There is no malice or ill feelings for the one that is pregnant. It is simply another reminder of what we have not received. So, the conflict is within my soul. It is never a feeling of how I feel about another person.
I think that very few can relate to the roller coaster of emotions that go along with infertility. Every month you are faced with the hope of what may be. Then it is always brought to a close with feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness. Month after month. Year after year. Always questioning never understanding. A silent battle that the infertile face in the alone moments. Very rarely speaking about it. Not knowing how to balance it in a world where there is always a reminder of what God has seen fit to withhold from you.
At times I find my self thinking that I must being doing something wrong. That God is somehow punishing me for something. The questions I often ask is "What is wrong with me? Why won't God give us the desire of our hearts?" I have prayed many times over that God would simply take the desire away.
Through the last 5 years, Bryan and I have found a contentment with what we have. It was a long road to get there, but we know that we have been blessed and actually enjoy our little family of 3. We gave myself a year off from trying. It has been a very peaceful 9 months. But, now is the time to start trying to get my body ready to conceive again. Medicines have begun and with that have come the emotions that go along with trying to conceive. Emotions that I have not had in awhile. Emotions that you never learn how to control.
Again, I have no idea why God feels it is necessary for me to share this with you all. Maybe it will be a reminder for those that are blessed so easily with children, not to take it for granted. Maybe there is someone out there that is longing for a different kind of blessing and never receiving. Maybe it is to bring awareness of those that are silently suffering with infertility. You know, the ones that are smiling on the outside and their heart is breaking on the inside every time they see a pregnant woman walk down the street.
I do know that God is with me every step of the way. I already see his hand in why he said no for so long. He needed to take me on this journey of weight loss and I would never have gone there had I received my blessing. But, now I fear and have trouble having faith that the answer will ever be yes. All I can do is pray as Hannah prayed. Pray in the hopes that one day, I will hold another child in my arms and receive my blessing. And on that day, be able to give all the glory to the God from whom all blessing flow.
Friday, February 3, 2012
What We Worship
What we fix our attention, heart, and mind on is what we'll worship. What we worship becomes magnified. And what is magnified will consume us and perpetuate more and more worship. -Lysa Terkeurst
I stopped and reflected on this statement this morning. I had to ask myself, "What are you worshiping? What is consuming your thoughts?" The answer, sadly, was not Jesus. The answer was the scale. I have been all consumed with hitting the one hundred pound mark this month.
Even though I am only weighing once a week, the scale is constantly on my mind. I wonder what the number will be. Will it reflect my efforts and my choices? I count down the days until weigh in day. I start getting panicked as Monday draws near. I begin to worry about particular foods and drinks having an effect on the weight on the scale. The scale is always looming in my mind. I have become fearful of the scale.
I am glad that God brought this to my attention this morning. Sometimes it is good to have a self-check moment to make sure that you are still on course. I feel like this is what happened this morning. It was God nudging me and reminding me that my focus should be on him. Another reminder that when I take my eyes off of him, things start to unravel. My peace is taken from me. Worry and fear begin to be overwhelming.
I am reminded in Matthew 6 that there is no need to worry. Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25 & 27 What good is it going to do me to worry about the number on the scale? Isn't life more important than that number?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33&34
All I have to do is stay focused on God and everything else will fall into place. It is a lesson that I think God will forever have to remind me of. It is never about what I can do. But, always about what he can do through me. Why? So it is all for his glory and never about my efforts.
I stopped and reflected on this statement this morning. I had to ask myself, "What are you worshiping? What is consuming your thoughts?" The answer, sadly, was not Jesus. The answer was the scale. I have been all consumed with hitting the one hundred pound mark this month.
Even though I am only weighing once a week, the scale is constantly on my mind. I wonder what the number will be. Will it reflect my efforts and my choices? I count down the days until weigh in day. I start getting panicked as Monday draws near. I begin to worry about particular foods and drinks having an effect on the weight on the scale. The scale is always looming in my mind. I have become fearful of the scale.
I am glad that God brought this to my attention this morning. Sometimes it is good to have a self-check moment to make sure that you are still on course. I feel like this is what happened this morning. It was God nudging me and reminding me that my focus should be on him. Another reminder that when I take my eyes off of him, things start to unravel. My peace is taken from me. Worry and fear begin to be overwhelming.
I am reminded in Matthew 6 that there is no need to worry. Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25 & 27 What good is it going to do me to worry about the number on the scale? Isn't life more important than that number?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33&34
All I have to do is stay focused on God and everything else will fall into place. It is a lesson that I think God will forever have to remind me of. It is never about what I can do. But, always about what he can do through me. Why? So it is all for his glory and never about my efforts.
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