2 Years Post Surgery

This weekend marked my 2 year surgiversary.  I awoke on Saturday morning and realized that two years ago I was prepping for surgery.  A surgery that would forever change my life.  It is the way that my life has changed that took me by complete surprise. 
Here is a look back on this never ending journey.

 

I remember how I felt taking these pictures.  Ashamed, defeated, and hopeless.  I wanted to get healthy but I had run out of options.  These pictures when I was auditioning for The Biggest Loser.  I still didn't realize that God was preparing me for weight loss surgery. 

It all happened very fast.  From the time of our first consultation with the surgeon until the day of my surgery it was only about 6 weeks.  God provided the place, the exact procedure that would work for me, and the financial answer on how to accomplish it.  When the ball started rolling, it picked up steam very quickly.

I was skeptical to tell anyone, even family, that I was going to go through with this.  At first, I had to face my own demons and make the decision that I could forever change my relationship with food.  As I read back over some of the blogs I wrote in that first year, I am amazed at not only how strong my food addiction was but how faithful God was to bring me through each and every day. 

I never imagined that on my one year surgiversary that I would be over a hundred pounds lighter and PREGNANT! 

As of today, I am 110 pounds lighter and a whole new person.  I knew that the surgery would change my outside, but I never realize how it would completely change me inside.  God took my addiction to food and used it to draw me to Him.  No longer could I float through life as a casual Christian.  In order to draw on His strength, I had to replace food as my top priority and replace it with God.  Every day since, I have had to make the choice of what would be first.  It hasn't been easy and a lot of times is hasn't been pretty.  I stumbled, messed up, and sometimes crawled my way through.  But God has been consistent the entire time.  Here are my 2 year pictures. 





 

 

I have 20 pounds to go and these might be the hardest of the whole process.  I pray that God will give me the ability to finish this for His glory.  I know that I can never take credit for it.  

Prayers from the Past

I was looking for something the other day in my bedside dresser and ran across a picture frame.  There is nothing special about how the frame looks.  Inside is a simple poem about waiting on God to bring you to the man you were meant to marry.  A poem about trusting God while you are single and not wasting away that time.  Most people would pass over that frame without a second glance, but I knew what was behind that poem.  It was a list.  A list that I made when I was a freshman in college.  It was a list of the characteristics that I wanted my husband to possess. 
This simple frame sat beside my bed from 1996-2003.  For 7 years, I prayed over this list daily.  There were times when I thought I should just give up.  I felt as if God would never bring me the man that was to be my life mate. 
There were also times that I would enter into a dating relationship or find someone that I thought was "the one".  I would pull out this list and inevitably, there would be at least one characteristic that he would be missing.  I would compromise with myself and think there was nothing wrong with a man that met 90% of my wants.  Inevitably, God would always move them on.  Then I would begin the prayer process over again.
Then one summer night in 2003 I attended a singles bible study at a friend's apartment.  It was packed with over 30 people in one tiny space.  It was so packed, that there were people sitting in every nook and cranny.  A question was asked(I for the life of me can't remember what it was) and a male answered.  It was like a lightening bolt hit me.  I couldn't see who the response came from but I knew that he would be my husband.  I was later introduced to Bryan and discovered he was the man that answered the question.  A friendship formed in a group setting.  I kept my little secret to myself and began observing him.  It wasn't until my grandmother died and Bryan and another friend, Leanne, traveled close to 3 hours to come to the visitation and only stayed for 15 minutes that I realized that there may be more than friendship forming. 
We began dating shortly after and as we dated, I realized that Bryan met every characteristic on my list.  A short 16 months later, we were married.  God did grant my every desire.  Here is my list:

Christian (Romans 10:9)
Spiritual Leader(Ephesians 5:23)
Humble and Gentle(Philippians 2:3)
Hard Worker(1 Corinthians 15:58)
Generous(Tither) (2 Corinthians 9:6-7)
Ambassador for Christ(2 Corinthians 5:20)
Courageous(1 Corinthians 16:13)
Supportive (Galatians 6:2)
Prayer Warrior(Colossians 4:2)
Understanding(Proverbs 24:3)
Respectable(Proverbs 22:1)
Fears God(Ecclesiastes 12:13
Servant's Heart(Mark 10:43-45)
Seeks God First(Jeremiah 29:13)
Loving( Romans 12:9-13, 1 Corinthians 13)

I love looking back on this an realizing that God heard my prayer every night for those 7 long years.  That prayer did not return void.  God was simply working it out.  He had to get both Bryan and I to Madison, AL.  He had to get us both to the same church.  It had to be at the right time.  If we had of met any earlier, we would not have been on the same page in life and it would not have worked. 
I am so thankful that God heard not only my prayers, but the prayers of a godly mother that prayed for my mate every day since I was a little girl. 
So, for that reason, I am already praying for Eleanor's and Henry's mate.  For the parents of my future son and daughter in laws.  I pray that God will be with them and that they will raise their children up in the Lord.  I also anticipate the day that I am able to sit down and show this list to Eleanor and Henry and encourage them to make a list of their own. 

Celebrate

Do you remember how fearful I was of gaining weight during my pregnancy?  How I would freak out every single time the number on the scale would go up.  I was so scared and worried that I would fall back into bad habits and that the weight would never come back off.  In the end, I gained 22 pounds with Henry.  Looking back, I am very proud of that number.  Glad that God gave me the power to daily turn my eating over to him and not to "eat for two" and give into every craving and desire.
Well, since Henry's birth, I have been trying to lose those last 7 pounds that didn't immediately come off.  I dropped 6 pounds in two weeks of dieting and I got really excited.  I was not only going to get all the extra weight off, I was going to hit my final goal in no time.  I got prideful.  I started patting myself on the back.  That is when the weight stalled.  It stalled for 6 weeks.  Stalled with one little pound to go.  God took that 6 weeks to humble me and to turn me back to him.  To make me remember that I have never been successful in weight loss without him.  It is nothing that I can ever do.  In fact, when I turn to myself and start trying to do it out of my own power, I always fail.  The weight loss stops and I get disappointed and discouraged. 
Today I want to give a big shout out to my God!  I lost that last pound.  In 3 short months, God has gotten me back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  My fears were for nothing.  He was faithful yet again.  It is all about trusting him.  I have to be reminded again and again that I will only be successful when I put him first.  I will finish this.  I will meet my goal.  Why?  Because my God does not fail.  He will be glorified in this.  Now on to that final 22 pounds. 
Bless the Lord, oh my soul: and all that is within me, bless his Holy name.  Psalm 103:1

Reflections of the 300 lb. Woman

I have had an interesting day.  I have noticed a lot of things about myself.  It started this morning when I pulled out a t-shirt that my mother-in-law bought me.  I held it up and thought that it looked mighty small.  I looked at the tag and it was a Large.  Uh-oh, I knew that I needed a X-Large.  I sighed and tried it on anyway.  Guess what?  IT FIT!  Now, I have purchased Large shirts in the past, but I don't think I will ever get used to not being in a 2XL and having them fit like a glove.  I wonder if I will always see myself as that 300 lb. woman.  The mirror never reflects what I expect it.  I am often shocked when I see pictures of myself.  That is not how I see myself in my mind's eye.
Then, I headed to the kitchen to grab a snack this afternoon.  I immediately went for a turkey burger patty and warmed it up.  I chuckled to myself as I was eating it.  Did I ever think that I would get used to eating this way?  Much less imagine that it would seem NORMAL.  If I were to tell that 300 lb. woman that she would adjust and actually enjoy eating this way, I am sure she would laugh in my face. 
Lastly, I sat waiting on Eleanor's bus this afternoon and it hit me that I am almost to my 2 year anniversary of my surgery.  I started to beat myself up because I still have 25 pounds to lose.  I stopped myself because I would rather have Henry than have met my goal.  How is it even possible that my life is where it is today?  I never, ever would have imagined how greatly God would bless me when I took that first step to trust him and I enter that operating room. 
Oh, I still want to lose that 25 pounds and I will do everything I can, through God's strength, to get there.  Only there is one other change that has occurred within me.  I am no longer obsessed with the scale.  I have watched for the last 6 weeks as the number has remained the same.  I have stepped off the scale each time very calmly thinking to myself that I will not be defeated by that number.  I can reflect on each day of those weeks and know that I have honored God through my eating.  That reflection can be as big of a victory to me now as weight loss. 
God has completely changed me from the inside out.  I am so grateful for all the things he has done.  I am still amazed at this continuing journey.  It may take me another 2 years to reach my weight goal, but I know that God is in control.  I will get there when he wants me to. 

Crying Over Spilled Milk

It started out as a simple evening.  I was running to get us some supper.  We had chosen to get some barbeque because that helps with my protein requirements.  Well, the resturant was closed, so Bryan and Eleanor decided they wanted Wendy's.  I knew going through the drive-thru that this was going to be another time that I was left having to say "no".  The only thing on the menu that I could eat was the salad and why in the world $6 for a salad when I had lettuce as home.  So, I ordered Eleanor and Bryan their meals and headed home.
That is when the tears started.  For some people, it may be hard to understand why someone would actually cry over food.  For me, it is a reality that happens more than most people will ever realize.  You see, I made a commitment when I chose to have my weight loss surgery.  A commitment to eat a certain way for the rest of my life.  I knew it would be hard, but I tell you, I thought it would have gotten easier by now.
It is so hard to sit and say "no thank you" over and over when all you really want to say is "yes, please".  Having to say no to the pizza, french fries, doughnut, Easter candy, birthday cake, hamburger, or even the soda time and time again.  Having to sit and watch while those around me eat what I want to be enjoying.  It truly is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Why?  Because I know that it will never end.  I know that in order to remain true to my commitment to God, my husband and myself that I will never get to enjoy food the way that I did before. 
So, I cry.  I mourn the food that I will not allow myself to consume.  I cry and I quote 1 Corinthians 10:23 over and over again.  It says, "Everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial.  Everything is permissable, but not everything is constructive." I know that I could easily eat any food that I want, but I know that it would not be beneficial for me.  It is just so hard to do sometimes.
Very few can understand what it really feels like to have to always refrain from the one thing you love doing so much.  That is where God comes in.  I know he understands and I know that he will give me strength to continue to make the decisions that I need to on a daily basis.  I just have to let it out sometimes.  I need to scream and stomp my foot and complain that no one gets it.  Yet, I know that there is someone that understands sacrifice even more than I do.  How dare I complain about having to sacrifice the food I love for the rest of my life when my God sacrificed his own Son for me?  Kind of brings it all into perspecitve.  Guess I really do need to stop crying over spilled milk and be thankful for all that I have and all that has been given to me.

Askew

For the last few months, I have felt that my world is askew.  That I just don't fit where I am.  Although, I have friends, I don't really have a place.  Although I am a member of a church, I don't really belong.  Even though I am blessed beyond belief in my home life, some thing is off.  I just can't put my finger on it.  I can't figure out what is off.  I have prayed to the Lord to explain to me what is going on or maybe to change me to fit into this world where he has placed me.  Into a world that I once fit so perfectly. 
Last week I picked up the book Kisses for Katie.  A book about a 19 year old girl that took a big leap of faith and traveled across the world to follow the will of God.  It has opened my heart and my mind to the fact that maybe I am not in the center of God's will. 
I feel that there is something that God wants me to do that I am not doing.  I do not think that God wants me to move into a grass hut in the middle of Africa but there is something that he is moving me toward.  A journey that he wants me to take. 
So today, I will begin to pray that God will open my eyes and show me just what it is.  I will pray that God will move me out of my comfort zone and begin to reveal what it is that he wants to accomplish through me. 
I am a little scared at what he may ask of me.  I am even more afraid to stay where I am.  I am tired of not understanding my place in this little world of mine.  So maybe stepping out of this world and into the world that God wants me to live in is the answer.  Maybe, just maybe, that is the answer.  That my focus needs to be on the world around me and what Jesus wants to do through me. 
I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for the first time in a long time, I am open for anything!

My Strength

Life is finally getting into a rhythm here at the Hughes household.  I knew that it was time to get back on track and continue my journey of weight loss.  I have about 30 more pounds to go and I want to see this thing to completion.  I knew that there were two major things that I needed to do.  I needed to get my diet back on track and to refocus myself in my walk with God.  I knew that I couldn't finish this thing with out God and his strength. 
So, I began to pray and ask God to give me the strength to make it through each day and make the wise choices that I needed to make in order to succeed.  To be honest, every time I prayed that prayer, something felt off.  It was as if, I felt in my heart that I wasn't praying for the right thing.
Then, God gave me this verse and opened my eyes so that I saw it in a way that I had never before. (Don't you just love it when God does that!  Takes a verse you have seen a hundred times and teaches you something new.)
I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  Psalm 18:1-2
This is what I noticed: the Lord is my strength.  It made me pause and take notice of that one phrase.  All this time, I have been praying that the Lord would GIVE ME strength.  What if instead, I prayed that the Lord would BE my strength.  That strength would go from a futile, human attempt to a perfect God success. 
That little shift in understanding has made all the difference these last few days.  In praying for the Lord to be my strength, I have taken the pressure off what I can do.  I am allowing God to do it for me.  He will sustain me and guide me.  I don't have to try and do it myself.  In the Lord, I have all the strength I need in order to finish this process.  In makes this anxious heart rest easier knowing that I can humbly ask and God will be my strength.  Day by day and minute by minute.  The choices of what to eat and whether to exercise become easier. 
So here we go.  Let's finish what I started so that God can get the glory of taking me all the way to the finish line. 

Frailty of Life

It is so good to be home and settling into a life as a family of four. After an eight day stay in the NICU, Henry is doing great.  It is not how I imagined his birth story would go, but I know it is the birth story that God intended.  Throughout the last week I was reminded of so many important lessons.  The lessons of prayer, faith, and how to reach out and rely on others.  These lessons were all very helpful, but there is one that stands out in my mind.  The lesson of the frailty of life.

Psalm 139:16 states "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be".  As I sat for days in the NICU with Henry I was reminded of this over and over.  You see, Henry was what the NICU would call a "healthy" baby.  Yes, he had bad enough issues to be in there, but he was not critical.  He was not struggling to survive one more day.  Walking down the hallway of the NICU, I was reminded each time that some of those babies were doing just that.

I was talking to a nurse one particular night about how thankful I was that we were only dealing with severe acid reflux.  There were so many other things that could go wrong.  I asked her how she dealt with the loss of some these children.  She said that she had to trust that God was in control.  That each of these babies were in his hand and that he knew from the moment they were born just how long they would live.  That no matter how much they tried, these babies would only survive as long as God intended. 

Then another incident occurred while I was there.  One of the nurses that took care of Henry lost her 21 year old son suddenly.  When the call came in that her son had died, the whole staff of the NICU was dumbfounded.  How could a 21 year old die of a heart attack?  It just didn't seem right.  I was reminded again that we are not in control.  Only God knows when our last breath will be taken.

Little did I know, that I would be reminded again of this very lesson just a day later.  My aunt and uncle visited Henry and me one night.  They had just come from a funeral of a relative.  An man in his 80s that had lived a long life.  I don't know the details of his life, but it was lived to the "expected" old age.  Death seems a little more okay when you have lived that long.  But, nonetheless, it is still death and it was unknown when he would take his last breath.

It was a sobering lesson to be reminded of during my stay.  It made me so grateful for all the people in my life.  Grateful for every moment that I get to spend with those I love.  But isn't it funny that as I was basking in the happiness of my sweet Henry's birth into this world, I was also reminded that one day he will die.  I hope and pray that he lives a long and beautiful life.  But, I am also comforted in knowing that it is all in God's hands.  Henry's days, as well as yours and mine, are numbered. 

So enjoy life and those you love.  Take nothing for granted.  But most importantly, make sure you know where you are going when this life ends.  You never know when your last breath will be taken.

Belly Aches

Lately, I have found myself belly aching over my belly aches.  I have found it hard to stop myself from focusing on the aches and pains of pregnancy.  So, I have been trying very hard to remember that each and every ache and pain is actually a blessing.  The hematoma, morning sickness, and fatigue of the first trimester.  The battle with myself over weight gain in the second trimester and the physical aches and pains of carrying a child in the third trimester.  They are all reminders of the miracle that is happening within me.  I haven't always succeeded in remembering, but God sure has had plenty of opportunity to take my belly aches and gently remind me of the miracle occuring inside of me.
So, I just want to take time out while I still can and thank God for allowing me to carry this child.  I know there are many different ways to become a mom and each one is special.  I just want to speculate for a moment how amazing it is that each life starts in a woman's womb.  That somehow is a few short months, God can create a human being.  It amazes me daily what God does.  How he knits someone together.  Someone unique and special with their own personality, looks, and purpose in life. 
While I am focused on that process, I also want to share something that has been kept close to my heart this entire pregnancy.  I have only voiced this concern to Bryan.  I have chosen to leave it in God's hands and see what is going to happen.  In fact, when I did share it with Bryan, I was shocked to find out that the same thing had been placed on his heart.  I am concerned that Henry may be born with a certain disability.  A condition that would cause others to see him as less than perfect.  Now, I don't know if it is simply fear that has been placed in my heart by Satan or a word from God that has been given to prepare me for what is to come.  All that will be revealed on Friday, when we meet our sweet little man.  That is why I have chosen to keep this close to my heart until now.  Why worry and fret about something that cannot be changed.
I do want to share it now because I want to be able to give God all the glory if it is the case.  I also want it to be a lesson for me no matter the outcome.  A lesson that God is in control.  That no amount of worry can change a situation.
I also wanted to share because I want it to be a reminder that Henry is practically perfect in every way.  He is who God created him to be.  His body is formed in the way that God wants it to be and his personality is set to serve the Lord in a particular way.  I am so excited to meet this little man.  I know several of you are as well! 
So, forgive me, if over the last few months you have been on the receiving end of any of my grumble and gripes about pregnancy.  I am so completely thankful for this experience and I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of this child.  Also, please forgive me if this blog somehow does not make sense.  I decided to take advantage of my insomnia and I am typing this in the wee hours of the morning. 
As the journey of this pregnancy is coming to an end and the journey of raising Henry begins, I want to thank you all for your love and support.  What a great testimony these last few months have been to the goodness of God. 
Now I am off to have a snack and hopefully a few more hours of sleep. 

Playground Observations

I love to go to the school early on the days that I eat lunch with Eleanor.  It gives me a chance to observe her on the playground without her being aware that I am watching.  I get to see a different Eleanor than I see at home.  More often than not, I come way feeling sad.  Why, you ask?  It is because she doesn't have the childhood that I had.  She doesn't go about life the way that I do.
Eleanor is a loner.  Most of the times , I watch her playing by herself.  She isn't like the other little girls that cluster together.  She doesn't swarm to from one play thing to another with all the other girls her age.  She does her own thing. 
Today was no different, but I came away with a different perspective Every time that I have observed before, I assumed that she was unhappy or that something was wrong with the situation.  Today, a small voice in my head reminded me that recess is always Eleanor's favorite part of the day.  So, I looked a little closer.  What I saw was a very happy little girl.  She skipped and climbed.  She swung high on the swing.  All the time with a huge smile on her face.  My child was happy in her own existence. 
I was reminded that God made her perfect.  He formed her personality.  It is my job as a mom to allow that personality to bloom.  So, what does it matter that her way isn't like my way.  Eleanor is a happy little introvert.  She doesn't feel like she is missing out on anything.  She doesn't sit on the sidelines and watch all the other girls.  She is living her life to the fullest.
What an eye opener for me.  One of those "mom moments" that will be tucked away in my heart.  The moment that I realized that it is okay to be a loner.  It is okay not to have a swarm of friends.  God made us all different and there is a place on the playground for us all. 

The Axehead

For those who know my mother, you know that she is a prayer warrior.  I learned at a very young age to pray and to pray over everything.  We prayed for the big things, but we also prayed for the small things.
When money was tight, we prayed before we headed to the store to buy a pair of shoes.  We would pray that we would find the pair of shoes for the right price. 
When an object would go missing in our home, we would stop and have an impromptu prayer service in the living room.  We would pray that the Lord would lead us to the object.
When we were tired in the morning, we prayed for strength for the day.
We prayed and we prayed often.
Over the years, I have had a lot of people, even pastors, scoff at the praying over shoes.  As if it was a bad thing to bother the Lord with such small issues.  Often asking if God really cared if you found a pair of black dress shoes for $15. 
Well, I found proof that he does!  I nearly did a happy dance when I came across the story of the floating axehead in 2 Kings.  In chapter 6, there is a pause in the story of Elisha to tell this story.  Here is my paraphrase:
A group of prophets told Elisha that they thought their meeting place was too small.  They wanted to build a bigger place.  He told them to go for it and they invited him on the trip to gather the trees for building.  While they were cutting down trees, one of the men's axehead fell into the water and of course it sank.  The man cried out to God.  He was upset because the axehead was borrowed.  Elisha, working on behalf of God, asked him where is fell.   Elisha proceeded to work a miracle to retrieve the axehead.  God allowed that axehead to float! 
Now, up until this point, Elisha had been prophesying to show people that God was real and that he was in control.  Most of the time miracles like this would be preformed to prove to unbelievers that there was a God.
Not in this story.  They were all believers.  God had nothing to prove, but God heard the cry of one of his own and came to the rescue.  I mean, it was an axehead!  Yeah, the guy would have been in trouble for losing the borrowed axehead, but it wasn't the end of the world.  This was a very small thing for the Lord to worry about.
It just makes me smile to read this story.  God really does care about those small things that we pray about.  He does hear and he does answer.  He really does come to our rescue when we are searching high and low for that lost cell phone! 
Take comfort in the fact that God does hear each and every prayer that is offered up to him.  Nothing is too small for him to step in and help out.  Not even an axehead!

To be Perfectly Honest

I am actually very scared to put this out there in fear of the backlash that may come.  But, if I want to continue to be honest with you all, I need to share so you guys can know how to pray for me.  So I am going to risk sounding like a person with a complete eating disorder and write this blog. 
After the year that I have had, I am having a really hard time with the amount of food that I am supposed/need to eat and also with gaining weight needed to have a healthy pregnancy.
The fact that I am having to eat at an almost constant pace throughout the day to consume the amount of calories that are needed terrifies me.  What if I get used to eating all this food?  What if it becomes a habit that I can't break when this pregnancy is over?  There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when a person who has had weight loss surgery gets pregnant.  You lose some of the restriction you once had in your stomach.  It is very frightening to once be able to only consume a half of a sandwich and overnight being able to eat the whole thing.  I am scared to death, even though I am told otherwise, that the restriction won't come back. 
Then there is that dang scale.  Oh, it is my enemy.  The first few months of my pregnancy were great.  I continued to lose weight and all was well.  But in the last two months, that number has started creeping up.  Now, I am only talking about 4 pounds.  Crazy huh?  I am still in the "negative" from where I started this pregnancy, but that number going up from any point is more than I can handle some days.  I struggle with the feeling that I am doing what I have always done.  Taking off the weight only to put it back on again. 
I know it sounds so bad.  I know you are shaking your head at me and probably think that I need therapy.  But, I am really struggling.  I will do what ever is necessary to ensure that this baby is healthy.  I know that means that I need to continue to eat and gain weight.  I just don't know how to deal with the emotional side of this.  It is very hard for me to look at myself in the mirror.  I see fat instead of a baby bump.  I just never knew that it would be this hard to handle the diet and weight gain portion of it all!  So, think what you may, but please be kind to me.  I don't need criticism.  I know how horrible it is for me to feel this way.  But, I have always been 100% real on this blog and I feel like I should continue to be.  This is a real part of life after weight loss surgery.  Because of that, I will share.

Trust and Obey

We got word yesterday that it is a real possibility that Bryan may lose his job in the next month or so.  I don't want to be too dramatic about this.  There is a possibility that it may all work itself out and that he will be able to find the funding to continue where he his now.  But, for the first time in our marriage, we had to have that hard talk about the future.  It is uncertain and it is scary.  So much more scary with a baby on the way. 
I have had waves of calmness and waves of tears throughout the day.  I know that God is in control.  I know that at the right moment, God is going to step in and direct our paths.  So, as of right now, all we can do as pray.
As I was praying today in my most sacred place, the shower, God didn't impress upon me a scripture but a song.  A song that soothed all the worry.  A song that gave me a course of action in this time of waiting. 
Trust and Obey
For there is no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey
So simple.  Right now I just need to trust.  Trust that God has a perfect plan in store for us.  Trust that the answer is going to come at the right time.  Trust that this circumstance did not come as a surprise to my God. 
Then, when the answer comes,  we will need to obey.  The answer might be a new job in town or across country.  It might just be that this was simply a trial of our faith and no action will be required.  I just know that what ever it will be, that we need to be able to obey.
Just join with me that this will not result in me having to move to Albuquerque, NM.  For some reason, that seems like a death sentence to me!  Seeing that Bryan's job is so specialized that there are only 5 or 6 cities in the country that we could move, it is a real fear!  I much prefer my nice little home in Madison!  So when you think about it, whisper a prayer for our future. 

Example of What Not to Do

Bryan and I just had a discussion a couple of days ago about why I wasn't blogging anymore.  Honestly, it was because God hadn't compelled me to write.  Every word that has been typed on this blog has been by the urging of the Lord.  I hadn't felt it, so I wasn't going to write just to fill up space. 
Well today I have felt compelled to share what I have been learning about King Solomon.  There are so many parallels between his life and mine.  No, I have not been been made the wisest person in all the land, but I have been given wisdom.  I don't have the riches and splendor that Solomon had, but I have been greatly blessed.  I believe that I have found favor in the eyes of the Lord in the last year and I have been blessed beyond measure. 
So, what can I learn through the story of Solomon.  I see things that I should do and things that I should avoid.  First, I need to remember to always point the praise toward God.  When blessings come my way, when wisdom is shared or when prosperity is given all the praise and glory should go to my Lord.  There never should be an instance when I become puffed up and proud because of something that I have done. 
Solomon was very good at this.  Every time he was blessed he praised the Lord.  Every time he imparted wisdom into a situation, he gave the glory to God.  Every time he succeeded on a grand scale(think of all he built and accomplished in his life) he would plead to the Lord to bless his accomplishments.  A wonderful reminder that we should always be pointing praise back to the Lord.  After all, we were made to glorify God in ALL we do and say.
Then comes Solomon's downfall.  I believe that Solomon got complacent in "the good life".  He got so used to all the wonderful things that God had given him that he began to forget that these things were actually gifts.  Did he forget that the Lord gives and the Lord can take away?
In I Kings, 11:1 there is one word that stands out to me like it is in a neon flashing sign.  HOWEVER.  After many chapters describing Solomon's success, this word is used. It is the beginning of the end for Solomon.  I don't want this word to follow in my story.  The story of my success in overcoming addiction and then the blessing of a child that followed. 
How did Solomon get there?  As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God as the heart of David his father had been.  1 Kings 11:4  Slowly, over time, Solomon lost focus.  His heart became divided between the things of this world and the one true God.  Because of this, the Lord became angry with Solomon and began to strip away all of the blessings.  His wisdom became a curse.  His wives that he so loved became a burden.  His peaceful rule was stripped away from him. 
Oh Lord, may I learn a lesson from this!  May I not become content and forget what you are doing in my life.  May I always point everything back to you.  What a good example of what to do and not to do.  May I heed this warning. 

Lessons from a Child

A few years ago, Eleanor began asking for a baby brother or sister.  We took these opportunities to teach her about prayer.  Each time she would ask, we would redirect her to pray about it.  We would also temper our teaching with the fact that God sometimes says "No" and explain that even if she prayed for it, God may not give her what she is asking for.
As time went by, and Bryan and I silently struggled with infertility, Eleanor remained faithful.  I would catch her whispering simple prayers to her Jesus as she played with her toys.  She would bring it up and we would reminder her that the answer may not be what she wanted.  She would also remind us to have faith by saying things like, "Just stick with the plan, Mom."
One day, right before school was out, Eleanor came home with an announcement.  She said, "Mom, I was praying for a baby today in school and I think God said yes.  I am not sure though, because Mrs. Stephan was talking."  That sweet child had heard from God.
Yes, we were going to have a baby.  A few days before this proclamation from my child, I had gotten a positive pregnancy test.  Blood work had been done to confirm it and everything looked good.
I wanted to fall on my knees, scoop that child in my arms, and tell her right then that she had taught her mother an amazing lesson in faith.  When Bryan and I didn't believe it would ever happen, our child lead us through with a firm childlike faith. 

Yesterday, we saw that sweet little heartbeat and we got to share the excitement with Eleanor.  Let me tell you, that girl is excited!  What a lesson of prayer and faith that child has learned at an early age. 
When I ran across the scripture above in Luke a few weeks ago, it struck a cord in my heart.  You see, we couldn't have another baby.  After several failed attempts at infertility treatments, we had given up.  There seemed to be no way that it was going to happen.   Five years had gone by.  My Lord had different plans.  He waited for us to throw up our hands in surrender.  Then, He did what no drug or treatment could do.  He created a life without help from medicine or doctors.  He made my barren womb fruitful!  Praise be unto God for this amazing gift!  My heart overflows with such praise and gratitude.  God did what only God could do and in his way and his timing. 
So, we will happily welcome the fourth member of our family into this world in January 2013!!!

View from the Top

This past year, you all have joined me as I entered my valley of defeat and then began a very long hike up the mountain.  It was so hard in the beginning.  There were snares and the forest floor was thick with obstacles to overcome and sometimes it was hard to even find my way in the darkness.  Over time, the trees became more sparse, the hiking became easier and at times I would even catch a glimpse of God's greatness and the sun would peak out and shine down on me.  It was these moments, that kept me going. 
Well, I am finally at the top of that mountain.  The view is spectacular.  I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the glorious, refreshing air.  I feel the warmth of my Father's love like the sun on a cloudless day.  As I stop and look back down the mountain, I can hardly believe that I made it up at all.  I am reminded that it was step by step that got me here.
With this mountaintop experience, blessings beyond measure have been given to my family in the past couple of weeks.  I will be honest, that life has been so good, that Bryan and I have actually been holding our breathe and waiting to trip and stumble back down this mountain.  Almost as if we expect it all to be good to be true. 
But, I am reminded today that there is a time and a season for everything.  I have just been through a period of intense pruning and discipline.  I know now that the Lord is giving me a time of rest.  A time to allow my new growth to sprout and to blossom.  A time to let that growth stretch towards the sunlight.  So, I will sit for awhile on this mountain top.  I will rest in peace that sometimes God does shower us with blessings that we don't deserve.  That God does allow us a time to just enjoy life abundantly.  On this mountain top, I will take the time to just be with my Lord.  To rest and to praise Him. 
Then, when the time comes, I will get up and begin the descent back into the valley.  Yes, there will also be a time for me to leave this mountain top.  There will always be valleys and mountaintops.  I just have to learn to enjoy the view when I can.  Not to second guess it.  Not to be anxious about when the next valley might come about.  Just live with my Lord, day by day, no matter where I am on that mountain.

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laught,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time for hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Year to be Remembered

Today marks a year gone by since my surgery.  I can't believe how far I have come in what feels like such a short time.  I was reading this morning and this is the scripture that stuck with me.  Jesus was sending his disciples out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.  This is what he told them to do.
Take nothing with you for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic.  Luke 9:3
It struck me how this caused the disciples to have great faith and trust that the Lord was going to take care of them.  That he would provide what was needed when it was needed.  They were to simply follow and do what God instructed them to do.  They were to give themselves whole-heartedly to what ever that might be.
I realized that this is what was required of me as well.  In the beginning of this journey, all control  was taken from me.  I had to learn to live a new life with none of the resources that I had always had.  I had to start over from what I call rock bottom.  This is what was required of me to become 100% dependent on my Lord.  Over and over, I would come to a place that I needed something, and the Lord always provided.  Whether that need was physical or spiritual, it was always there waiting for me.  Through a kind word from a friend, a sweet prayer whispered for me, or simply the strength to make it through some of the hardest situations in my life.  God was there and God was providing. 
The journey isn't done.  If fact, it is shifting into other directions.  But, today, I just wanted to share in my victory over my addiction.  Share with my faithful friends just how far God has brought with me.  Join with me in giving him ALL the praise.  He is the one that has been my Great Provider all of these months.  Glory to him for the work he has done in me!
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed.  Proverbs 16:3

                                        Started at 306 pounds and now 198(108 pounds lost)

Started in a size 24 pant and now in a size 14!

Accepting the "No"

After another month of missed period and negative preganacy test, I am finally to the point of being done.  I finally understand that God's answer to Bryan's and my prayers is in fact, "NO".  God is not going to give us another child.  We have decided to stop trying.  I can't handle the roller coaster anymore. 
It is evident in all the failed attempts, that it is not God's will for our lives.  We are meant to be a family of three.  I can't believe it has taken me 5 years to get here, but at least I am here now. 
It isn't easy to accept this answer.  I have been crying my eyes out all morning long. (It didn't help that the well meaning dental hygentist asked if we wanted more children and I almost lost it in the chair).  But, God will bring us through this. 
I just would like to ask for some prayers.  Pray that God will heal the heartbreak.  That we will continue to be reminded of the amazing blessing that Eleanor is in our life.  Pray for that sweet Eleanor that wants a sibling so bad.  Pray that we will have the words to explain that it is not going to happen.  Pray that one day we will understand why the answer had to be "No".  That one day we will understand why the blessing was withheld.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your paths straight.  Prov. 3:5-6

God has his reasons even if we don't understand them.  It is time to move on. 

My Deliverer

Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us.  On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.  2 Corinthians 1:24

I stumbled across this verse just now.  I was preparing some scripture on note cards so that I can memorize them.  It is a list of scriptures that declares our victory in Christ.  This scripture left me in tears and audibly praising my Savior.  I couldn't keep it in.  Thank goodness, no one is home but me. 
This scripture describes my life and my journey.  When I reflect back on where I was almost a year ago, I remember feeling like I had been given a death sentence.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lose the weight.  The defeat was overwhelming and I fell into a depression.  I didn't know what else to do.  Didn't know how I was ever going to get healthy. 
It was in the darkness of that depression, that God impressed upon my soul that I was never going to do it in my own power.  The key to my never ending defeat was that I was trying to do it on my own.  I believe God brought me to rock bottom to make me rely on him.  I started understanding that only through Christ was I going to gain victory. 
So, I committed my life and my body to Christ.  I committed to daily face my addiction and to ask for God's strength to fight the battle.  With that commitment has come deliverance.  Oh, what a long, hard road it has been, but my God has proven himself  faithful day after day.  He always gives me the strength to make it through the day.  Sometimes it is just enough strength to make it through the moment.  But, he is always there. 
I have come to rely on him in a way that I never thought possible.  It is a daily choice to allow him to be my strength.  To allow him to be my rock.  To allow him to deliver me on a daily basis from my flesh and my sin.  Like the verses above state, I have set my hope that he will continue to deliver me.  Without him in control of my life, I will surely fail.  With him in control, I will continue to be victorious!  With that, I cry out to him.  Praise be to the Lord my Savior!  HE IS MY DELIVERER!

Naysayers and Critics

Throughout this journey, there have been multiple times that people have taken opportunities to point out my flaws, my imperfections, and my shortcomings.  Each time, they say things to me like "well, you put yourself out there and share it all with the world" or "you just go around acting all godly" and even "your the one writing the Christian blog".  It is as if because I am sharing what God is teaching me and how he is molding me, pruning me, and disciplining me, that they believe they have a right to knock me down when I do not live up to their standards. 
Today, I was reminded through a Mandissa song(I know you are probably tired of hearing her songs!) that there is only one opinion that matters.  There is only one definition of me.  That is God's opinion.  It really only matters what he thinks of me.  Whether that definition is what I look like or how people think I should act.  Only one opinion matters.

Definition of Me

Everybody's got an opinion
Of what they want me to be
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet

So tired of looking in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I want to be about something different
Something more than the mirror can see

Like joy, peace
Alive in me
When it comes to my identity

Chorus:
I want the love
I want the light
I want the beauty
On the inside
I want the one that you can't see
To be the definition of me
More than the face
More than the girl
More than the voice
More than the world
I want the truth that I believe
To be the definition of me

Pretty is cool for a minute
But it always fades away
Trends are hot for a second
They'll be gone the very next day

So before you get lost in the moment
Let’s get one thing clear
Only love will last forever
That's the reason that we're here

It's up to you ‘cause everybody's looking
Who do you want them to see?

I want to be the girl that people see Jesus through.  I love and cherish all the comments about my weight loss.  It a boost of confidence that is much needed sometimes.  But more than anything, I want people to see the beauty that is inside.  I want that to make more of an impact than skinny jeans. 

With all that said, I have never, ever claimed to have it all together.  I am a sinner.  A stinky filthy sinner.  So, just because I am posting on this blog or on Facebook about what I am learning, doesn't mean that I am an expert. I have never claimed to be.  All I have ever done is write about my personal journey. I try very hard not to tell anyone else what there journey should be.  It will always be different than mine.  So for the naysayers and critics, I am sorry if I do not measure up to your standards.  I never will, because I will never be anything more than a sinner trying to live the best life I can for my Lord.  I will probably never get it right, but each day I will try.  Maybe, each day that inner beauty will shine through more and more.  Eventually, I want that to be the beauty that people see in me.