I have something heavy on my heart and I am just going to share it. Satan has a firm grip on me and I can't seem to shake it. This is where I am.
I can see nothing but my flaws. I look around and everything I see points to my short comings. I am having a hard time being around others, because it reminds me that I am not as good as they are. I am not as good of a christian that others are. When I am at church, I feel like everyone around me is living this perfect godly life. A life that I can't live up to. They have it all together. It makes me want to run in the other direction.
When I am around other mothers, I find myself realizing that I really don't have this mother thing together. I am not a good wife or house keeper. Everyone else has immaculate houses and perfect children, and I can't seem to even keep my toilets clean or Eleanor from back talking me.
It has even gone as far that I can't get on weight loss forums because I see that I am not losing weight as fast as most people that have had my surgery. Suddenly, my accomplishments are dim in comparision.
I feel like a failure on all fronts. I know it is all lies, but I can't shake it. These self doubts are swarming in my head all the time it seems. So, I ask you to pray for me. Pray that I can find my way out. This isn't a very happy place to be.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Everything You Need
For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders and he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
What are you in need of this morning? Is it someone to listen to your worries or maybe someone to lead you to the right decisions? Is it a reminder that there is someone that is in control of it all? Or maybe, you just need to rest and find peace in the chaos of this world.
Isn't it wonderful to know that we can find all this in God. That no matter what we are in need of today, God is there to provide it. It is a gift given to us in the form of a child. It wasn't just given to the world, but to you and me. It is as personal as you want it to be.
So today, instead of trying to find fulfillment, comfort, or companionship in anyone or anything else, let us turn to our God. There is an attribute of God that is perfect for you today. Isn't that amazing! Everything and everyone else will fall short. But, our God is exactly what we need every time.
(Oh, and how many of you guys are now singing "The Hallelujah Chorus"? I am!!)
What are you in need of this morning? Is it someone to listen to your worries or maybe someone to lead you to the right decisions? Is it a reminder that there is someone that is in control of it all? Or maybe, you just need to rest and find peace in the chaos of this world.
Isn't it wonderful to know that we can find all this in God. That no matter what we are in need of today, God is there to provide it. It is a gift given to us in the form of a child. It wasn't just given to the world, but to you and me. It is as personal as you want it to be.
So today, instead of trying to find fulfillment, comfort, or companionship in anyone or anything else, let us turn to our God. There is an attribute of God that is perfect for you today. Isn't that amazing! Everything and everyone else will fall short. But, our God is exactly what we need every time.
(Oh, and how many of you guys are now singing "The Hallelujah Chorus"? I am!!)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
He Goes Ahead
Do you ever read the bible like you read a book? Skipping over the minor details just to get to the "good part". I was doing that this morning in Mark. I was reading chapter 14 as Mark is recounting the Lord's Supper. I read it like this. "blah, blah, blah....and when the evening came, Jesus arrived with the twelve. Mark 4:17". I knew that was an indication of where the story was to begin. The story of the breaking of bread and the drinking of wine. The story of betrayal being played out.
Then, something made me back up. I went back and read the first few verses of this account. There, I found something that is a true indicator that God goes before us. The disciples ask Jesus, "Where do you want us to go and make preparations for you to eat the Passover?" v. 12
Jesus answered, "Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him. Say to the owner of the house he enters, The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples? He will show you a large upper room, furnished and ready. Make preparations for us there." vs. 13-15
It got me to thinking that God was steps ahead of the disciples. He had to work in the heart of the owner of the house. Had to place in his heart to get that room ready. He may not have even known why he was doing it. God also had to get the man carrying the jar of water to the right place at the right time.
Why do we think that things are out of control? It was a time for me to stop and reflect on the fact that everything is being worked out for us. It may not be how we perceive it should be, but God is in control. Let me say that again. GOD IS IN CONTROL. He is in control of the big things and the little things.
God was working out the big plan of his son being sacrificed on the cross. In doing so, he was also orchestrating the little things to ensure that his will would be done.
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just rest in the knowledge of this fact? God can handle it. He is not going to make a mistake. I woke up with a verse in my heart this morning. I think it sums it all up.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Then, something made me back up. I went back and read the first few verses of this account. There, I found something that is a true indicator that God goes before us. The disciples ask Jesus, "Where do you want us to go and make preparations for you to eat the Passover?" v. 12
Jesus answered, "Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him. Say to the owner of the house he enters, The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples? He will show you a large upper room, furnished and ready. Make preparations for us there." vs. 13-15
It got me to thinking that God was steps ahead of the disciples. He had to work in the heart of the owner of the house. Had to place in his heart to get that room ready. He may not have even known why he was doing it. God also had to get the man carrying the jar of water to the right place at the right time.
Why do we think that things are out of control? It was a time for me to stop and reflect on the fact that everything is being worked out for us. It may not be how we perceive it should be, but God is in control. Let me say that again. GOD IS IN CONTROL. He is in control of the big things and the little things.
God was working out the big plan of his son being sacrificed on the cross. In doing so, he was also orchestrating the little things to ensure that his will would be done.
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just rest in the knowledge of this fact? God can handle it. He is not going to make a mistake. I woke up with a verse in my heart this morning. I think it sums it all up.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Today
This is the day that they Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
What if we really did this? What if just for one day, we recognized that the Lord has made today and today will will rejoice and find his goodness in it. Just for one day, we find the good in flawed people. Just for one day, we count our blessings. Do you think we could make it an entire day? I think it will be hard. But, for today, I will keep this verse in my heart and I will meditate on it.
Today, this normal and mundane day, is the day that the Lord has given me. May, I see Jesus in everything I do and may I see the love that Jesus has for each person that I come into contact with today!
What if we really did this? What if just for one day, we recognized that the Lord has made today and today will will rejoice and find his goodness in it. Just for one day, we find the good in flawed people. Just for one day, we count our blessings. Do you think we could make it an entire day? I think it will be hard. But, for today, I will keep this verse in my heart and I will meditate on it.
Today, this normal and mundane day, is the day that the Lord has given me. May, I see Jesus in everything I do and may I see the love that Jesus has for each person that I come into contact with today!
Friday, September 16, 2011
One Simple Question
I was reading in Mark this morning and was given a nugget that I feel most people often overlook. I was reading the accounts of Jesus in chapter 10. Two times in this chapter do people stop Jesus for a specific reason. Two times, Jesus turns to them and asks one simple question.
Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. "Teacher," they said, "we want you to do for us whatever we ask." "What do you want me to do for you?" he (Jesus) asked. Mark 10: 35-36
Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He is calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. Mark 10: 49-51
In the first scenario, the disciples want Jesus to grant them the right to sit and his left and right side in glory. Jesus who is all-knowing, knew what they wanted when they approached. Yet, he wanted to hear it from their own lips. In this case, Jesus' answer was NO.
In the second scenario, there was a blind man named Bartimaeus. He called out for Jesus to have mercy on him so many times that the crowd told him to shut up. But, Jesus heard and had compassion. He told him to come to him and then he asked the same question. Now, don't you think it was obvious what this man wanted? But still, Jesus wanted to hear it from him. In this case, Jesus' answer was YES.
Different people, different requests, and different answers. The only thing they had in common is that Jesus wanted them to present their requests to them. What do you want me to do for you?
Maybe Jesus is just waiting for you to ask. The answer may be YES, NO, or NOT NOW, but you will not know until you ask. Just one simple question. Today, may we just go to him and just ask!
Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. "Teacher," they said, "we want you to do for us whatever we ask." "What do you want me to do for you?" he (Jesus) asked. Mark 10: 35-36
Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He is calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. Mark 10: 49-51
In the first scenario, the disciples want Jesus to grant them the right to sit and his left and right side in glory. Jesus who is all-knowing, knew what they wanted when they approached. Yet, he wanted to hear it from their own lips. In this case, Jesus' answer was NO.
In the second scenario, there was a blind man named Bartimaeus. He called out for Jesus to have mercy on him so many times that the crowd told him to shut up. But, Jesus heard and had compassion. He told him to come to him and then he asked the same question. Now, don't you think it was obvious what this man wanted? But still, Jesus wanted to hear it from him. In this case, Jesus' answer was YES.
Different people, different requests, and different answers. The only thing they had in common is that Jesus wanted them to present their requests to them. What do you want me to do for you?
Maybe Jesus is just waiting for you to ask. The answer may be YES, NO, or NOT NOW, but you will not know until you ask. Just one simple question. Today, may we just go to him and just ask!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Shrinking
Tomorrow I will be 4 months post surgery. I wanted to share with you my new progress pictures. I try to keep myself from being too critical. I know I have a whole lot more to go, but I want to share with you the progress.
As of this week, I have lost 47% of my excess body weight. I am almost half way to my goal. I have lost 57 pounds and a ton of inches. I am down 2 pants sizes and 3 dress sizes.
I am having a hard time mentally catching up to where I am physically. I look in the mirror and I see some small changes, but still can't see anything drastic. I know it must be a distorted view because of all the amazing feedback that I am getting.
I want to thank every single one of you that has given me encouragement. The comments to my blog, the text messages, and the prayers mean more than I can even say. I love you all so much!
Most of all, I want to again give God the glory in this. He has taught me so much and every day I am learning more. He deserves all the praise for both my physical and my spiritual transformation in the last 4 months.
Well, here are the dreaded pictures. I hope you guys realize how hard this is to post these things every couple of months. I still shudder when I have to look at them. They are my beginning photos followed by my pictures taken this morning.
As of this week, I have lost 47% of my excess body weight. I am almost half way to my goal. I have lost 57 pounds and a ton of inches. I am down 2 pants sizes and 3 dress sizes.
I am having a hard time mentally catching up to where I am physically. I look in the mirror and I see some small changes, but still can't see anything drastic. I know it must be a distorted view because of all the amazing feedback that I am getting.
I want to thank every single one of you that has given me encouragement. The comments to my blog, the text messages, and the prayers mean more than I can even say. I love you all so much!
Most of all, I want to again give God the glory in this. He has taught me so much and every day I am learning more. He deserves all the praise for both my physical and my spiritual transformation in the last 4 months.
Well, here are the dreaded pictures. I hope you guys realize how hard this is to post these things every couple of months. I still shudder when I have to look at them. They are my beginning photos followed by my pictures taken this morning.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
My Comforter
Yesterday, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. After I received the phone call, with tears streaming down my face, I entered the kitchen. I opened the cabinet and the fridge. What was going to give me comfort? I was looking for something that fill me and comfort me. Of course, my old pattern returned. I was looking for comfort from food. Searching for brownies, ice cream, cookies, or anything else that could make me feel better.
But, as I stood there, I remembered that I couldn't do that anymore. I would become sick with the sweets. I couldn't fill myself because there is no room in my stomach anymore. I can no longer sit down with the pan of brownies and drown my sorrows in the moist chocolaty heaven. This is one of the times that I count my blessings of this surgery. Even though I wanted to return to my old ways, the surgery was preventing me from doing so. For that I say, Praise God.
Now, I am ashamed of myself that I didn't turn to God first. My first real test of where my priorities lie and I still turned to food. Why did I think that food was going to make it all better? Take away the worry and fear that was plaguing me. I know better.
I realized I was going to have to deal with my emotions. I was going to have to process them, talk about them, and put them to rest. This is a strange process that I have had to learn how to do. It is not in my nature to conquer these emotions. I innately want to run from them and avoid them at all costs.
It wasn't until much later in the evening that I realized I needed to turn to the Lord for my comfort(I am so ashamed to say this). But, when I did, I found a peace. A peace that as a family, we are going to work through this. A peace, that Daddy is in safe hands. That the Lord is going to be there every step of the way. No matter what the future holds for Daddy, God is in control. There is where my comfort lies.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3&4
But, as I stood there, I remembered that I couldn't do that anymore. I would become sick with the sweets. I couldn't fill myself because there is no room in my stomach anymore. I can no longer sit down with the pan of brownies and drown my sorrows in the moist chocolaty heaven. This is one of the times that I count my blessings of this surgery. Even though I wanted to return to my old ways, the surgery was preventing me from doing so. For that I say, Praise God.
Now, I am ashamed of myself that I didn't turn to God first. My first real test of where my priorities lie and I still turned to food. Why did I think that food was going to make it all better? Take away the worry and fear that was plaguing me. I know better.
I realized I was going to have to deal with my emotions. I was going to have to process them, talk about them, and put them to rest. This is a strange process that I have had to learn how to do. It is not in my nature to conquer these emotions. I innately want to run from them and avoid them at all costs.
It wasn't until much later in the evening that I realized I needed to turn to the Lord for my comfort(I am so ashamed to say this). But, when I did, I found a peace. A peace that as a family, we are going to work through this. A peace, that Daddy is in safe hands. That the Lord is going to be there every step of the way. No matter what the future holds for Daddy, God is in control. There is where my comfort lies.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3&4
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