I love to go to the school early on the days that I eat lunch with Eleanor. It gives me a chance to observe her on the playground without her being aware that I am watching. I get to see a different Eleanor than I see at home. More often than not, I come way feeling sad. Why, you ask? It is because she doesn't have the childhood that I had. She doesn't go about life the way that I do.
Eleanor is a loner. Most of the times , I watch her playing by herself. She isn't like the other little girls that cluster together. She doesn't swarm to from one play thing to another with all the other girls her age. She does her own thing.
Today was no different, but I came away with a different perspective Every time that I have observed before, I assumed that she was unhappy or that something was wrong with the situation. Today, a small voice in my head reminded me that recess is always Eleanor's favorite part of the day. So, I looked a little closer. What I saw was a very happy little girl. She skipped and climbed. She swung high on the swing. All the time with a huge smile on her face. My child was happy in her own existence.
I was reminded that God made her perfect. He formed her personality. It is my job as a mom to allow that personality to bloom. So, what does it matter that her way isn't like my way. Eleanor is a happy little introvert. She doesn't feel like she is missing out on anything. She doesn't sit on the sidelines and watch all the other girls. She is living her life to the fullest.
What an eye opener for me. One of those "mom moments" that will be tucked away in my heart. The moment that I realized that it is okay to be a loner. It is okay not to have a swarm of friends. God made us all different and there is a place on the playground for us all.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Axehead
For those who know my mother, you know that she is a prayer warrior. I learned at a very young age to pray and to pray over everything. We prayed for the big things, but we also prayed for the small things.
When money was tight, we prayed before we headed to the store to buy a pair of shoes. We would pray that we would find the pair of shoes for the right price.
When an object would go missing in our home, we would stop and have an impromptu prayer service in the living room. We would pray that the Lord would lead us to the object.
When we were tired in the morning, we prayed for strength for the day.
We prayed and we prayed often.
Over the years, I have had a lot of people, even pastors, scoff at the praying over shoes. As if it was a bad thing to bother the Lord with such small issues. Often asking if God really cared if you found a pair of black dress shoes for $15.
Well, I found proof that he does! I nearly did a happy dance when I came across the story of the floating axehead in 2 Kings. In chapter 6, there is a pause in the story of Elisha to tell this story. Here is my paraphrase:
A group of prophets told Elisha that they thought their meeting place was too small. They wanted to build a bigger place. He told them to go for it and they invited him on the trip to gather the trees for building. While they were cutting down trees, one of the men's axehead fell into the water and of course it sank. The man cried out to God. He was upset because the axehead was borrowed. Elisha, working on behalf of God, asked him where is fell. Elisha proceeded to work a miracle to retrieve the axehead. God allowed that axehead to float!
Now, up until this point, Elisha had been prophesying to show people that God was real and that he was in control. Most of the time miracles like this would be preformed to prove to unbelievers that there was a God.
Not in this story. They were all believers. God had nothing to prove, but God heard the cry of one of his own and came to the rescue. I mean, it was an axehead! Yeah, the guy would have been in trouble for losing the borrowed axehead, but it wasn't the end of the world. This was a very small thing for the Lord to worry about.
It just makes me smile to read this story. God really does care about those small things that we pray about. He does hear and he does answer. He really does come to our rescue when we are searching high and low for that lost cell phone!
Take comfort in the fact that God does hear each and every prayer that is offered up to him. Nothing is too small for him to step in and help out. Not even an axehead!
When money was tight, we prayed before we headed to the store to buy a pair of shoes. We would pray that we would find the pair of shoes for the right price.
When an object would go missing in our home, we would stop and have an impromptu prayer service in the living room. We would pray that the Lord would lead us to the object.
When we were tired in the morning, we prayed for strength for the day.
We prayed and we prayed often.
Over the years, I have had a lot of people, even pastors, scoff at the praying over shoes. As if it was a bad thing to bother the Lord with such small issues. Often asking if God really cared if you found a pair of black dress shoes for $15.
Well, I found proof that he does! I nearly did a happy dance when I came across the story of the floating axehead in 2 Kings. In chapter 6, there is a pause in the story of Elisha to tell this story. Here is my paraphrase:
A group of prophets told Elisha that they thought their meeting place was too small. They wanted to build a bigger place. He told them to go for it and they invited him on the trip to gather the trees for building. While they were cutting down trees, one of the men's axehead fell into the water and of course it sank. The man cried out to God. He was upset because the axehead was borrowed. Elisha, working on behalf of God, asked him where is fell. Elisha proceeded to work a miracle to retrieve the axehead. God allowed that axehead to float!
Now, up until this point, Elisha had been prophesying to show people that God was real and that he was in control. Most of the time miracles like this would be preformed to prove to unbelievers that there was a God.
Not in this story. They were all believers. God had nothing to prove, but God heard the cry of one of his own and came to the rescue. I mean, it was an axehead! Yeah, the guy would have been in trouble for losing the borrowed axehead, but it wasn't the end of the world. This was a very small thing for the Lord to worry about.
It just makes me smile to read this story. God really does care about those small things that we pray about. He does hear and he does answer. He really does come to our rescue when we are searching high and low for that lost cell phone!
Take comfort in the fact that God does hear each and every prayer that is offered up to him. Nothing is too small for him to step in and help out. Not even an axehead!
Friday, August 10, 2012
To be Perfectly Honest
I am actually very scared to put this out there in fear of the backlash that may come. But, if I want to continue to be honest with you all, I need to share so you guys can know how to pray for me. So I am going to risk sounding like a person with a complete eating disorder and write this blog.
After the year that I have had, I am having a really hard time with the amount of food that I am supposed/need to eat and also with gaining weight needed to have a healthy pregnancy.
The fact that I am having to eat at an almost constant pace throughout the day to consume the amount of calories that are needed terrifies me. What if I get used to eating all this food? What if it becomes a habit that I can't break when this pregnancy is over? There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when a person who has had weight loss surgery gets pregnant. You lose some of the restriction you once had in your stomach. It is very frightening to once be able to only consume a half of a sandwich and overnight being able to eat the whole thing. I am scared to death, even though I am told otherwise, that the restriction won't come back.
Then there is that dang scale. Oh, it is my enemy. The first few months of my pregnancy were great. I continued to lose weight and all was well. But in the last two months, that number has started creeping up. Now, I am only talking about 4 pounds. Crazy huh? I am still in the "negative" from where I started this pregnancy, but that number going up from any point is more than I can handle some days. I struggle with the feeling that I am doing what I have always done. Taking off the weight only to put it back on again.
I know it sounds so bad. I know you are shaking your head at me and probably think that I need therapy. But, I am really struggling. I will do what ever is necessary to ensure that this baby is healthy. I know that means that I need to continue to eat and gain weight. I just don't know how to deal with the emotional side of this. It is very hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I see fat instead of a baby bump. I just never knew that it would be this hard to handle the diet and weight gain portion of it all! So, think what you may, but please be kind to me. I don't need criticism. I know how horrible it is for me to feel this way. But, I have always been 100% real on this blog and I feel like I should continue to be. This is a real part of life after weight loss surgery. Because of that, I will share.
After the year that I have had, I am having a really hard time with the amount of food that I am supposed/need to eat and also with gaining weight needed to have a healthy pregnancy.
The fact that I am having to eat at an almost constant pace throughout the day to consume the amount of calories that are needed terrifies me. What if I get used to eating all this food? What if it becomes a habit that I can't break when this pregnancy is over? There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when a person who has had weight loss surgery gets pregnant. You lose some of the restriction you once had in your stomach. It is very frightening to once be able to only consume a half of a sandwich and overnight being able to eat the whole thing. I am scared to death, even though I am told otherwise, that the restriction won't come back.
Then there is that dang scale. Oh, it is my enemy. The first few months of my pregnancy were great. I continued to lose weight and all was well. But in the last two months, that number has started creeping up. Now, I am only talking about 4 pounds. Crazy huh? I am still in the "negative" from where I started this pregnancy, but that number going up from any point is more than I can handle some days. I struggle with the feeling that I am doing what I have always done. Taking off the weight only to put it back on again.
I know it sounds so bad. I know you are shaking your head at me and probably think that I need therapy. But, I am really struggling. I will do what ever is necessary to ensure that this baby is healthy. I know that means that I need to continue to eat and gain weight. I just don't know how to deal with the emotional side of this. It is very hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I see fat instead of a baby bump. I just never knew that it would be this hard to handle the diet and weight gain portion of it all! So, think what you may, but please be kind to me. I don't need criticism. I know how horrible it is for me to feel this way. But, I have always been 100% real on this blog and I feel like I should continue to be. This is a real part of life after weight loss surgery. Because of that, I will share.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Trust and Obey
We got word yesterday that it is a real possibility that Bryan may lose his job in the next month or so. I don't want to be too dramatic about this. There is a possibility that it may all work itself out and that he will be able to find the funding to continue where he his now. But, for the first time in our marriage, we had to have that hard talk about the future. It is uncertain and it is scary. So much more scary with a baby on the way.
I have had waves of calmness and waves of tears throughout the day. I know that God is in control. I know that at the right moment, God is going to step in and direct our paths. So, as of right now, all we can do as pray.
As I was praying today in my most sacred place, the shower, God didn't impress upon me a scripture but a song. A song that soothed all the worry. A song that gave me a course of action in this time of waiting.
Trust and Obey
For there is no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey
So simple. Right now I just need to trust. Trust that God has a perfect plan in store for us. Trust that the answer is going to come at the right time. Trust that this circumstance did not come as a surprise to my God.
Then, when the answer comes, we will need to obey. The answer might be a new job in town or across country. It might just be that this was simply a trial of our faith and no action will be required. I just know that what ever it will be, that we need to be able to obey.
Just join with me that this will not result in me having to move to Albuquerque, NM. For some reason, that seems like a death sentence to me! Seeing that Bryan's job is so specialized that there are only 5 or 6 cities in the country that we could move, it is a real fear! I much prefer my nice little home in Madison! So when you think about it, whisper a prayer for our future.
I have had waves of calmness and waves of tears throughout the day. I know that God is in control. I know that at the right moment, God is going to step in and direct our paths. So, as of right now, all we can do as pray.
As I was praying today in my most sacred place, the shower, God didn't impress upon me a scripture but a song. A song that soothed all the worry. A song that gave me a course of action in this time of waiting.
Trust and Obey
For there is no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey
So simple. Right now I just need to trust. Trust that God has a perfect plan in store for us. Trust that the answer is going to come at the right time. Trust that this circumstance did not come as a surprise to my God.
Then, when the answer comes, we will need to obey. The answer might be a new job in town or across country. It might just be that this was simply a trial of our faith and no action will be required. I just know that what ever it will be, that we need to be able to obey.
Just join with me that this will not result in me having to move to Albuquerque, NM. For some reason, that seems like a death sentence to me! Seeing that Bryan's job is so specialized that there are only 5 or 6 cities in the country that we could move, it is a real fear! I much prefer my nice little home in Madison! So when you think about it, whisper a prayer for our future.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Example of What Not to Do
Bryan and I just had a discussion a couple of days ago about why I wasn't blogging anymore. Honestly, it was because God hadn't compelled me to write. Every word that has been typed on this blog has been by the urging of the Lord. I hadn't felt it, so I wasn't going to write just to fill up space.
Well today I have felt compelled to share what I have been learning about King Solomon. There are so many parallels between his life and mine. No, I have not been been made the wisest person in all the land, but I have been given wisdom. I don't have the riches and splendor that Solomon had, but I have been greatly blessed. I believe that I have found favor in the eyes of the Lord in the last year and I have been blessed beyond measure.
So, what can I learn through the story of Solomon. I see things that I should do and things that I should avoid. First, I need to remember to always point the praise toward God. When blessings come my way, when wisdom is shared or when prosperity is given all the praise and glory should go to my Lord. There never should be an instance when I become puffed up and proud because of something that I have done.
Solomon was very good at this. Every time he was blessed he praised the Lord. Every time he imparted wisdom into a situation, he gave the glory to God. Every time he succeeded on a grand scale(think of all he built and accomplished in his life) he would plead to the Lord to bless his accomplishments. A wonderful reminder that we should always be pointing praise back to the Lord. After all, we were made to glorify God in ALL we do and say.
Then comes Solomon's downfall. I believe that Solomon got complacent in "the good life". He got so used to all the wonderful things that God had given him that he began to forget that these things were actually gifts. Did he forget that the Lord gives and the Lord can take away?
In I Kings, 11:1 there is one word that stands out to me like it is in a neon flashing sign. HOWEVER. After many chapters describing Solomon's success, this word is used. It is the beginning of the end for Solomon. I don't want this word to follow in my story. The story of my success in overcoming addiction and then the blessing of a child that followed.
How did Solomon get there? As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God as the heart of David his father had been. 1 Kings 11:4 Slowly, over time, Solomon lost focus. His heart became divided between the things of this world and the one true God. Because of this, the Lord became angry with Solomon and began to strip away all of the blessings. His wisdom became a curse. His wives that he so loved became a burden. His peaceful rule was stripped away from him.
Oh Lord, may I learn a lesson from this! May I not become content and forget what you are doing in my life. May I always point everything back to you. What a good example of what to do and not to do. May I heed this warning.
Well today I have felt compelled to share what I have been learning about King Solomon. There are so many parallels between his life and mine. No, I have not been been made the wisest person in all the land, but I have been given wisdom. I don't have the riches and splendor that Solomon had, but I have been greatly blessed. I believe that I have found favor in the eyes of the Lord in the last year and I have been blessed beyond measure.
So, what can I learn through the story of Solomon. I see things that I should do and things that I should avoid. First, I need to remember to always point the praise toward God. When blessings come my way, when wisdom is shared or when prosperity is given all the praise and glory should go to my Lord. There never should be an instance when I become puffed up and proud because of something that I have done.
Solomon was very good at this. Every time he was blessed he praised the Lord. Every time he imparted wisdom into a situation, he gave the glory to God. Every time he succeeded on a grand scale(think of all he built and accomplished in his life) he would plead to the Lord to bless his accomplishments. A wonderful reminder that we should always be pointing praise back to the Lord. After all, we were made to glorify God in ALL we do and say.
Then comes Solomon's downfall. I believe that Solomon got complacent in "the good life". He got so used to all the wonderful things that God had given him that he began to forget that these things were actually gifts. Did he forget that the Lord gives and the Lord can take away?
In I Kings, 11:1 there is one word that stands out to me like it is in a neon flashing sign. HOWEVER. After many chapters describing Solomon's success, this word is used. It is the beginning of the end for Solomon. I don't want this word to follow in my story. The story of my success in overcoming addiction and then the blessing of a child that followed.
How did Solomon get there? As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God as the heart of David his father had been. 1 Kings 11:4 Slowly, over time, Solomon lost focus. His heart became divided between the things of this world and the one true God. Because of this, the Lord became angry with Solomon and began to strip away all of the blessings. His wisdom became a curse. His wives that he so loved became a burden. His peaceful rule was stripped away from him.
Oh Lord, may I learn a lesson from this! May I not become content and forget what you are doing in my life. May I always point everything back to you. What a good example of what to do and not to do. May I heed this warning.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Lessons from a Child
A few years ago, Eleanor began asking for a baby brother or sister. We took these opportunities to teach her about prayer. Each time she would ask, we would redirect her to pray about it. We would also temper our teaching with the fact that God sometimes says "No" and explain that even if she prayed for it, God may not give her what she is asking for.
As time went by, and Bryan and I silently struggled with infertility, Eleanor remained faithful. I would catch her whispering simple prayers to her Jesus as she played with her toys. She would bring it up and we would reminder her that the answer may not be what she wanted. She would also remind us to have faith by saying things like, "Just stick with the plan, Mom."
One day, right before school was out, Eleanor came home with an announcement. She said, "Mom, I was praying for a baby today in school and I think God said yes. I am not sure though, because Mrs. Stephan was talking." That sweet child had heard from God.
Yes, we were going to have a baby. A few days before this proclamation from my child, I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. Blood work had been done to confirm it and everything looked good.
I wanted to fall on my knees, scoop that child in my arms, and tell her right then that she had taught her mother an amazing lesson in faith. When Bryan and I didn't believe it would ever happen, our child lead us through with a firm childlike faith.
Yesterday, we saw that sweet little heartbeat and we got to share the excitement with Eleanor. Let me tell you, that girl is excited! What a lesson of prayer and faith that child has learned at an early age.
When I ran across the scripture above in Luke a few weeks ago, it struck a cord in my heart. You see, we couldn't have another baby. After several failed attempts at infertility treatments, we had given up. There seemed to be no way that it was going to happen. Five years had gone by. My Lord had different plans. He waited for us to throw up our hands in surrender. Then, He did what no drug or treatment could do. He created a life without help from medicine or doctors. He made my barren womb fruitful! Praise be unto God for this amazing gift! My heart overflows with such praise and gratitude. God did what only God could do and in his way and his timing.
So, we will happily welcome the fourth member of our family into this world in January 2013!!!
As time went by, and Bryan and I silently struggled with infertility, Eleanor remained faithful. I would catch her whispering simple prayers to her Jesus as she played with her toys. She would bring it up and we would reminder her that the answer may not be what she wanted. She would also remind us to have faith by saying things like, "Just stick with the plan, Mom."
One day, right before school was out, Eleanor came home with an announcement. She said, "Mom, I was praying for a baby today in school and I think God said yes. I am not sure though, because Mrs. Stephan was talking." That sweet child had heard from God.
Yes, we were going to have a baby. A few days before this proclamation from my child, I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. Blood work had been done to confirm it and everything looked good.
I wanted to fall on my knees, scoop that child in my arms, and tell her right then that she had taught her mother an amazing lesson in faith. When Bryan and I didn't believe it would ever happen, our child lead us through with a firm childlike faith.
When I ran across the scripture above in Luke a few weeks ago, it struck a cord in my heart. You see, we couldn't have another baby. After several failed attempts at infertility treatments, we had given up. There seemed to be no way that it was going to happen. Five years had gone by. My Lord had different plans. He waited for us to throw up our hands in surrender. Then, He did what no drug or treatment could do. He created a life without help from medicine or doctors. He made my barren womb fruitful! Praise be unto God for this amazing gift! My heart overflows with such praise and gratitude. God did what only God could do and in his way and his timing.
So, we will happily welcome the fourth member of our family into this world in January 2013!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
View from the Top
This past year, you all have joined me as I entered my valley of defeat and then began a very long hike up the mountain. It was so hard in the beginning. There were snares and the forest floor was thick with obstacles to overcome and sometimes it was hard to even find my way in the darkness. Over time, the trees became more sparse, the hiking became easier and at times I would even catch a glimpse of God's greatness and the sun would peak out and shine down on me. It was these moments, that kept me going.
Well, I am finally at the top of that mountain. The view is spectacular. I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the glorious, refreshing air. I feel the warmth of my Father's love like the sun on a cloudless day. As I stop and look back down the mountain, I can hardly believe that I made it up at all. I am reminded that it was step by step that got me here.
With this mountaintop experience, blessings beyond measure have been given to my family in the past couple of weeks. I will be honest, that life has been so good, that Bryan and I have actually been holding our breathe and waiting to trip and stumble back down this mountain. Almost as if we expect it all to be good to be true.
But, I am reminded today that there is a time and a season for everything. I have just been through a period of intense pruning and discipline. I know now that the Lord is giving me a time of rest. A time to allow my new growth to sprout and to blossom. A time to let that growth stretch towards the sunlight. So, I will sit for awhile on this mountain top. I will rest in peace that sometimes God does shower us with blessings that we don't deserve. That God does allow us a time to just enjoy life abundantly. On this mountain top, I will take the time to just be with my Lord. To rest and to praise Him.
Then, when the time comes, I will get up and begin the descent back into the valley. Yes, there will also be a time for me to leave this mountain top. There will always be valleys and mountaintops. I just have to learn to enjoy the view when I can. Not to second guess it. Not to be anxious about when the next valley might come about. Just live with my Lord, day by day, no matter where I am on that mountain.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laught,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time for hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Well, I am finally at the top of that mountain. The view is spectacular. I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the glorious, refreshing air. I feel the warmth of my Father's love like the sun on a cloudless day. As I stop and look back down the mountain, I can hardly believe that I made it up at all. I am reminded that it was step by step that got me here.
With this mountaintop experience, blessings beyond measure have been given to my family in the past couple of weeks. I will be honest, that life has been so good, that Bryan and I have actually been holding our breathe and waiting to trip and stumble back down this mountain. Almost as if we expect it all to be good to be true.
But, I am reminded today that there is a time and a season for everything. I have just been through a period of intense pruning and discipline. I know now that the Lord is giving me a time of rest. A time to allow my new growth to sprout and to blossom. A time to let that growth stretch towards the sunlight. So, I will sit for awhile on this mountain top. I will rest in peace that sometimes God does shower us with blessings that we don't deserve. That God does allow us a time to just enjoy life abundantly. On this mountain top, I will take the time to just be with my Lord. To rest and to praise Him.
Then, when the time comes, I will get up and begin the descent back into the valley. Yes, there will also be a time for me to leave this mountain top. There will always be valleys and mountaintops. I just have to learn to enjoy the view when I can. Not to second guess it. Not to be anxious about when the next valley might come about. Just live with my Lord, day by day, no matter where I am on that mountain.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laught,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time for hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
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