To be Perfectly Honest

I am actually very scared to put this out there in fear of the backlash that may come.  But, if I want to continue to be honest with you all, I need to share so you guys can know how to pray for me.  So I am going to risk sounding like a person with a complete eating disorder and write this blog. 
After the year that I have had, I am having a really hard time with the amount of food that I am supposed/need to eat and also with gaining weight needed to have a healthy pregnancy.
The fact that I am having to eat at an almost constant pace throughout the day to consume the amount of calories that are needed terrifies me.  What if I get used to eating all this food?  What if it becomes a habit that I can't break when this pregnancy is over?  There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when a person who has had weight loss surgery gets pregnant.  You lose some of the restriction you once had in your stomach.  It is very frightening to once be able to only consume a half of a sandwich and overnight being able to eat the whole thing.  I am scared to death, even though I am told otherwise, that the restriction won't come back. 
Then there is that dang scale.  Oh, it is my enemy.  The first few months of my pregnancy were great.  I continued to lose weight and all was well.  But in the last two months, that number has started creeping up.  Now, I am only talking about 4 pounds.  Crazy huh?  I am still in the "negative" from where I started this pregnancy, but that number going up from any point is more than I can handle some days.  I struggle with the feeling that I am doing what I have always done.  Taking off the weight only to put it back on again. 
I know it sounds so bad.  I know you are shaking your head at me and probably think that I need therapy.  But, I am really struggling.  I will do what ever is necessary to ensure that this baby is healthy.  I know that means that I need to continue to eat and gain weight.  I just don't know how to deal with the emotional side of this.  It is very hard for me to look at myself in the mirror.  I see fat instead of a baby bump.  I just never knew that it would be this hard to handle the diet and weight gain portion of it all!  So, think what you may, but please be kind to me.  I don't need criticism.  I know how horrible it is for me to feel this way.  But, I have always been 100% real on this blog and I feel like I should continue to be.  This is a real part of life after weight loss surgery.  Because of that, I will share.