Do you remember how fearful I was of gaining weight during my pregnancy? How I would freak out every single time the number on the scale would go up. I was so scared and worried that I would fall back into bad habits and that the weight would never come back off. In the end, I gained 22 pounds with Henry. Looking back, I am very proud of that number. Glad that God gave me the power to daily turn my eating over to him and not to "eat for two" and give into every craving and desire.
Well, since Henry's birth, I have been trying to lose those last 7 pounds that didn't immediately come off. I dropped 6 pounds in two weeks of dieting and I got really excited. I was not only going to get all the extra weight off, I was going to hit my final goal in no time. I got prideful. I started patting myself on the back. That is when the weight stalled. It stalled for 6 weeks. Stalled with one little pound to go. God took that 6 weeks to humble me and to turn me back to him. To make me remember that I have never been successful in weight loss without him. It is nothing that I can ever do. In fact, when I turn to myself and start trying to do it out of my own power, I always fail. The weight loss stops and I get disappointed and discouraged.
Today I want to give a big shout out to my God! I lost that last pound. In 3 short months, God has gotten me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My fears were for nothing. He was faithful yet again. It is all about trusting him. I have to be reminded again and again that I will only be successful when I put him first. I will finish this. I will meet my goal. Why? Because my God does not fail. He will be glorified in this. Now on to that final 22 pounds.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul: and all that is within me, bless his Holy name. Psalm 103:1
Friday, April 26, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Reflections of the 300 lb. Woman
I have had an interesting day. I have noticed a lot of things about myself. It started this morning when I pulled out a t-shirt that my mother-in-law bought me. I held it up and thought that it looked mighty small. I looked at the tag and it was a Large. Uh-oh, I knew that I needed a X-Large. I sighed and tried it on anyway. Guess what? IT FIT! Now, I have purchased Large shirts in the past, but I don't think I will ever get used to not being in a 2XL and having them fit like a glove. I wonder if I will always see myself as that 300 lb. woman. The mirror never reflects what I expect it. I am often shocked when I see pictures of myself. That is not how I see myself in my mind's eye.
Then, I headed to the kitchen to grab a snack this afternoon. I immediately went for a turkey burger patty and warmed it up. I chuckled to myself as I was eating it. Did I ever think that I would get used to eating this way? Much less imagine that it would seem NORMAL. If I were to tell that 300 lb. woman that she would adjust and actually enjoy eating this way, I am sure she would laugh in my face.
Lastly, I sat waiting on Eleanor's bus this afternoon and it hit me that I am almost to my 2 year anniversary of my surgery. I started to beat myself up because I still have 25 pounds to lose. I stopped myself because I would rather have Henry than have met my goal. How is it even possible that my life is where it is today? I never, ever would have imagined how greatly God would bless me when I took that first step to trust him and I enter that operating room.
Oh, I still want to lose that 25 pounds and I will do everything I can, through God's strength, to get there. Only there is one other change that has occurred within me. I am no longer obsessed with the scale. I have watched for the last 6 weeks as the number has remained the same. I have stepped off the scale each time very calmly thinking to myself that I will not be defeated by that number. I can reflect on each day of those weeks and know that I have honored God through my eating. That reflection can be as big of a victory to me now as weight loss.
God has completely changed me from the inside out. I am so grateful for all the things he has done. I am still amazed at this continuing journey. It may take me another 2 years to reach my weight goal, but I know that God is in control. I will get there when he wants me to.
Then, I headed to the kitchen to grab a snack this afternoon. I immediately went for a turkey burger patty and warmed it up. I chuckled to myself as I was eating it. Did I ever think that I would get used to eating this way? Much less imagine that it would seem NORMAL. If I were to tell that 300 lb. woman that she would adjust and actually enjoy eating this way, I am sure she would laugh in my face.
Lastly, I sat waiting on Eleanor's bus this afternoon and it hit me that I am almost to my 2 year anniversary of my surgery. I started to beat myself up because I still have 25 pounds to lose. I stopped myself because I would rather have Henry than have met my goal. How is it even possible that my life is where it is today? I never, ever would have imagined how greatly God would bless me when I took that first step to trust him and I enter that operating room.
Oh, I still want to lose that 25 pounds and I will do everything I can, through God's strength, to get there. Only there is one other change that has occurred within me. I am no longer obsessed with the scale. I have watched for the last 6 weeks as the number has remained the same. I have stepped off the scale each time very calmly thinking to myself that I will not be defeated by that number. I can reflect on each day of those weeks and know that I have honored God through my eating. That reflection can be as big of a victory to me now as weight loss.
God has completely changed me from the inside out. I am so grateful for all the things he has done. I am still amazed at this continuing journey. It may take me another 2 years to reach my weight goal, but I know that God is in control. I will get there when he wants me to.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Crying Over Spilled Milk
It started out as a simple evening. I was running to get us some supper. We had chosen to get some barbeque because that helps with my protein requirements. Well, the resturant was closed, so Bryan and Eleanor decided they wanted Wendy's. I knew going through the drive-thru that this was going to be another time that I was left having to say "no". The only thing on the menu that I could eat was the salad and why in the world $6 for a salad when I had lettuce as home. So, I ordered Eleanor and Bryan their meals and headed home.
That is when the tears started. For some people, it may be hard to understand why someone would actually cry over food. For me, it is a reality that happens more than most people will ever realize. You see, I made a commitment when I chose to have my weight loss surgery. A commitment to eat a certain way for the rest of my life. I knew it would be hard, but I tell you, I thought it would have gotten easier by now.
It is so hard to sit and say "no thank you" over and over when all you really want to say is "yes, please". Having to say no to the pizza, french fries, doughnut, Easter candy, birthday cake, hamburger, or even the soda time and time again. Having to sit and watch while those around me eat what I want to be enjoying. It truly is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Why? Because I know that it will never end. I know that in order to remain true to my commitment to God, my husband and myself that I will never get to enjoy food the way that I did before.
So, I cry. I mourn the food that I will not allow myself to consume. I cry and I quote 1 Corinthians 10:23 over and over again. It says, "Everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissable, but not everything is constructive." I know that I could easily eat any food that I want, but I know that it would not be beneficial for me. It is just so hard to do sometimes.
Very few can understand what it really feels like to have to always refrain from the one thing you love doing so much. That is where God comes in. I know he understands and I know that he will give me strength to continue to make the decisions that I need to on a daily basis. I just have to let it out sometimes. I need to scream and stomp my foot and complain that no one gets it. Yet, I know that there is someone that understands sacrifice even more than I do. How dare I complain about having to sacrifice the food I love for the rest of my life when my God sacrificed his own Son for me? Kind of brings it all into perspecitve. Guess I really do need to stop crying over spilled milk and be thankful for all that I have and all that has been given to me.
That is when the tears started. For some people, it may be hard to understand why someone would actually cry over food. For me, it is a reality that happens more than most people will ever realize. You see, I made a commitment when I chose to have my weight loss surgery. A commitment to eat a certain way for the rest of my life. I knew it would be hard, but I tell you, I thought it would have gotten easier by now.
It is so hard to sit and say "no thank you" over and over when all you really want to say is "yes, please". Having to say no to the pizza, french fries, doughnut, Easter candy, birthday cake, hamburger, or even the soda time and time again. Having to sit and watch while those around me eat what I want to be enjoying. It truly is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Why? Because I know that it will never end. I know that in order to remain true to my commitment to God, my husband and myself that I will never get to enjoy food the way that I did before.
So, I cry. I mourn the food that I will not allow myself to consume. I cry and I quote 1 Corinthians 10:23 over and over again. It says, "Everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissable, but not everything is constructive." I know that I could easily eat any food that I want, but I know that it would not be beneficial for me. It is just so hard to do sometimes.
Very few can understand what it really feels like to have to always refrain from the one thing you love doing so much. That is where God comes in. I know he understands and I know that he will give me strength to continue to make the decisions that I need to on a daily basis. I just have to let it out sometimes. I need to scream and stomp my foot and complain that no one gets it. Yet, I know that there is someone that understands sacrifice even more than I do. How dare I complain about having to sacrifice the food I love for the rest of my life when my God sacrificed his own Son for me? Kind of brings it all into perspecitve. Guess I really do need to stop crying over spilled milk and be thankful for all that I have and all that has been given to me.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Askew
For the last few months, I have felt that my world is askew. That I just don't fit where I am. Although, I have friends, I don't really have a place. Although I am a member of a church, I don't really belong. Even though I am blessed beyond belief in my home life, some thing is off. I just can't put my finger on it. I can't figure out what is off. I have prayed to the Lord to explain to me what is going on or maybe to change me to fit into this world where he has placed me. Into a world that I once fit so perfectly.
Last week I picked up the book Kisses for Katie. A book about a 19 year old girl that took a big leap of faith and traveled across the world to follow the will of God. It has opened my heart and my mind to the fact that maybe I am not in the center of God's will.
I feel that there is something that God wants me to do that I am not doing. I do not think that God wants me to move into a grass hut in the middle of Africa but there is something that he is moving me toward. A journey that he wants me to take.
So today, I will begin to pray that God will open my eyes and show me just what it is. I will pray that God will move me out of my comfort zone and begin to reveal what it is that he wants to accomplish through me.
I am a little scared at what he may ask of me. I am even more afraid to stay where I am. I am tired of not understanding my place in this little world of mine. So maybe stepping out of this world and into the world that God wants me to live in is the answer. Maybe, just maybe, that is the answer. That my focus needs to be on the world around me and what Jesus wants to do through me.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for the first time in a long time, I am open for anything!
Last week I picked up the book Kisses for Katie. A book about a 19 year old girl that took a big leap of faith and traveled across the world to follow the will of God. It has opened my heart and my mind to the fact that maybe I am not in the center of God's will.
I feel that there is something that God wants me to do that I am not doing. I do not think that God wants me to move into a grass hut in the middle of Africa but there is something that he is moving me toward. A journey that he wants me to take.
So today, I will begin to pray that God will open my eyes and show me just what it is. I will pray that God will move me out of my comfort zone and begin to reveal what it is that he wants to accomplish through me.
I am a little scared at what he may ask of me. I am even more afraid to stay where I am. I am tired of not understanding my place in this little world of mine. So maybe stepping out of this world and into the world that God wants me to live in is the answer. Maybe, just maybe, that is the answer. That my focus needs to be on the world around me and what Jesus wants to do through me.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for the first time in a long time, I am open for anything!
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