Halloween. Today usually marks my food frenzy that lasts until January 1st. Oh, the holidays. Sure they are for friends and family to gather and enjoy one another. But, if I am honest(and you know I always am), my main thought is about what kind of food I will get to eat. It is a time of no limits and no questions asked. Enjoy yourself to the fullest is always my motto.
Well, this year will be different. Bryan and I discussed what I was going to do this year and the conclusion we came to will not be an easy one. This year, it will be a time of sacrifice. I am committing to skip all of the normal treats this year. That is right, not even a cookie on Christmas.
I know many of you may be thinking that this is extreme, but let me explain. There will come a time in my life when I will be able to eat all things in moderation. But, I have been so blessed with this amazing surgery, that I feel like I need to give it my all until the weight is completely off. It has been nearly 6 months without a cookie, cake, pie or any baked good passing through my mouth. What is a few more months in the grand scheme of things?
Throughout these months, I have learned how to cope with the situations when these things are present. I have learned that the temptation to eat is always met with a way out. I have learned that if I can hold out just long enough, then everyone else is through eating it and then I am victorious one more time. Oh, the feeling of victory(even the small ones) is so much better than the guilt!!
Today I read in Philippians 3 about pressing on towards the goal. What is my goal? Of course it is to lose the weight. But in a heavenly sense, it is to live the life that God has called me into until the day I meet him in Glory. So, I will cling to the knowledge that life is about more than this. One day these small sacrifices will be met with a great reward. A reward of knowing that I am striving for the eternal prize. A relationship with God is so much better than a pan of brownies will ever be!!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But, one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Gift of Time
As you well know, I have been struggling with my purpose in life. Trying to figure out what I am supposed to do now that Eleanor is in school and I have free time on my hands. I have prayed and searched for something to do. I have volunteered to help out in many different areas and I am always turned down. I just couldn't figure out what God wanted me to do.
A few weeks ago during a major 3 hour meltdow/cryfest with my husband, he said something that has been bumping around in my head every since. He told me that maybe God wanted me to spend this time focusing on me. WHAT?!?!?!? I didn't like the sound of it, but something rang true. It has finally settled in my soul and I am at peace that God is giving the me gift of time.
He is giving me time that very few mothers and wives get to have. He is giving me time to focus on getting my temple in order. Time to work through my addiction and all that goes along with that.
At first, I felt guilty. But, I have slowly realized that it is okay to focus on me for a time.
Don't you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God. You do not belong to yourselves. 1 Corinthians 6:19
My body is a temple and I have neglected it for too long. I now see that God wants me to take this time to get my temple back in order. To honor him with how I live. To give him praise and glory for the way that my body can work and accomplish things.
So, I have turned over a new leaf. In the last 2 weeks, I have decided to make exercise a priority. I am treating it as my job. If Bryan and Eleanor have to get up and go to work and school, then my booty better be exercising.
This is an unbelievable gift that I have been given. I see that God's plans are bigger than we even realize. He brought me to the breaking point during a time in my life when I can focus on myself. I couldn't have done this a year ago.
The song that is rattling around in my brain this morning is Lord Prepare Me to be a Sanctuary. Beautiful words that are my prayer today.
Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy
Tried and True
And With Thanksgiving
I'll be a living sanctuary
Lord for you
A few weeks ago during a major 3 hour meltdow/cryfest with my husband, he said something that has been bumping around in my head every since. He told me that maybe God wanted me to spend this time focusing on me. WHAT?!?!?!? I didn't like the sound of it, but something rang true. It has finally settled in my soul and I am at peace that God is giving the me gift of time.
He is giving me time that very few mothers and wives get to have. He is giving me time to focus on getting my temple in order. Time to work through my addiction and all that goes along with that.
At first, I felt guilty. But, I have slowly realized that it is okay to focus on me for a time.
Don't you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God. You do not belong to yourselves. 1 Corinthians 6:19
My body is a temple and I have neglected it for too long. I now see that God wants me to take this time to get my temple back in order. To honor him with how I live. To give him praise and glory for the way that my body can work and accomplish things.
So, I have turned over a new leaf. In the last 2 weeks, I have decided to make exercise a priority. I am treating it as my job. If Bryan and Eleanor have to get up and go to work and school, then my booty better be exercising.
This is an unbelievable gift that I have been given. I see that God's plans are bigger than we even realize. He brought me to the breaking point during a time in my life when I can focus on myself. I couldn't have done this a year ago.
The song that is rattling around in my brain this morning is Lord Prepare Me to be a Sanctuary. Beautiful words that are my prayer today.
Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy
Tried and True
And With Thanksgiving
I'll be a living sanctuary
Lord for you
Monday, October 24, 2011
The List
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21
When I was in my early 20's I heard some advice to make a list of godly characteristics that you wanted in a husband. I made that list. It was a list of characteristics that were based directly from scripture on what a husband/man should be. Then, I began praying over that list. Every time a prospective suitor came along, I would pull out my list. I would get excited when the met most of the characteristics. I would justify why they were missing a couple(oh, he will start tithing when he gets a real job...). But every time, God would move them on(I can thank my mother's prayers for this. She was diligent to pray for each guy that came into my life. She would pray that God would move them on if it wasn't the one I was meant to marry. It would make me madder than a hatter to lose another boyfriend, but now I am so thankful for those prayers).
I had been tempted so many times to give up this list. To compromise my beliefs for love. But, for over 7 years, I held tight to my belief that God had a mate for me that would live up to my list.
Then one day, God brought Bryan into my life. Bryan had every one of the characteristics that I had prayed over for so many years. I knew that I had found my mate.
But, even though this list covered all the basics of a godly husband, I am surprised on a daily basis. God knew I needed so much more. It is just like the verse above. God is able to do immeasurably more than we can even think to ask for.
God was able to look into the future and see what I would need. God knew that I needed someone that could see past the physical appearance and love me for what was inside. It amazes me on a regular basis that Bryan could love me and marry me at my heaviest weight. I was 312 pounds the day I walked down the aisle. But, Bryan saw beauty. Not many men could do that.
God knew that Bryan would be my biggest cheerleader and supporter throughout this journey. Through the rough years of dieting with no results. Through the times of binge eating to numb out feelings. All the way through the ugliness of my addiction, this man loved me unconditionally. Finally, through one of the biggest decisions of our lives, he helped me to decide to radically change my life forever.
Isn't God good! He knows what we need and he provides it. It is a wonderful example to dream big and ask for more than you can ever imagine. To God be the glory!
When I was in my early 20's I heard some advice to make a list of godly characteristics that you wanted in a husband. I made that list. It was a list of characteristics that were based directly from scripture on what a husband/man should be. Then, I began praying over that list. Every time a prospective suitor came along, I would pull out my list. I would get excited when the met most of the characteristics. I would justify why they were missing a couple(oh, he will start tithing when he gets a real job...). But every time, God would move them on(I can thank my mother's prayers for this. She was diligent to pray for each guy that came into my life. She would pray that God would move them on if it wasn't the one I was meant to marry. It would make me madder than a hatter to lose another boyfriend, but now I am so thankful for those prayers).
I had been tempted so many times to give up this list. To compromise my beliefs for love. But, for over 7 years, I held tight to my belief that God had a mate for me that would live up to my list.
Then one day, God brought Bryan into my life. Bryan had every one of the characteristics that I had prayed over for so many years. I knew that I had found my mate.
But, even though this list covered all the basics of a godly husband, I am surprised on a daily basis. God knew I needed so much more. It is just like the verse above. God is able to do immeasurably more than we can even think to ask for.
God was able to look into the future and see what I would need. God knew that I needed someone that could see past the physical appearance and love me for what was inside. It amazes me on a regular basis that Bryan could love me and marry me at my heaviest weight. I was 312 pounds the day I walked down the aisle. But, Bryan saw beauty. Not many men could do that.
God knew that Bryan would be my biggest cheerleader and supporter throughout this journey. Through the rough years of dieting with no results. Through the times of binge eating to numb out feelings. All the way through the ugliness of my addiction, this man loved me unconditionally. Finally, through one of the biggest decisions of our lives, he helped me to decide to radically change my life forever.
Isn't God good! He knows what we need and he provides it. It is a wonderful example to dream big and ask for more than you can ever imagine. To God be the glory!
Monday, October 17, 2011
I AM DONE!
This morning at the gym, I put my ipod on shuffle and set off on the treadmill. This song came on and gave me a wake up call. It is my new anthem. I am done with the negative self talk. Done believing the lies of Satan. Done with worrying about what others think of me. Done with judging myself for failures. Today is a new day. There is a new fire in me and I will finish what I started.
Now I know some of you are thinking that Pink is not a good role model, but listen to the words! As I walked on the treadmill this morning, I had tears rolling down my face(yeah, got some weird looks). It is as if I could hear God saying, "Mary, you are perfect to me". For we are God's workmanship...Ephesians 2:10 or how about You are fearfully and wonderfully made ..Psalm 139: 14.
If you haven't heard anything else that I have said in the last five months, please here this: God didn't make a mistake when he created you. You are his workmanship. You are worth more than those voices inside your head are telling you. We have to stop listening to and believing the lies of Satan.
With that said, today I will focus on the amazing things that I have accomplished through Christ in the last 5 months. First and foremost, I have gotten a handle on my addiction. Through Christ's strength I have not had any of my old "comfort" foods in 5 months. Every day I remember this truth. So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. Therefore, my dear friends, flee. 1 Corinthians 10:12-14 I know that my God is bigger than my addiction and every day I stand firm in that knowledge!
Secondly, I have lost 66 pounds and 44 inches. It is such an amazing accomplishment, that I still can't get my head around it. I sometimes want to listen to the voice in my head that says I only did it because of my surgery. But no, my friends, my surgery was a tool to help me. I have accomplished this. Every day I a make a thousand choices that have brought me here. Through God's guidance I take a step at a time toward my goal. It is my victory in Christ and I will claim it.
Finally, I have begun to live life again. Doing things that once I couldn't because my weight wouldn't let me. Taking a hike, swinging with my daughter, dancing with my husband. You see, I am worth living my life to the fullest. I am getting a glimmer of what life used to be and I am excited. God has great things in store for me.
So, today I will finish what I started. I have a little over 50 pounds to go. I will conquer this. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 God loves me enough to take me to the finish line!
Sorry this was so long today! Here are some pictures I ran across. The first one was taken in January and the second just last week. What a difference, huh!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Can't Find My Happy
For years I have said to myself, "If I could only be under 250 and fit into a size 18, I would be happy!". (Now I know that this isn't a great goal, but being stuck at 300 for so long, I needed to set a reasonable goal for myself.) I never dreamed that I could do any better. But guess what...I am there and I am not happy.
I have become withdrawn from friends. I go days with out speaking to anyone but Bryan, Eleanor and Mother. I have no desire to socialize. But, shouldn't it be the opposite? I am on my way to skinny, but I am not happy. Where is all that joy that is supposed to come along with it? You see it in commercials and on reality TV. They get skinny, they get happy.
I remembered a chapter in Made to Crave that was about this topic. I revisited it this morning and there I found my answer.
My body size is not tied to my happy. If my happy was missing when I was larger, it will still be missing when I get smaller. Tying my happy to food, skinny jeans, or anything else sets me up for failure. -Lysa Terkeurst
There is only one thing that can make me happy. I have to tie my happy to Jesus. How do I do that?
As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:9-12
There it is: Remain in me! Okay, but how? Love each other. It is so strange to me that these would be connected. I know it is bad, but I am reluctant to try. For reasons that I can't quite explain, I don't feel like loving anyone else right now. I have my own "stuff" to deal with. Now before you say, "Now Mary....", I know I am in the wrong. I just don't know if I can move out of it right now.
There are so many factors that are weighing on letting people back in. Factors that I don't really want to go into, but I will say that it is easier for me not to put myself out there than to deal with the repercussions of being hurt or criticized.
So, I must work on this. I want to find my happy. On this I will dwell on today.
After all, remember the ultimate goal of this journey isn't about making me a smaller sized person but rather making me crave Jesus and His truths as the ultimate filler of my heart. We are to remain in this healthy perspective. Let His thoughts be our thoughts. REMAIN. Let His ways be our ways. REMAIN. Let His truths go to the depths of our hearts and produce good things in our lives. REMAIN. Approach this world full of fellow incomplete people with the joy of Jesus. REMAIN. And see our skinny jeans as a fun reward, nothing more. REMAIN. And be led forth in peace because I've kept my happy tied only to Jesus. REMAIN. -Lysa TerKeurst
I have become withdrawn from friends. I go days with out speaking to anyone but Bryan, Eleanor and Mother. I have no desire to socialize. But, shouldn't it be the opposite? I am on my way to skinny, but I am not happy. Where is all that joy that is supposed to come along with it? You see it in commercials and on reality TV. They get skinny, they get happy.
I remembered a chapter in Made to Crave that was about this topic. I revisited it this morning and there I found my answer.
My body size is not tied to my happy. If my happy was missing when I was larger, it will still be missing when I get smaller. Tying my happy to food, skinny jeans, or anything else sets me up for failure. -Lysa Terkeurst
There is only one thing that can make me happy. I have to tie my happy to Jesus. How do I do that?
As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:9-12
There it is: Remain in me! Okay, but how? Love each other. It is so strange to me that these would be connected. I know it is bad, but I am reluctant to try. For reasons that I can't quite explain, I don't feel like loving anyone else right now. I have my own "stuff" to deal with. Now before you say, "Now Mary....", I know I am in the wrong. I just don't know if I can move out of it right now.
There are so many factors that are weighing on letting people back in. Factors that I don't really want to go into, but I will say that it is easier for me not to put myself out there than to deal with the repercussions of being hurt or criticized.
So, I must work on this. I want to find my happy. On this I will dwell on today.
After all, remember the ultimate goal of this journey isn't about making me a smaller sized person but rather making me crave Jesus and His truths as the ultimate filler of my heart. We are to remain in this healthy perspective. Let His thoughts be our thoughts. REMAIN. Let His ways be our ways. REMAIN. Let His truths go to the depths of our hearts and produce good things in our lives. REMAIN. Approach this world full of fellow incomplete people with the joy of Jesus. REMAIN. And see our skinny jeans as a fun reward, nothing more. REMAIN. And be led forth in peace because I've kept my happy tied only to Jesus. REMAIN. -Lysa TerKeurst
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sneaky Satan
As most of you already know, I was "MOOOed" at by some teenage boys yesterday while I was walking down Bridge Street. I was instantly taken back to junior high, when the boys were so mean and cruel to me. Always laughing and snickering at me both to my face and when they didn't think that I knew. (I even had a boy come up and hand me a empty jar of Slim-Fast in front of the whole school and everyone around was laughing.)
I thought I would be immune to it. I thought that with age, you are more confident in who you are. I was wrong. I wish I could say that I had a smart comment to whip back to the kid that did it, but I was stunned silent. Forced to walk by like I had not heard a thing.
Through the support of friends, I have realized that it was an attack by Satan. It is so interesting how he will lay low for awhile. Just long enough for you to get comfortable and let your guard down. Then he comes in for the kill. Catching you with your defenses down and knowing how to hit in the exact spot that will hurt the most.
I have just gotten over a major attack by someone that I considered a friend. It has taken months for that wound to begin to heal. I guess it was time to attack again. Satan wants to try and get me to a point that I am never fully standing strong with my Lord.
Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith...." I Peter 5:8-9a
Two things I have to remember. The first is that Satan doesn't bother with you when you aren't doing what the Lord wants you to. This confirms yet again, that I am on the right path. This journey was God ordained and I am doing what he asks of me. Second, that I need to stay alert. Letting my guard down will only allow for Satan to get a foothold. Satan doesn't fool around. It isn't a joke to him. He is in the business of bringing God followers to destruction. We have to be alert and ready for his attacks!
I thought I would be immune to it. I thought that with age, you are more confident in who you are. I was wrong. I wish I could say that I had a smart comment to whip back to the kid that did it, but I was stunned silent. Forced to walk by like I had not heard a thing.
Through the support of friends, I have realized that it was an attack by Satan. It is so interesting how he will lay low for awhile. Just long enough for you to get comfortable and let your guard down. Then he comes in for the kill. Catching you with your defenses down and knowing how to hit in the exact spot that will hurt the most.
I have just gotten over a major attack by someone that I considered a friend. It has taken months for that wound to begin to heal. I guess it was time to attack again. Satan wants to try and get me to a point that I am never fully standing strong with my Lord.
Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith...." I Peter 5:8-9a
Two things I have to remember. The first is that Satan doesn't bother with you when you aren't doing what the Lord wants you to. This confirms yet again, that I am on the right path. This journey was God ordained and I am doing what he asks of me. Second, that I need to stay alert. Letting my guard down will only allow for Satan to get a foothold. Satan doesn't fool around. It isn't a joke to him. He is in the business of bringing God followers to destruction. We have to be alert and ready for his attacks!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Peace Be With You
Yesterday we had a guest speaker at church(Forgive me that I don't remember his name. I am terrible at remembering names. At times, I don't even remember friends names!). The answer to my recent struggles of self doubt and self loathing came through loud and clear. One simple statement from Jesus, brought it all back into perspective.
It comes from John 20 after the Resurrection of Jesus. He appears to his fearful disciples and the first thing out of his mouth is "Peace be with you" John 20:19
I was reminded that where Jesus is, there is peace. If you take even a step away from the Savior, your peace will start to waiver. Perfect peace is found in the presence of the Lord.
As I reflected on my week, I realized that I had gotten comfortable in my walk with God. Started having the "I have got this under control" attitude. That is when all the bad feelings started creeping in. I started thinking that because I was walking with the Lord, that I could be in control again. That I didn't need as much "support" from him. And that, my friend, was a pure lie from Satan. I can never do it on my own. Not a single second of my day can be handled without the presence of Jesus. Why? Because a life will never be lived in peace, if the Lord is not close by.
Flash forward to this morning. I step on the scale. Then step off. Step back on just to make sure I was seeing it correct. Yep, weight gain. For a brief moment, the flood of failure and total disappointment wanted to creep in. I took a deep breathe and reminded myself that it was a pure reflection of my attitude this past week. Why do I have to follow the rules? I have this under control! Slowly slipping back into a high carbohydrate diet. Thinking that the rules didn't apply to me. But, oh yes they do. This attitude can be directed back to my steps away from Christ. I had seemed to have forgotten that the Lord is in control of this process. The Lord will not share his praise. Weight loss is not something in which I am succeeding at on my own. The Lord is allowing this to take place for his glory alone. It was time for a reality check.
Today this is my prayer.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:10-12
It comes from John 20 after the Resurrection of Jesus. He appears to his fearful disciples and the first thing out of his mouth is "Peace be with you" John 20:19
I was reminded that where Jesus is, there is peace. If you take even a step away from the Savior, your peace will start to waiver. Perfect peace is found in the presence of the Lord.
As I reflected on my week, I realized that I had gotten comfortable in my walk with God. Started having the "I have got this under control" attitude. That is when all the bad feelings started creeping in. I started thinking that because I was walking with the Lord, that I could be in control again. That I didn't need as much "support" from him. And that, my friend, was a pure lie from Satan. I can never do it on my own. Not a single second of my day can be handled without the presence of Jesus. Why? Because a life will never be lived in peace, if the Lord is not close by.
Flash forward to this morning. I step on the scale. Then step off. Step back on just to make sure I was seeing it correct. Yep, weight gain. For a brief moment, the flood of failure and total disappointment wanted to creep in. I took a deep breathe and reminded myself that it was a pure reflection of my attitude this past week. Why do I have to follow the rules? I have this under control! Slowly slipping back into a high carbohydrate diet. Thinking that the rules didn't apply to me. But, oh yes they do. This attitude can be directed back to my steps away from Christ. I had seemed to have forgotten that the Lord is in control of this process. The Lord will not share his praise. Weight loss is not something in which I am succeeding at on my own. The Lord is allowing this to take place for his glory alone. It was time for a reality check.
Today this is my prayer.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:10-12
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