This past year, you all have joined me as I entered my valley of defeat and then began a very long hike up the mountain. It was so hard in the beginning. There were snares and the forest floor was thick with obstacles to overcome and sometimes it was hard to even find my way in the darkness. Over time, the trees became more sparse, the hiking became easier and at times I would even catch a glimpse of God's greatness and the sun would peak out and shine down on me. It was these moments, that kept me going.
Well, I am finally at the top of that mountain. The view is spectacular. I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the glorious, refreshing air. I feel the warmth of my Father's love like the sun on a cloudless day. As I stop and look back down the mountain, I can hardly believe that I made it up at all. I am reminded that it was step by step that got me here.
With this mountaintop experience, blessings beyond measure have been given to my family in the past couple of weeks. I will be honest, that life has been so good, that Bryan and I have actually been holding our breathe and waiting to trip and stumble back down this mountain. Almost as if we expect it all to be good to be true.
But, I am reminded today that there is a time and a season for everything. I have just been through a period of intense pruning and discipline. I know now that the Lord is giving me a time of rest. A time to allow my new growth to sprout and to blossom. A time to let that growth stretch towards the sunlight. So, I will sit for awhile on this mountain top. I will rest in peace that sometimes God does shower us with blessings that we don't deserve. That God does allow us a time to just enjoy life abundantly. On this mountain top, I will take the time to just be with my Lord. To rest and to praise Him.
Then, when the time comes, I will get up and begin the descent back into the valley. Yes, there will also be a time for me to leave this mountain top. There will always be valleys and mountaintops. I just have to learn to enjoy the view when I can. Not to second guess it. Not to be anxious about when the next valley might come about. Just live with my Lord, day by day, no matter where I am on that mountain.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laught,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time for hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
A Year to be Remembered
Today marks a year gone by since my surgery. I can't believe how far I have come in what feels like such a short time. I was reading this morning and this is the scripture that stuck with me. Jesus was sending his disciples out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. This is what he told them to do.
Take nothing with you for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Luke 9:3
It struck me how this caused the disciples to have great faith and trust that the Lord was going to take care of them. That he would provide what was needed when it was needed. They were to simply follow and do what God instructed them to do. They were to give themselves whole-heartedly to what ever that might be.
I realized that this is what was required of me as well. In the beginning of this journey, all control was taken from me. I had to learn to live a new life with none of the resources that I had always had. I had to start over from what I call rock bottom. This is what was required of me to become 100% dependent on my Lord. Over and over, I would come to a place that I needed something, and the Lord always provided. Whether that need was physical or spiritual, it was always there waiting for me. Through a kind word from a friend, a sweet prayer whispered for me, or simply the strength to make it through some of the hardest situations in my life. God was there and God was providing.
The journey isn't done. If fact, it is shifting into other directions. But, today, I just wanted to share in my victory over my addiction. Share with my faithful friends just how far God has brought with me. Join with me in giving him ALL the praise. He is the one that has been my Great Provider all of these months. Glory to him for the work he has done in me!
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
Started at 306 pounds and now 198(108 pounds lost)
Take nothing with you for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Luke 9:3
It struck me how this caused the disciples to have great faith and trust that the Lord was going to take care of them. That he would provide what was needed when it was needed. They were to simply follow and do what God instructed them to do. They were to give themselves whole-heartedly to what ever that might be.
I realized that this is what was required of me as well. In the beginning of this journey, all control was taken from me. I had to learn to live a new life with none of the resources that I had always had. I had to start over from what I call rock bottom. This is what was required of me to become 100% dependent on my Lord. Over and over, I would come to a place that I needed something, and the Lord always provided. Whether that need was physical or spiritual, it was always there waiting for me. Through a kind word from a friend, a sweet prayer whispered for me, or simply the strength to make it through some of the hardest situations in my life. God was there and God was providing.
The journey isn't done. If fact, it is shifting into other directions. But, today, I just wanted to share in my victory over my addiction. Share with my faithful friends just how far God has brought with me. Join with me in giving him ALL the praise. He is the one that has been my Great Provider all of these months. Glory to him for the work he has done in me!
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
Started at 306 pounds and now 198(108 pounds lost)
Started in a size 24 pant and now in a size 14!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Accepting the "No"
After another month of missed period and negative preganacy test, I am finally to the point of being done. I finally understand that God's answer to Bryan's and my prayers is in fact, "NO". God is not going to give us another child. We have decided to stop trying. I can't handle the roller coaster anymore.
It is evident in all the failed attempts, that it is not God's will for our lives. We are meant to be a family of three. I can't believe it has taken me 5 years to get here, but at least I am here now.
It isn't easy to accept this answer. I have been crying my eyes out all morning long. (It didn't help that the well meaning dental hygentist asked if we wanted more children and I almost lost it in the chair). But, God will bring us through this.
I just would like to ask for some prayers. Pray that God will heal the heartbreak. That we will continue to be reminded of the amazing blessing that Eleanor is in our life. Pray for that sweet Eleanor that wants a sibling so bad. Pray that we will have the words to explain that it is not going to happen. Pray that one day we will understand why the answer had to be "No". That one day we will understand why the blessing was withheld.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6
God has his reasons even if we don't understand them. It is time to move on.
It is evident in all the failed attempts, that it is not God's will for our lives. We are meant to be a family of three. I can't believe it has taken me 5 years to get here, but at least I am here now.
It isn't easy to accept this answer. I have been crying my eyes out all morning long. (It didn't help that the well meaning dental hygentist asked if we wanted more children and I almost lost it in the chair). But, God will bring us through this.
I just would like to ask for some prayers. Pray that God will heal the heartbreak. That we will continue to be reminded of the amazing blessing that Eleanor is in our life. Pray for that sweet Eleanor that wants a sibling so bad. Pray that we will have the words to explain that it is not going to happen. Pray that one day we will understand why the answer had to be "No". That one day we will understand why the blessing was withheld.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6
God has his reasons even if we don't understand them. It is time to move on.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Deliverer
Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:24
I stumbled across this verse just now. I was preparing some scripture on note cards so that I can memorize them. It is a list of scriptures that declares our victory in Christ. This scripture left me in tears and audibly praising my Savior. I couldn't keep it in. Thank goodness, no one is home but me.
This scripture describes my life and my journey. When I reflect back on where I was almost a year ago, I remember feeling like I had been given a death sentence. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lose the weight. The defeat was overwhelming and I fell into a depression. I didn't know what else to do. Didn't know how I was ever going to get healthy.
It was in the darkness of that depression, that God impressed upon my soul that I was never going to do it in my own power. The key to my never ending defeat was that I was trying to do it on my own. I believe God brought me to rock bottom to make me rely on him. I started understanding that only through Christ was I going to gain victory.
So, I committed my life and my body to Christ. I committed to daily face my addiction and to ask for God's strength to fight the battle. With that commitment has come deliverance. Oh, what a long, hard road it has been, but my God has proven himself faithful day after day. He always gives me the strength to make it through the day. Sometimes it is just enough strength to make it through the moment. But, he is always there.
I have come to rely on him in a way that I never thought possible. It is a daily choice to allow him to be my strength. To allow him to be my rock. To allow him to deliver me on a daily basis from my flesh and my sin. Like the verses above state, I have set my hope that he will continue to deliver me. Without him in control of my life, I will surely fail. With him in control, I will continue to be victorious! With that, I cry out to him. Praise be to the Lord my Savior! HE IS MY DELIVERER!
I stumbled across this verse just now. I was preparing some scripture on note cards so that I can memorize them. It is a list of scriptures that declares our victory in Christ. This scripture left me in tears and audibly praising my Savior. I couldn't keep it in. Thank goodness, no one is home but me.
This scripture describes my life and my journey. When I reflect back on where I was almost a year ago, I remember feeling like I had been given a death sentence. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lose the weight. The defeat was overwhelming and I fell into a depression. I didn't know what else to do. Didn't know how I was ever going to get healthy.
It was in the darkness of that depression, that God impressed upon my soul that I was never going to do it in my own power. The key to my never ending defeat was that I was trying to do it on my own. I believe God brought me to rock bottom to make me rely on him. I started understanding that only through Christ was I going to gain victory.
So, I committed my life and my body to Christ. I committed to daily face my addiction and to ask for God's strength to fight the battle. With that commitment has come deliverance. Oh, what a long, hard road it has been, but my God has proven himself faithful day after day. He always gives me the strength to make it through the day. Sometimes it is just enough strength to make it through the moment. But, he is always there.
I have come to rely on him in a way that I never thought possible. It is a daily choice to allow him to be my strength. To allow him to be my rock. To allow him to deliver me on a daily basis from my flesh and my sin. Like the verses above state, I have set my hope that he will continue to deliver me. Without him in control of my life, I will surely fail. With him in control, I will continue to be victorious! With that, I cry out to him. Praise be to the Lord my Savior! HE IS MY DELIVERER!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Naysayers and Critics
Throughout this journey, there have been multiple times that people have taken opportunities to point out my flaws, my imperfections, and my shortcomings. Each time, they say things to me like "well, you put yourself out there and share it all with the world" or "you just go around acting all godly" and even "your the one writing the Christian blog". It is as if because I am sharing what God is teaching me and how he is molding me, pruning me, and disciplining me, that they believe they have a right to knock me down when I do not live up to their standards.
Today, I was reminded through a Mandissa song(I know you are probably tired of hearing her songs!) that there is only one opinion that matters. There is only one definition of me. That is God's opinion. It really only matters what he thinks of me. Whether that definition is what I look like or how people think I should act. Only one opinion matters.
Today, I was reminded through a Mandissa song(I know you are probably tired of hearing her songs!) that there is only one opinion that matters. There is only one definition of me. That is God's opinion. It really only matters what he thinks of me. Whether that definition is what I look like or how people think I should act. Only one opinion matters.
Definition of Me
Everybody's got an opinion
Of what they want me to be
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet
So tired of looking in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I want to be about something different
Something more than the mirror can see
Like joy, peace
Alive in me
When it comes to my identity
Chorus:
I want the love
I want the light
I want the beauty
On the inside
I want the one that you can't see
To be the definition of me
More than the face
More than the girl
More than the voice
More than the world
I want the truth that I believe
To be the definition of me
Pretty is cool for a minute
But it always fades away
Trends are hot for a second
They'll be gone the very next day
So before you get lost in the moment
Let’s get one thing clear
Only love will last forever
That's the reason that we're here
It's up to you ‘cause everybody's looking
Who do you want them to see?
Of what they want me to be
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet
So tired of looking in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I want to be about something different
Something more than the mirror can see
Like joy, peace
Alive in me
When it comes to my identity
Chorus:
I want the love
I want the light
I want the beauty
On the inside
I want the one that you can't see
To be the definition of me
More than the face
More than the girl
More than the voice
More than the world
I want the truth that I believe
To be the definition of me
Pretty is cool for a minute
But it always fades away
Trends are hot for a second
They'll be gone the very next day
So before you get lost in the moment
Let’s get one thing clear
Only love will last forever
That's the reason that we're here
It's up to you ‘cause everybody's looking
Who do you want them to see?
I want to be the girl that people see Jesus through. I love and cherish all the comments about my weight loss. It a boost of confidence that is much needed sometimes. But more than anything, I want people to see the beauty that is inside. I want that to make more of an impact than skinny jeans.
With all that said, I have never, ever claimed to have it all together. I am a sinner. A stinky filthy sinner. So, just because I am posting on this blog or on Facebook about what I am learning, doesn't mean that I am an expert. I have never claimed to be. All I have ever done is write about my personal journey. I try very hard not to tell anyone else what there journey should be. It will always be different than mine. So for the naysayers and critics, I am sorry if I do not measure up to your standards. I never will, because I will never be anything more than a sinner trying to live the best life I can for my Lord. I will probably never get it right, but each day I will try. Maybe, each day that inner beauty will shine through more and more. Eventually, I want that to be the beauty that people see in me.
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