Plateau

I have hit my first plateau.  Now, I know this is not so bad.  It is the first one in nine months.  In fact, it is incredible that it hasn't happened before now.  That doesn't mean that it doesn't knock a little air out of you when it happens.  Now, nine months ago it would have devestated me.  Today, it just refocuses me.  Makes me turn inward and upward to try and figure out what is going on.
I have evaluated my eating habits in the last month and discovered that I am eating more now that I am feeling better from my gallbladder being removed.  I no longer feel sick every time I eat, so I am consuming more food than I was previously eating.  So, I can adjust that in hopes that it will kick start my weight loss again.
I also look upward to see what God is wanting to teach me.  It all comes down to faith.  One little word that carries such weight.  I have been struggling with faith lately.  Not having faith that God is going to see me all the way through this.  Not having faith, that God will grant the desires of my heart.  Not having faith that God will even answer prayers in general.  So, really, I have a faith issue, not a weight issue. 
It is not a coincidence that my scripture reading today was the "faith chapter" in Hebrews.  Hebrews 11 lists example after example of people that had faith in God.  Faith even when they weren't sure of their circumstances.  Faith even when it didn't make sense to do what God was asking of them.  Faith even when they didn't see the promises of God fulfilled within their lifetime.  Simple faith. 
Only, it doesn't seem so simple to me. I find myself doubting God's commitment to me.  Doubting that it could be true that the Lord would take me all the way.  But where, my friend, does doubt come from?  Satan.  Believe me when I say, he has pledged a war against me and right now, he is winning.  He has found a way to make me focus on the negatives.  So much so, that no matter how many times I am told what a great job I am doing or how many times I stop to see how far God has brought me, I am always brought back to the negative.  There is Satan's voice in my ear telling me "You will not be victorious over this.  You will fail just like you always do."  I am sad to say, that most of the time I believe it. 
Now, here is what I am going to do.  I am going to defeat Satan with the truth.  Truth of who God is and what God says.  Satan can not stand when faced with the truth.  These are my truths.
1.  God is faithful to complete what he has started.  Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6
2.  God does not lie.  ...it is impossible for God to lie...Hebrews 6:18
3.  God will reward the faithful.  So I have to stand firm, keep the faith and persevere.  Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... Hebrews 12:1-2a 
Maybe, just maybe, one day I will be an example of how everything is possible for him who believes.  Mark 9:23

Non Scale Victories (NSV)

There is a forum that I like to read that is just for people that have Vertical Sleeves.  On that forum, there are posts that are made about Non-Scale Victories.  It is something that has been bumping around in my head.  I feel that so many times all the focus is on the number on the scale and not on all the different things that come along with weight loss or living a healthier lifestyle.  So today, I have decided to list some of my NSVs.

*I can fit into the seats at church without metal digging into my thighs
*I can climb a set of stairs without being winded
*I bought a belt for the first time in 15 years
* I no longer have to buy Plus Size clothing
* I will not have to ask for a seat belt extender on airplanes the next time I fly
* I fit into a pair of Levi jeans
* My belly doesn't touch the table of a restaurant booth anymore
* My blood pressure is normal and my triglycerides are now just borderline high
* I don't feel uncomfortable in a movie theater seat.  I don't feel like I am intruding in my neighbor's space.
* My PCOS symptoms are decreasing
* I can no longer tolerate foods with lots of preservatives(lunch meat, tv dinners, etc)
* I have made it through almost a year of parties without giving into temptation
* I can snuggle with Eleanor without my belly getting in the way
* I have become a positive role model for my daughter.  I am practicing what I am preaching.
* I can finally see my feet!

There are so many more things that I could list, but I think you get the point.  Sometimes we have to change our perspective.  I know that none of the above could have been possible if I hadn't kept my eyes on the Lord and trusted in him to get me through this.  Now that the end of the weight loss is in sight, I get to begin to switch my perspective to how I will live the rest of my life.  Lord willing, it is going to be many years of fun, active, and healthy experiences with my friends and family!

How Many Times

"Eleanor, I need you to eat something."  "Eleanor, eat your Fruit Loops."  "Eleanor, do not disobey me. I said eat your breakfast."  After 20 minutes of comments like these I was angry.  It wasn't like I was asking her to do something just because.  We normally don't push breakfast(because Eleanor just doesn't seem to be able to eat first thing in the morning).  But, this morning, I knew it was important.  I knew that because she is on an antibiotic that she could end up having an accident at school that could cause her embarrassment.  I wanted to save her from that.  Mommy knew best in this case.  Active disobedience from my child is something that pushes me over the edge every time.  So what did I do?  I yelled, stomped my foot and even slammed my fist down and I caused my child to cry out in fear.  
I was convicted of my reaction.  I asked God for forgiveness and then asked Eleanor to forgive me for losing my temper.  Then off to school she went.
Then, as I sat down for my quiet time, both my devotion and my daily bible reading had the same verse in them.  I mean, how did Lysa Terkeurst know that I would be reading Hebrews at the same time I was reading her devotion!  Oh wait, that was probably a God thing, huh?
Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:16

It wasn't ten minutes later that I was screaming, stomping, and throwing a bag of cheese across the kitchen because Bryan had made me angry.  As I took a few minutes alone in Mommy time out, I began to realize that I had just done the same thing again.  Lost my temper.  So again I went to God and Bryan and asked for forgiveness.
It made me stop and think.  Does God ever get tired of doling out grace?  I mean, shouldn't I have learned my lesson after the first explosion this morning?  How many more times in my life is God going to have to forgive me for my temper?  Does he ever want to shake me and tell me that enough is enough?  Does he want to throw his hands up and say, "Mary, I just can't forgive you this time.  You have done it one too many times!"?
Then, I am reminded that God's grace covers all my sins.  Not just the first few times that I fail, but every time I fail.  That is how much he loves me.  So, now I find peace in knowing that I can't fall out of God's grace.  It gives me the strength and the courage to get up and dust myself off.  To ask for his guidance.  To ask him to change my character in a way that will glorify him more.   Here is to hoping that the next time my temper threatens to flare, that God will have taught me a better way to handle the situation.

P.S. For those that are wondering, the bag of cheese was closed.  There was no cheese lost in the midst of the tantrum.  Yes, I know some of you were thinking it!

Unsettled

Before I get to my 8 month post op update, I want to share with you all what has been going on with me this week.  I have hit many milestones in the last few weeks.  I have bought a belt for the first time in over 15 years.  I have officially left the plus size clothing world.  I am so close to losing 100 pounds that I can taste the victory.  I put on an outfit that stopped my husband dead in his tracks.  So, shouldn't I be jumping for joy.  Shouldn't I be so excited that all my dreams are finally coming to pass.  I am within 30 pounds of hitting my personal weight goal.  But, I am unsettled.
I have been dealing with some very negative inner monologue in the last couple of weeks.  Horrible thoughts about the way that I look with no clothes on.  Self depreciating thoughts about this blog.  Wondering why I even do it.  Asking myself if everyone is completely sick of hearing about my journey.  Over and over in my mind, I have started to believe lies about myself.  Lies that Satan is planting into my soul.
Today, I was reminded in two ways that God is working.  I was reminded that this blog is important by a dear friend's email.  An encouragement and confirmation that I am doing what God wants me to do that came at the exact moment that I needed it.  For that friend, I say "Thank you!".  Thank you for following God's prompting in writing that email.  For at the moment I received it, I was sitting on the couch listening to the lies and debating whether or not to even get on the computer and type this blog.
Another reminder came from the Made to Crave Devotional.  Today's devotional was a reminder that success does not come from what size clothes that you fit into or the number on the scale, but it comes from the peace that you feel inside.  It made me realize that peace is what I have been missing.  It allowed me to cry out to my Lord to fill me with the peace that only he can give.  A peace that will settle my soul. 
It brought me back to the reality that it doesn't matter how much I lost on the scale this week(which wasn't what I had hoped for). 
So, thank you all who have encouraged me along the way.  God always sends someone when I need it the most to encourage me to keep going, keep striving towards my goal.  But, to also remind me that my goal is not a number on the scale, but to find and keep the peace that living free from an addiction can give me.  A peace that I can only gain through Christ. 
Alright, now onto where I am with my weight loss.  I have lost 95 pounds and 57 inches.  I have had to switch to a shirt in the pictures because the lose skin in more than anyone would want to see on my belly and thighs(No wonder they duct tape the Biggest Loser contestants' tummies and legs for the finale!). 

 Oh, and I realized that these outfits were similar.  Thought it was crazy the difference!

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted.  Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world.  Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you. "  Isaiah 12:4-6

Sacrifice

This morning as I held Eleanor and read to her the story of Abraham and Issac, I could not help the tears from falling.  Her warm body pressed against mine, I was reminded of the love that one has for their children.  How in the world did Abraham trust God enough to do what he did?  He was prepared to kill his only child because the Lord told him to do it.  Imagine yourself strapping down your child to an altar.  Their trust in you is so great that they don't question what you are doing.  Having their eyes look into yours as you raise the knife to slaughter the thing that is the most precious gift that you have ever received.  It rocked me to my core.
Then it took me to the place of indescribable joy.  Because, my friend, God did that for me.  He did that for you.  He slaughtered his child for us.  He gave Jesus over to this world because he loves you and me that much.
The reality of that gift is so real in my heart today.  How dare I ever question how much my Lord cares for me.  How dare I ever wonder if he is even listening to my prayers.  He gave me a sacrificial gift that says it all. 
Jesus on the cross for me.   God turning his back on his lovely son because of my dirty, rotten sin.  Can you imagine that anguish that it caused him to have to watch that?  To have to look into the eyes of his ever trusting son and listen to his cries and do nothing.  My friend, that is how much God loves you!  Does it rock your core too?  It should!

Late Night Wake Up Call

Last night I had a pruning session with my Lord.  I don't know about you, but it seems that when God has work to do on me, it is usually in the wee hours of the morning.  Maybe it is because it is the only time when I am truly still, quiet and not able to "get away" from the painful process.
It is during this session that the Lord decided to take a hold of those roots of bitterness sprouting around my tree and the shoots of an angry and disgruntled spirit growing from my trunk and deal with them. 
You see, I am in a situation that I have been growing more and more unhappy with by the day.  A situation that I have wanted to just walk away from for some time.  It has become something that I loath to have to even think about, much less put myself into each and every week.  Slowly anger, bitterness, and frustration have built in a place that once produced joy and happiness.  I have not been able to find the answer to the solution.  Do I walk away?  Do I let my feeling be made known, even though they will be cast aside?  Do I sit by and do nothing? 
Last night, after much wrestling with God, I have made a step in the right direction.  I have begun to pray this simple prayer.  "Lord, change me, change the situation, or move me on."  I have come to realize that it is not always the answer to pack up your bags and dust your shoes off at the door(even though that is my instinct).  It may be the answer in this case, but I am going to allow the Lord to make that decision.  I am aware that it may be the decision to make a change in my heart and I am open for that change.  It just feels good to take the weight off of my shoulders and realize that I don't have to find the solution.  God knows the outcome and he will be the one to make it for me. 
So, after a very sleepless night, I can now say that I am left a little sore from conviction, but I have peace that my God is in control.