Silent Trial

I want to write about something today that I am not very comfortable with.  It is a topic that God has been prompting me to share, but I have been very resistant.  I am hesitant simply because I do not want to cause anyone discomfort.  I don't want for people to feel uncomfortable around me or to question my sincerity.  But, none the less, God is urging me to share one of my most personal and difficult struggles with you all. Why?  I don't know.  I can't for the life of me see a reason why anyone would have to know.  In fact, it has nothing to do with weight loss, so bare with me. 
Bryan and I struggle with infertility.  I know you may be thinking, but you don't have infertility.  You already have a daughter. Eleanor was a miracle.  She wasn't supposed to happen.  And yes, we count that blessing every day.  Yes, we know it is more than some have been blessed with.  But, please don't discount our struggle to have another child.  It is still our desire to have another child. 
The question we are often asked is, "Are you guys going to have another child?"  An innocent enough question, but, oh, how it nearly rips my heart out every time. That question never gets easier to hear.  The struggle of trying for 5 years for a second child is brought to the surface and each time I have to fight to keep the emotions down.
Then the news of others expecting and delivering children is always hard.  The pregnancy talk that naturally occurs at play dates and socials is sometimes more than I can bare.  Now, please don't misunderstand me.  I am truly overjoyed when someone else receives this blessing.  There is no malice or ill feelings for the one that is pregnant.  It is simply another reminder of what we have not received.  So, the conflict is within my soul.  It is never a feeling of how I feel about another person. 
I think that very few can relate to the roller coaster of emotions that go along with infertility.  Every month you are faced with the hope of what may be.  Then it is always brought to a close with feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness.  Month after month.  Year after year.  Always questioning never understanding.  A silent battle that the infertile face in the alone moments.  Very rarely speaking about it.  Not knowing how to balance it in a world where there is always a reminder of what God has seen fit to withhold from you.
At times I find my self thinking that I must being doing something wrong.  That God is somehow punishing me for something.  The questions I often ask is "What is wrong with me?  Why won't God give us the desire of our hearts?"  I have prayed many times over that God would simply take the desire away. 
Through the last 5 years, Bryan and I have found a contentment with what we have.  It was a long road to get there, but we know that we have been blessed and actually enjoy our little family of 3.  We gave myself a year off from trying.  It has been a very peaceful 9 months.  But, now is the time to start trying to get my body ready to conceive again.  Medicines have begun and with that have come the emotions that go along with trying to conceive.  Emotions that I have not had in awhile.  Emotions that you never learn how to control.
Again, I have no idea why God feels it is necessary for me to share this with you all.  Maybe it will be a reminder for those that are blessed so easily with children, not to take it for granted.  Maybe there is someone out there that is longing for a different kind of blessing and never receiving.  Maybe it is to bring awareness of those that are silently suffering with infertility.  You know, the ones that are smiling on the outside and their heart is breaking on the inside every time they see a pregnant woman walk down the street. 
I do know that God is with me every step of the way.  I already see his hand in why he said no for so long.  He needed to take me on this journey of weight loss and I would never have gone there had I received my blessing.  But, now I fear and have trouble having faith that the answer will ever be yes.  All I can do is pray as Hannah prayed.  Pray in the hopes that one day, I will hold another child in my arms and receive my blessing.  And on that day, be able to give all the glory to the God from whom all blessing flow.