I have been struggling to get a grasp on the love that God has for me. To be honest, I have not been able to see God as a good God. I have been focused on the God that puts us through trails and teaches us lessons. Always disciplining. Now, I know he disciplines because he loves us. But, to see God as one who loves us and wants to bless us, that has been hard for me.
Today, I was reminded I am a child of God. That I am a heir. The Spirit himself testifies without spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17
I have been thinking about this verse all morning. That I am a child of God. He loves me more than I can even comprehend. Then while I was on the treadmill, I was listening to this song by Mandissa.
What an amazing song. It reminded me just how much God loves me. How big a gift grace is.
Then, for some reason, I was reminded of a conversation that Bryan and I had when I was pregnant with Eleanor. I told him if anything were to happen and the doctors could only save one of us, to save the baby. No matter how hard it would be for him, that my love for that child was so great, that I would give my life to save him/her. It was a heart wrenching conversation, but one that showed how great a parent's love is for a child. Today, I was reminded that this is just a human love. How much greater then, is God's love for me? Look at what he sacrifced for an undeserving sinner like me.
What a wonderful reminder of what that cross is all about. Undescribable love that God has for me, yes me!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Raw
I need my scale. I am a wreck. I don't feel like I have lost any weight in forever. I am know I haven't lost any inches in almost 2 months. I am scared to death that I have gained weight. I don't have any way to measure how I am doing. This the longest 40 days. I really don't know why I am putting myself through this. What if I have gained weight? Even worse, what if I still haven't lost anything at the end of this? That would mean that I haven't lost any weight in 3 months. I hit 100 pounds and then NOTHING!
This is a moment of raw emotions. I know that Bryan is tired of having this conversation with me over and over, so I am putting it out there into cyberspace.
When will I ever feel successful? When will I ever reach my goal? It seems so far away. Oh, I just need my scale! Isn't it crazy to be crying over a scale. Crying because I can't weigh myself. Crying because I need that validation the number that scale holds.
I feel anxious and nervous inside. It is taking everything I have not to destroy this house in the search of stupid machine. How long until Easter? I am scared to count the days. I am more scared to think about stepping on that scale after all this time. Tell me why this was a good idea? Ugh......
This is a moment of raw emotions. I know that Bryan is tired of having this conversation with me over and over, so I am putting it out there into cyberspace.
When will I ever feel successful? When will I ever reach my goal? It seems so far away. Oh, I just need my scale! Isn't it crazy to be crying over a scale. Crying because I can't weigh myself. Crying because I need that validation the number that scale holds.
I feel anxious and nervous inside. It is taking everything I have not to destroy this house in the search of stupid machine. How long until Easter? I am scared to count the days. I am more scared to think about stepping on that scale after all this time. Tell me why this was a good idea? Ugh......
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The Old and the New
While I was on vacation in Monterey, CA this week, I discovered a few things about myself. It was an eye opening experience for me. A vacation that was unlike any that I have ever taken. I realized it was because I am a different person. I have a completely different outlook on what a vacation means. For once, a vacation wasn't centered around food. There was no "I am on vacation and I can eat what I want" mentality. It was business as usual in the food department. I made my main focus on keeping myself fueled. That meant lots of protein. I even went to the store and bought food for me to snack on. That way I would not be tempted to grab something while I was out. All it took was a little planning. Now, I was tempted. Oh, that Nestle Toll House cookie shop was my nemesis. The glorious smell wafting from the doorway. Also, the Parisian bakery that had a store front window filled with endless treats may just have some drool marks left on it by me. But, God was good. He made me powerful enough to walk away. I did allow myself a bite of Bryan's dessert one evening and it was way too rich and sweet. It was more than I even wanted and actually I didn't enjoy it at all!
So, I came away from a week of vacation with no guilt and no remorse from the choices that I had made. This is a far change from a person that would be so gluttonous in the past that I would come home 8 pounds heavier from a single trip!
I discovered something else I was away. I discovered the old me. A "me" that some of you have known in the past, but many have never met. Even Bryan had never met this "me". I found the part of me that loves the outdoors. That loves to hike and explore. The side of me that was forced into hiding first because of a back injury and then because of the weight that I put on after that. Bryan had heard stories of my the good ol' days of hiking and backpacking. He had even seen the camping equipment, the backpacking gear, and the $300 pair of hiking boots, but he could not imagine me ever doing it.
As Bryan and I explored the coast, my heart started to sing for joy. It was so glorious to be out in nature. To be climbing the cliffs and hiking the trails. Seeing sights that you can't see from the road. This is when I finally felt alive. I finally felt happy. To be with my love and doing something that I love with him was more than one little heart to contain.
It is all worth it. Everything that I have been through in the last months. All the trials and hardships have been completely worth it. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to go through them and thank you for bringing me out of them. Thank you for this body that you have given me that can finally function the way that you designed it. Thank you for the creation of this earth and that I can finally explore it again. The peace and blessings that are found in nature can once again be experienced by me. Oh, happy day!
So, I came away from a week of vacation with no guilt and no remorse from the choices that I had made. This is a far change from a person that would be so gluttonous in the past that I would come home 8 pounds heavier from a single trip!
I discovered something else I was away. I discovered the old me. A "me" that some of you have known in the past, but many have never met. Even Bryan had never met this "me". I found the part of me that loves the outdoors. That loves to hike and explore. The side of me that was forced into hiding first because of a back injury and then because of the weight that I put on after that. Bryan had heard stories of my the good ol' days of hiking and backpacking. He had even seen the camping equipment, the backpacking gear, and the $300 pair of hiking boots, but he could not imagine me ever doing it.
It is all worth it. Everything that I have been through in the last months. All the trials and hardships have been completely worth it. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to go through them and thank you for bringing me out of them. Thank you for this body that you have given me that can finally function the way that you designed it. Thank you for the creation of this earth and that I can finally explore it again. The peace and blessings that are found in nature can once again be experienced by me. Oh, happy day!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Acting Like an Isrealite
I had an epiphany in the car this morning. I am acting like an Israelite. I have forgot my past and all that God has done for me and I have started grumbling and complaining because he isn't doing what I think he is supposed to do. When I told Bryan this, he actually laughed out loud and strongly agreed with me!
For the last few weeks I have been very frustrated that the scale is not moving. In fact, last week, I went to the doctor and did look at the scale and I had gained a pound. Total frustration! I am doing everything right. I am eating my protein. I am exercising regularly. I am getting my fluids in. It makes me want to scream! I am so close. Only 25 more pounds to go and I am stuck with a capital "S".
Because these last 6 weeks have been so rough, I have become increasingly more negative about everything. Bryan has commented in the last few days how everything out of my mouth is negative.
So this morning, it hit me. I am mimicking an Israelite. God had freed them from captivity. He has done miraculous things for them. He had promised them victory and the glorious promise land. At first they were overwhelmed and grateful. Then over time, when things weren't going their way, they started grumbling. The got mad and they pitched fits all because God wasn't doing what he said he was going to do. The more they grumbled, the longer that wandered around in that desert! Sometimes that wandering would take them so very close to the promise land, but never close enough to enter. God wanted them to remember who was in control and who knew what was best.
Oh my goodness, that is exactly what I am doing. I am sitting around and stomping my foot because I am not losing the weight on my timetable. I am grumbling and focusing on all the negative things. I am getting angry at God because I am doing everything he has asked of me and yet that stupid little number on the scale is not moving! I have decided not to focus on what God has already done for me and what he has promised he will accomplish through me. I have instead focused on my current circumstance. Not understanding why God would have me stuck here so close to the goal that he has promised me.
Hmmm....maybe I need to stop grumbling and instead remember who is in control. God has promised me that I will be victorious. I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus. I have to remember that God isn't in the business of failure, if he is the one in charge. He will get me to my goal. He will help me obtain victory. But, it will be in his time and in his way. So, I need to stop pitching my fits, change my attitude, and press on toward the goal!
For the last few weeks I have been very frustrated that the scale is not moving. In fact, last week, I went to the doctor and did look at the scale and I had gained a pound. Total frustration! I am doing everything right. I am eating my protein. I am exercising regularly. I am getting my fluids in. It makes me want to scream! I am so close. Only 25 more pounds to go and I am stuck with a capital "S".
Because these last 6 weeks have been so rough, I have become increasingly more negative about everything. Bryan has commented in the last few days how everything out of my mouth is negative.
So this morning, it hit me. I am mimicking an Israelite. God had freed them from captivity. He has done miraculous things for them. He had promised them victory and the glorious promise land. At first they were overwhelmed and grateful. Then over time, when things weren't going their way, they started grumbling. The got mad and they pitched fits all because God wasn't doing what he said he was going to do. The more they grumbled, the longer that wandered around in that desert! Sometimes that wandering would take them so very close to the promise land, but never close enough to enter. God wanted them to remember who was in control and who knew what was best.
Oh my goodness, that is exactly what I am doing. I am sitting around and stomping my foot because I am not losing the weight on my timetable. I am grumbling and focusing on all the negative things. I am getting angry at God because I am doing everything he has asked of me and yet that stupid little number on the scale is not moving! I have decided not to focus on what God has already done for me and what he has promised he will accomplish through me. I have instead focused on my current circumstance. Not understanding why God would have me stuck here so close to the goal that he has promised me.
Hmmm....maybe I need to stop grumbling and instead remember who is in control. God has promised me that I will be victorious. I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus. I have to remember that God isn't in the business of failure, if he is the one in charge. He will get me to my goal. He will help me obtain victory. But, it will be in his time and in his way. So, I need to stop pitching my fits, change my attitude, and press on toward the goal!
Monday, March 5, 2012
For You
This blog is for you today. It isn't about me, but about you. That stronghold that Satan has on you needs to be broken. God is waiting, arm stretched out, to pull you from the mud and mire. God wants to help you discover the freedom that he has already given you if you are his child. Freedom is a step away. But, you have to start today. Please don't wait for tomorrow. Please allow God to do great work in you.
The battle is not an easy one. At times it feels like you will never make it through, but you can do it. Step by step and day by day, you will discover what grace is about and what freedom feels like. Listen to this song. Absorb it. It is written for you, my friend.
The battle is not an easy one. At times it feels like you will never make it through, but you can do it. Step by step and day by day, you will discover what grace is about and what freedom feels like. Listen to this song. Absorb it. It is written for you, my friend.
For those of you that have taken the courage to step into the battle, I am praying for you. I am proud of you. Believe me when I say that the freedom and peace that you find at the end is so much better than anything that you are clinging to right now. Keep striving. Keep trusting. Keep believing that God will give you enough strength to make it through.
I pray that all of you, no matter where you are in your battle for freedom, know that I am here to support you and to encourage you. I am only a phone call or a email away. Please do not hesitate to reach out. Sometimes that is the hardest part, but it is always better to have someone in the battle with you. Remember, Christ has set you free and you are free indeed!
If you need some motivation and encouragement through song, check out Mandissa's album What if We Were Real. The whole album is AMAZING! (Thanks to my friends that recommended it to me. It has been a source of inspiration during those dreaded times at the gym!)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
You Are Dead to Me!
Wow, I had a life changing moment this morning in church. It was one of those sermons that was meant just for me. The sermon was on Romans 6. It was about being dead to sin and alive in Christ. The first part of the sermon I just wanted to stand up and shout "Amen". It was a reminder of my journey. How one day I realized that I was living in my sin. I was letting my addiction of food be my lord and master. I was a slave to it. I was going against what Paul was telling us. Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desire. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin as intsruments of wickedness.... Romans 6:12 I was convicted that I was doing this. I was letting it reign and I gave myself over to my Lord to help me break the stronghold. Since then, I have become stronger each day. Each day, I have faced my addiction and let the Lord break it.
It wasn't too long ago that I began realizing that my addiction didn't have a stronghold on me anymore. It was evident through little things. I no longer become angry or hurt when I am not able to eat cake at a birthday party. It doesn't phase me to turn down desserts. I don't think twice about my small portions anymore. I no longer feel deprived with my meager 1/2 cup of food. Instead, I feel satisfied and complete. But with this realization, came the fear. Fear that my addiction would overcome me again. Fear that I would not be able to maintain my weight. That somehow, the surgery would be for naught.
This is where I was this morning. Sitting and listening to the sermon and living with fear. That is when God spoke to me and made me realize that my addiction is dead to me. It died with Christ on the cross and because of that I AM FREE!. Oh, sweet joy!! The stronghold is broken and I can stand firm in the knowledge that I am no longer a slave to my addiction. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:14
There is one action that I must do daily to remain in this freedom. It is going to be the most important action that will lead to my success. It is the second part of Romans 6:12. ...rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. I must turn the parts of my body that were once used for sin and offer them DAILY to Christ. Not only my mouth and my stomach, but all parts of my body. This, my friend, is my new action plan. With this, all things are possible. Why? Because, God will be in control of all of me and when I stumble, I will be reminded that I am free. I can look sin and temptation in the face and say, "You are dead to me!". That alone gives me the courage to face each day! That alone strikes the fear out of my soul! Thank you, Lord, for the perfect gift of grace!
It wasn't too long ago that I began realizing that my addiction didn't have a stronghold on me anymore. It was evident through little things. I no longer become angry or hurt when I am not able to eat cake at a birthday party. It doesn't phase me to turn down desserts. I don't think twice about my small portions anymore. I no longer feel deprived with my meager 1/2 cup of food. Instead, I feel satisfied and complete. But with this realization, came the fear. Fear that my addiction would overcome me again. Fear that I would not be able to maintain my weight. That somehow, the surgery would be for naught.
This is where I was this morning. Sitting and listening to the sermon and living with fear. That is when God spoke to me and made me realize that my addiction is dead to me. It died with Christ on the cross and because of that I AM FREE!. Oh, sweet joy!! The stronghold is broken and I can stand firm in the knowledge that I am no longer a slave to my addiction. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:14
There is one action that I must do daily to remain in this freedom. It is going to be the most important action that will lead to my success. It is the second part of Romans 6:12. ...rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. I must turn the parts of my body that were once used for sin and offer them DAILY to Christ. Not only my mouth and my stomach, but all parts of my body. This, my friend, is my new action plan. With this, all things are possible. Why? Because, God will be in control of all of me and when I stumble, I will be reminded that I am free. I can look sin and temptation in the face and say, "You are dead to me!". That alone gives me the courage to face each day! That alone strikes the fear out of my soul! Thank you, Lord, for the perfect gift of grace!
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