No Sticker Chart in Heaven

I want to start out by saying that I really don't want to write this post.  I feel like I am always an Eeyore.  I do promise you that there are happy and content days in my life.  It just always seems like I am prompted to write these posts on the bad days. 
With that said, I started out bright and early this morning dealing with envy.  Envious of blessings that other people are getting.  So, I sat quietly this morning with the Lord.  First confessing my sin of envy.  Then,  I realized that I didn't even have the words to pray.  So, I sat with my feelings.  I sat with my tears.  I sat and let the Lord do the talking.
I guess an explanation is in order, but it really is very hard for me to share.  Simply put, I just really don't understand why God will not give us another child.  So it was as I sat there this morning, that I realized that my view of blessing was skewed.  In my mind blessings come to the righteous.  Blessings come to those who seek the Lord.  Blessings come to those who have faith as small as a mustard seed.  Oh, the scripture that I could quote you that say these things.  Yet, my blessing isn't coming.  So, I assume(in my feeble human mind) that I am not righteous enough.  I am not seeking the Lord enough.  I don't have enough faith.  I am just not doing something right. 
All these feelings were swirling in my head this morning.  Then I heard the whisper into my soul. "I don't bless according to what you do.  No one is worthy of a blessing.  I bless according to my will." 
Then I had to laugh at myself because I guess I envisioned God up in heaven with a sticker chart.  If you receive 10 gold stars then you get a blessing.  A star for good prayers.  A star for faith.  A star for following my commands.  It should all add up to a blessing, right?
Nope.  That isn't how God works.  I don't understand it.  In fact, I don't understand a lot of the scripture that talks about these things.  I am struggling with the concept of why we pray at all, when God has it all figured out.  Because, in all honesty, the more I pray and ask God to give us another child, the harder the months get.  The crazier my emotions become when the answer is yet another NO.  The months add up to years and the process goes on and on.  I sometimes wonder why we even bother to try anymore.  Maybe the answer will be a forever NO. 
The bible is full of people that held on to faith even when it seemed like the Lord would never follow through.  Oh, if I could just have an ounce of what they had.  Maybe then, all of this would be a little easier. 
(Ha!  I have sat here for 30 minutes because I don't want to hit the publish button! I am trying to talk myself out of sharing this.  I think I may just be too open.  I think that there is no reason why anyone wants to know this.  Here goes nothing....)