Why did you create me this way? Why do I have to struggle with weight when others don't? I have asked the Lord these questions too many times to count. I have never understood how or why God would do this too me.
Well, I just got a big ol' slap on the hand by Paul this morning. But who are you, O Man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? Romans 9:20-21
It is not my right to question God on why he made me this way. It is my choice to except it and not to COVET those who don't have to deal with this problem. Yikes, I know....not another one of those Ten Commandments being broken! That is two for me now! And I thought I had it all under control!
God has his reasons for making me the way I am. I have to stop blaming my metabolism(which was tested and was on the high end of normal! Who would have believed it!!!). I have to stop blaming genetics. Why? God designed them both. It is what he wanted me to have.
Makes no sense to me, but most of the time God doesn't make sense in the present moment! So, I will try to thank the Lord for my body from now on. I will try to see that the struggles I am given are meant to draw me closer to God. In that aspect, maybe having weight issues is a blessing!
God gave me these flaws. May I be found worthy enough to serve him despite them!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Pushing the Limits and Breaking the Rules
I am a rule breaker at heart. This should not surprise any of you. I like to push the limits. I know it isn't right, but in the words of my 5 year old, "I just can't help it sometimes!".
Yesterday I broke the first rule of my diet. A rule that I promised both myself and my surgeon I would not do. Wanna know what it was? I skipped ahead on my diet. I had a spoonful of peanut butter. Now, the rules were clearly written out and I had at least 3 people go over these rules with me before my surgery. Each time, I said, "Oh no, I would never do that! Only crazy people would risk damaging their new stomach by doing that!". But, I did.
What brought me to do it? I can't say for sure, other than just being worn down by that voice in my head. That voice(aka Satan) kept telling me that it would be okay. It told me that I deserved it after being on next to nothing for two weeks. It told me that I was only a day and a half from being able to have it anyway. I rationalized that rule until I was able to break it without much guilt.
I would never break the BIG rules, just the LITTLE rules! I mean, it was peanut butter. I didn't kill anyone! But, isn't it the same thing? If I was an alcoholic instead of a food addict, wouldn't breaking a little rule be detrimental? Wouldn't one sip cause me to break my sobriety? That rule was put into place to make sure that my stomach does not bust open. That is a crazy thing to risk for some peanut butter!!! But I did it anyway.
Does it make it right that I did it, just because it is my nature? Well, duh..NO! So what do I do?
When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:21-25
I keep fighting the battle. I ask forgiveness for breaking the rule. Then, I set my mind on what the Lord desires of me and turn away from my sinful nature(Romans 8:5). And I praise the Lord that there is not condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus(Romans 8:1).
Weekly Weigh-in:
Starting weight:304
Weight this week: 286
Amount lost this week: 3 pound
Total Lost: 18 pounds
Praising the Lord that the scale finally started to move again! Thank you Lord, for seeing me through another week! (And for not letting my tummy spring a leak when I ate the PB!)
Yesterday I broke the first rule of my diet. A rule that I promised both myself and my surgeon I would not do. Wanna know what it was? I skipped ahead on my diet. I had a spoonful of peanut butter. Now, the rules were clearly written out and I had at least 3 people go over these rules with me before my surgery. Each time, I said, "Oh no, I would never do that! Only crazy people would risk damaging their new stomach by doing that!". But, I did.
What brought me to do it? I can't say for sure, other than just being worn down by that voice in my head. That voice(aka Satan) kept telling me that it would be okay. It told me that I deserved it after being on next to nothing for two weeks. It told me that I was only a day and a half from being able to have it anyway. I rationalized that rule until I was able to break it without much guilt.
I would never break the BIG rules, just the LITTLE rules! I mean, it was peanut butter. I didn't kill anyone! But, isn't it the same thing? If I was an alcoholic instead of a food addict, wouldn't breaking a little rule be detrimental? Wouldn't one sip cause me to break my sobriety? That rule was put into place to make sure that my stomach does not bust open. That is a crazy thing to risk for some peanut butter!!! But I did it anyway.
Does it make it right that I did it, just because it is my nature? Well, duh..NO! So what do I do?
When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:21-25
I keep fighting the battle. I ask forgiveness for breaking the rule. Then, I set my mind on what the Lord desires of me and turn away from my sinful nature(Romans 8:5). And I praise the Lord that there is not condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus(Romans 8:1).
Weekly Weigh-in:
Starting weight:304
Weight this week: 286
Amount lost this week: 3 pound
Total Lost: 18 pounds
Praising the Lord that the scale finally started to move again! Thank you Lord, for seeing me through another week! (And for not letting my tummy spring a leak when I ate the PB!)
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friends are Friends Forever
Do you remember the song by Michael W. Smith, "Friends are Friends Forever"? Today I want to talk about friends. Now, I don't agree with M.W.S. on this one. I believe there is an ebb and flow in all friendships and some even come to an end. But, I do believe that friends are placed in our lives for certain reasons and for certain seasons. I have had friends that have helped me through single life, engaged life, and even pregnancy. Are they all still my friends? Most of them are, but maybe not to the extent as they were during those times of my life. Is this a bad thing? I don't think so. I still love them and care about them as much as before. But, I have also had friends that I have had to say good-bye to because the relationships were toxic to me. I guess the point I am try to make is, that God is going to place people in my life that are going to help me through the situation that today presents. Satan, on the other hand is going to try to place poisonous relationships in my path, to keep me heading down the wrong path. It is up to me to make the decision of what friendships are beneficial and which are not!
I have really started to realize the many blessings that I have in the "good friend" category. Luckily, I haven't had to end any relationships because of my addiction(yet). Will I in the future? Who knows! I sure hope not. But, I have to be willing to do just this, if someone comes along and is not supportive of my journey and my convictions.
Today, I just want to say a giant thank you to all of you that have prayed for me, sent encouraging words and scriptures to me, and have just been around to cheer me up in the last two weeks. Do you realize how much God has used you in my life? Do you realize how these simple things are the things that have gotten me through two of the hardest weeks of my life? I pray that God will unfold his blessings on each and every one of you!
But, I also urge you to keep lifting me up! The fight is far from over. In turn, I am also lifting each of you up daily. You see, I know that each journey is difficult. I want you to know, that I am going to be your biggest cheerleader!
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12
Friends, we HAVE to have each others back in this battle. We can't do this on our own. Don't be scared to share with people what you are going through! How else do you think God is going to minister to you? Let God bless you with supportive friendships, so in turn, you can bless others the same way.
I will leave you with a quote to dwell on:
I get by with a little help from my friends. -The Beatles
We can't do it on our own!
I have really started to realize the many blessings that I have in the "good friend" category. Luckily, I haven't had to end any relationships because of my addiction(yet). Will I in the future? Who knows! I sure hope not. But, I have to be willing to do just this, if someone comes along and is not supportive of my journey and my convictions.
Today, I just want to say a giant thank you to all of you that have prayed for me, sent encouraging words and scriptures to me, and have just been around to cheer me up in the last two weeks. Do you realize how much God has used you in my life? Do you realize how these simple things are the things that have gotten me through two of the hardest weeks of my life? I pray that God will unfold his blessings on each and every one of you!
But, I also urge you to keep lifting me up! The fight is far from over. In turn, I am also lifting each of you up daily. You see, I know that each journey is difficult. I want you to know, that I am going to be your biggest cheerleader!
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12
Friends, we HAVE to have each others back in this battle. We can't do this on our own. Don't be scared to share with people what you are going through! How else do you think God is going to minister to you? Let God bless you with supportive friendships, so in turn, you can bless others the same way.
I will leave you with a quote to dwell on:
I get by with a little help from my friends. -The Beatles
We can't do it on our own!
Friday, May 27, 2011
In the Pit
It has been a rough couple of days in the life of Mary. First the problem of the scale issue(have actually gained 2 pounds now...), then just plain regret and depression came along. Now, I have developed Lactose Intolerance. My whole world seems to be shaken in the last 2 days.
I have been stuck in the pit. I have been struggling so much from hunger and physical fatigue, that my emotional state of mind has suffered. I have even told Bryan that I want my old stomach back(which is in the dumpster and can't be replaced)! I know, when I step back a few months from now, I will think all this was just silly, but when you are in the mud and the mire, it is pretty much all you can focus on.
So, last night I developed SEVERE stomach cramps and chills. They were so bad that I could not sleep without the help of pain medication, and even that did little more than to dull the pain. The nasty little culprit is dairy. Well, guess what my whole new diet is made of....dairy. Yogurt, pudding, cream based soups. *sigh* Per the nurse's order, I have to go back to clear liquids for a couple of days. Hello again Jello and Popsicles. It makes me want to cry just typing it!
So, I am asking you all to pray for me. I am in a VERY bad place emotionally. I am seeking God, but sometimes the despair of the situation is overwhelming.
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry, He lifted me out of the slimy pit , out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3
Dear Lord, hear my cry! Deliver me from this sadness. Help me through these circumstances. Give me a new song to sing!
I have been stuck in the pit. I have been struggling so much from hunger and physical fatigue, that my emotional state of mind has suffered. I have even told Bryan that I want my old stomach back(which is in the dumpster and can't be replaced)! I know, when I step back a few months from now, I will think all this was just silly, but when you are in the mud and the mire, it is pretty much all you can focus on.
So, last night I developed SEVERE stomach cramps and chills. They were so bad that I could not sleep without the help of pain medication, and even that did little more than to dull the pain. The nasty little culprit is dairy. Well, guess what my whole new diet is made of....dairy. Yogurt, pudding, cream based soups. *sigh* Per the nurse's order, I have to go back to clear liquids for a couple of days. Hello again Jello and Popsicles. It makes me want to cry just typing it!
So, I am asking you all to pray for me. I am in a VERY bad place emotionally. I am seeking God, but sometimes the despair of the situation is overwhelming.
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry, He lifted me out of the slimy pit , out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3
Dear Lord, hear my cry! Deliver me from this sadness. Help me through these circumstances. Give me a new song to sing!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Built Upon the Rock
This morning I got on the scale and had actually gained a pound. I have now entered into what everyone who has had a Vertical Sleeve calls "a stall". Usually it doesn't happen until week 3, but I guess my body likes to be an overachiever! Knowing what it is helps me accept it a little better. Worrying about how long it will last is a whole other story. Stalls can last anywhere from a couple of days to 3 weeks! Kind of makes it hard to stomach the pudding and face the fatigue when you are not getting tangible results.
So today, I need to focus on what we talked about yesterday some more. Bare with me!
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 4:24-27
I know that Jesus was speaking about living our life in accordance to what he has taught us. But, isn't our weight loss journey part of that life? Doesn't he care about every aspect of our lives? Yes, he does. So today, I am looking at these verses as if they are talking about my journey.
Why have my attempts at losing weight and getting healthy failed before? They were built upon the sand. They couldn't stand up against the storms of life because the cornerstone of the house was not Jesus Christ.
Why will this attempt work? Because it is built upon the rock. That rock is Jesus Christ. I will be able to weather the storms that come along during this journey. I will NOT give up hope. I will NOT throw my hands up in defeat. I WILL continue to do everything I can to glorify God through this. And that includes trusting in the process that my body is going through right now. Trusting that the weight loss will begin again. Accepting that I have no control over it(agghhh...such a hard one for me!).
Will it be easy? HECK NO! I will fight the mental fight all day, but I will fight it with scripture and prayer. I will rinse and repeat each day that the scale doesn't budge. I will cling to the Rock. All the while, doing what I know I am supposed to be doing, never faultering in my commitment.
So, away I go. Ready to battle the mental fight with Satan today. Not looking forward to it, but ready.
So today, I need to focus on what we talked about yesterday some more. Bare with me!
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 4:24-27
I know that Jesus was speaking about living our life in accordance to what he has taught us. But, isn't our weight loss journey part of that life? Doesn't he care about every aspect of our lives? Yes, he does. So today, I am looking at these verses as if they are talking about my journey.
Why have my attempts at losing weight and getting healthy failed before? They were built upon the sand. They couldn't stand up against the storms of life because the cornerstone of the house was not Jesus Christ.
Why will this attempt work? Because it is built upon the rock. That rock is Jesus Christ. I will be able to weather the storms that come along during this journey. I will NOT give up hope. I will NOT throw my hands up in defeat. I WILL continue to do everything I can to glorify God through this. And that includes trusting in the process that my body is going through right now. Trusting that the weight loss will begin again. Accepting that I have no control over it(agghhh...such a hard one for me!).
Will it be easy? HECK NO! I will fight the mental fight all day, but I will fight it with scripture and prayer. I will rinse and repeat each day that the scale doesn't budge. I will cling to the Rock. All the while, doing what I know I am supposed to be doing, never faultering in my commitment.
So, away I go. Ready to battle the mental fight with Satan today. Not looking forward to it, but ready.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Scale....Enemy Number One
This morning I got on my scale and for the first time since surgery, it had not budged. (Now, I know I have lost a significant amount of weigh this week...so don't take this as complaining and being ungrateful.) I went into panic mode. Yesterday was the day that I increase my diet to puddings, yogurt, and soups. So, I immediately went "there". Yes, my obsessive self when to the point of wanting to go back to jello! At least I was losing weight there!!! It is SO IRRATIONAL, I know. But, when it comes to the scale, are we ever rational creatures? Why do we let that little machine control our lives?
So, after Bryan talked me back down off the ledge(There really are special rewards for that man when he gets to heaven for having to deal with me!), I went to the scripture to help me deal with my fear of the scale.
Now, I was really hesitant on if I was going to find anything. I really wish there was a verse that says, "you shall not live by the numbers on the scale alone". Or at least something of that nature, but there is not. I read my chapter in Romans and got some good stuff, but nothing to help me with my struggle today. So off I went to the Psalms. I am jumping around a bunch and not really finding what I am looking for. I prayed "Lord, I need my nugget for the day! Please lead me to it!".
I have a Women's Devotions Bible and I have always thought the devotions in it were really cheesy, so I don't pay any attention to them. But, today I saw the title Delight Only in Him by Debbie Smith and I was drawn to it. Guess what, it was my nugget!
This was the verse. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of man. Psalm 147:10. Go ahead and say it...HUH????? As I read, it made sense. She was anorexic(different disease, yet the same issues of dealing with food addiction). The point she made was that God does not delight in my physical appearance, but he does delight in the condition of my heart!! PRAISE THE LORD! GOD DOESN'T CARE WHAT NUMBER IS ON THE SCALE!!
The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. Psalm 147:11
So when the scale doesn't move, it is time to do a heart check. Have I been making food and exercise decisions based on glorifying the Lord? If the answer is yes, walk away from the scale knowing that God is pleased with you!! If the answer is no, walk away from the scale determined to get back on track with the Lord.
I feel like I have just rambled today. I pray that in some sort of miracle, these words make sense to you and bless you. My hope is that we can retrain our minds not to find our acceptance in the scale, but in Christ Jesus!
So, after Bryan talked me back down off the ledge(There really are special rewards for that man when he gets to heaven for having to deal with me!), I went to the scripture to help me deal with my fear of the scale.
Now, I was really hesitant on if I was going to find anything. I really wish there was a verse that says, "you shall not live by the numbers on the scale alone". Or at least something of that nature, but there is not. I read my chapter in Romans and got some good stuff, but nothing to help me with my struggle today. So off I went to the Psalms. I am jumping around a bunch and not really finding what I am looking for. I prayed "Lord, I need my nugget for the day! Please lead me to it!".
I have a Women's Devotions Bible and I have always thought the devotions in it were really cheesy, so I don't pay any attention to them. But, today I saw the title Delight Only in Him by Debbie Smith and I was drawn to it. Guess what, it was my nugget!
This was the verse. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of man. Psalm 147:10. Go ahead and say it...HUH????? As I read, it made sense. She was anorexic(different disease, yet the same issues of dealing with food addiction). The point she made was that God does not delight in my physical appearance, but he does delight in the condition of my heart!! PRAISE THE LORD! GOD DOESN'T CARE WHAT NUMBER IS ON THE SCALE!!
The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. Psalm 147:11
So when the scale doesn't move, it is time to do a heart check. Have I been making food and exercise decisions based on glorifying the Lord? If the answer is yes, walk away from the scale knowing that God is pleased with you!! If the answer is no, walk away from the scale determined to get back on track with the Lord.
I feel like I have just rambled today. I pray that in some sort of miracle, these words make sense to you and bless you. My hope is that we can retrain our minds not to find our acceptance in the scale, but in Christ Jesus!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Blah, Blah, Blah
Today is a Blah day for me. You know those days that you just want to lounge around in comfy clothes and watch really bad daytime tv. In the past, Blah days consisted of lots of food. A day of aimlessly walking into the kitchen and grazing my way through the cabinets. A bowl of cereal, then a spoonful of peanut butter straight from the jar. A little later on, some Cheezits followed by a handful of M&Ms. Not because I was hungry but because eating felt good.
Well, I can't do that today. Today, my blah day has to change the way it looks. I was reminded in church on Sunday, that we don't quit habits, we simply replace them with other habits. So, what will my new habit be? I would love to say that I am going to curl up with my bible and listen to praise music all day. It sounds like the "right" answer to say. But, I am just not there yet in my newly found walk with my Lord. I know that as a draw nearer to him, then days like that will come. But today, I think I will just sleep or maybe read a book.
I found this verse this morning. I think I will cling to it today. In the morning, O Lord, your hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 5:3
I don't have any overwhelming insight today. But, I know that my Lord is with me even through my blah days. Even through the days that I don't feel like making the effort, he will be there. I will call upon him for strength today and I will rest in the knowledge of the love that was given to me. He has heard my prayers this morning and I wait in expectation for what I will experience today.
Well, I can't do that today. Today, my blah day has to change the way it looks. I was reminded in church on Sunday, that we don't quit habits, we simply replace them with other habits. So, what will my new habit be? I would love to say that I am going to curl up with my bible and listen to praise music all day. It sounds like the "right" answer to say. But, I am just not there yet in my newly found walk with my Lord. I know that as a draw nearer to him, then days like that will come. But today, I think I will just sleep or maybe read a book.
I found this verse this morning. I think I will cling to it today. In the morning, O Lord, your hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 5:3
I don't have any overwhelming insight today. But, I know that my Lord is with me even through my blah days. Even through the days that I don't feel like making the effort, he will be there. I will call upon him for strength today and I will rest in the knowledge of the love that was given to me. He has heard my prayers this morning and I wait in expectation for what I will experience today.
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