ZERO. That is the amount of weight I lost this week. FAILURE. That is what I feel like. I can't even manage to be successful at weight loss with 85% of my stomach being gone. I have been here so many times. Lose a little weight and then my body freezes. It refuses to give up anymore weight. It was for this very reason that I decided to have surgery. And look, I am here again. A FAILURE.
And let me tell you, I know the logical side to it. I almost busted Bryan's teeth in this morning for trying to remind me. But, let me explain the logical the way I see it. I am consuming 600 calories or less a day. My body burns 2372 calories at rest(I was tested). So, logically I should be losing 1 1/2 lbs every two days. But for the last 12 days I have lost ZERO!
Don't try to tell me that I shouldn't measure success by the scale. Hello, this is weight loss surgery. How do you measure weight loss? The scale. Why did I have this surgery done? To lose weight.
I feel double the failure because I can't even lose weight with drastic measures! Because of this, I want to grab back control. I want to do one of two things. I want to go back to eating just jello because that is the only time that I have lost weight. Maybe if I cut it back to 35 calories a day, I could lose it. Or, I want to go against doctor's orders and start working out obsessively. The only thing that is keeping from either one right now is Eleanor. I can't be that kind of example to her. Not when we are trying to teach her healthy eating habits.
So here I sit. Back in the pit. I brought a pillow and blanket this time. Not sure how long I am going to be here. I have no will to pull myself back out.
I recognize this feeling. I felt them all throughout our battle with infertility. Doing everything by the book and yet your body fails you time and time again. And let me tell you, it isn't an easy feeling to sit with. It pulls you down, way down. Hopefully I can keep my head above water enough to take care of my girl. Now, back to the bed I go. Praying that Eleanor will be content with TV for a long time today.
Mary, you know I am sitting in my own pit. I have been reading lots of different verses lately trying to grasp some sense of hope rather than be angry or an emotioanl basket case. :) I know what it is like to know all the right things in our heads (all things work together for good, God has a plan for us, etc). Yeah, my head kows all that stuff but I also know sometimes it is hard for our heart to always believe it. I read this earlier today and when I saw your post thought of you too.
ReplyDelete"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. " Epehsians 6:10-17
I love the "after you have done everything, to STAND". Not sit in a pit. :)
Love you, proud of you, thinking of you, praying.
Sarah
Oh Mary, my heart aches for you. I can really see how hard this is, and I would be so frustrated myself with zero change. I remember well the pain and the frustration of my body failing me...of mystifying doctors, and how angry I felt at God, at others, at the world in general. Those who could seemingly look at someone and get pregnant, and the pain of it still lives within me today.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying that you come out of that pit soon, and that the scale DOES change for you soon.
I know the platitudes are hard to hear, but I know that God is shaping you for something big. He's polishing you up to sparkle like a diamond for Him. I don't know in what way, but I know eventually it's going to become apparent.