Immediately

I have a thought in my head that I haven't fully processed yet, but it has stuck with me for the last couple of days.  I wanted to share it with you.  I am reading through Matthew.  At this time of year, I like to read through Matthew or Luke so that I can remind myself of the birth and life of Jesus. 
But, it isn't the story of Jesus that is sticking with me.  It is the reaction that others had when Jesus entered their life.  It starts with Joseph(the encounter that Mary had with Gabriel only occurs in Luke).  When he has the dream that tells him to take Mary as his wife, even though she is pregnant, he wakes up and he DOES IT.  He doesn't say that he needs to pray about it or talk it over with his godly mentors, he just DOES IT.
It happens again, this time when Jesus has grown up and is starting his ministry.  When he calls Peter and Andrew to be his disciples, it says, At once they left their nets and followed him.  Matthew 4:20.  AT ONCE they followed him.  Again, there was no hesitation.  They did what the Lord wanted them to do.
James and John had the same reaction to Jesus' request.  Immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.  Matthew 4:22  It just amazes me that there was no hesitation when this strange man asked them to leave everything they knew and everyone they loved and to come with him.
Here is my thought.  Why do we tell Jesus to wait a little while before we give him an answer.  Oh, Lord, we need to seek counsel.  We need to pray about it and make sure that we can handle what you are asking.  We have to weigh our options. 
Let me tell you, when God tells you to do something, you need to obey immediately.  Whether it be as small as a name of someone being laid on your heart to pray for or as big as quitting your job and becoming a missionary.  Stop what you are doing and obey.  Just like Pastor Zach always says, "Delayed obedience is disobedience."  If it is truly God moving within you, you will know it.  There will be no question on who is speaking.  So, your only reaction should be to move.  Do it and let God take care of the rest.
As I am typing this, I have no idea why God has placed this on my heart.  I wonder what he may be preparing me for.  What will 2012 hold for the Hughes family?  It may be more of the same.  Simple service to our Lord, or it may be something great.  But, when he asks for my obedience, you better believe that I will immediately follow where is says go.  What about you?  Is there something that God is asking you to do and you are delaying in disobedience?   

The Finale

Last night was the Biggest Loser finale for the season that I applied for.  As I went to bed, I was reflecting on how much different this year has turned out.  I started out in January with all my hopes and dreams set on getting on a television show to help me lose weight.  I went through the highs of being contacted by a producer and the lows of not getting a call back after the audition.  It was one of the lowest points in my life.  I was at rock bottom but didn't know what to do.
Then step by step, God led me in the direction that he wanted me to go.  He had a plan for me.  A plan that I would have never dreamed up myself.  By May, that plan was laid out before me.  I had faced the fact that I was addicted to food.  Bryan and I finally agreed that it was time to do something drastic to get that addiction under control.  I was lead to the book Made to Crave and I also found a local surgeon that would perform my weight loss surgery.
There was proof that God had his hand in this all along.  Everything fell into place.  Just about the time that I would have left for the ranch(had I been chosen), I was undergoing surgery. 
It has been fun for me to watch this season of Biggest Loser, knowing that at one time that is where I wanted to be.  I am so glad that God had a different plan for me.  I am glad that I have been able to take this journey with my family and friends.  God is so good.  I am proof that even though we may not understand things at the time, that in hindsight, God is always in control and he wants what is best for each of us!
So, in the same amount of time as I would have been on the ranch, God has given me the power and the strength to lose 85 pounds!  Not too shabby, I must say!  Of course, you know that all the glory has to go back to God.  He is the one that is doing the work in me.  I just have to obey him, trust him, and stay close to him!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,  plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13
This has always been a very important verse to me.  It has come to mean so much more because it is a direct reflection of what has happened to me in the last 7 months.  I am living proof that this promise is true!  

The Undeserved Present

I DESERVE to eat that brownie because I have had a bad day.  I DESERVE to have a vacation because I have worked so hard this year.  I DESERVE to have another child because I am a good person.  I DESERVE to hold a grudge against that person because of what they did to me.  I DESERVE to live in this nice house and buy what I want because it is the American dream.  I DESERVE NOTHING!
This is my inner monologue.  What is yours?  What do you think you deserve?  We live in a world that thinks that because of things that we do, that we deserve to be rewarded.  We are teaching it to our children in an alarming way(I am preaching to the choir on this one!).  We reward them for good behavior instead of expecting it.
It has hit me pretty hard, that the most precious gift that we can be given, is something that we will never be able to earn.  Salvation is something that NONE OF US deserve.  We don't deserve it because we love God(because we don't).  We don't deserve it because we are good people(because we aren't).  But, we are given it because GOD LOVES US.  That is the only reason that we are heirs to God.  There is no reason that we should be even be able to utter the name of God, except for the fact that he has chosen to allow it.
This is how God showed love among us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love:   Not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  1 John 4: 9&10
Do you know what we deserve?  I life in hell.  No matter how "good" we are.  No matter how "spiritual" we are.  No matter how "charitable" we are.  We deserve hell.  Plan and simple.  We will never be able to be anything other than sinners.
Thank you Lord, that you loved us enough to send us the perfect Christmas present.  Your one and only Son that would one day die on the cross as a payment for sin.  Not because we deserve a Savior, but because you loved us that much!

Everything We Need

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.  2 Peter 1: 3&4

I have been drawn to these verses time and again over the last few days.  I keep going back and reading and absorbing their great message.  There is so much in them that I can't seem to wrap my head around it all.  I just wanted to share some of the great truths I have found in these scriptures.  They can be applied to anything that is going on in your life right now.  Whether it be the temptation to eat or the imminent death of a loved one.  Whether is it a life changing decision or a simple tugging at your heart to help someone.
I want you to know that God has given us EVERYTHING we need for life.  Do you get that!  No matter what is going on, we already have what we need.  How do we know what it is?  It says it in the verses above.  There will be nothing that we go through that God has not already provided what we need.
Here is the catch.  Are you ready for it?  It comes through the knowledge of God.  The knowledge of God can only be gained by seeking a relationship with him.  We do not get a magic sprinkle of it when we are saved.  It has to be gained.  We HAVE to spend time with our Savior.  We HAVE to get in the scripture and learn his truths.  We HAVE to spend time with him in prayer and meditation.  We HAVE  to make God a huge part of our lives.
The verses also state that we have been given PRECIOUS PROMISES.  His word is full of them.  I find them every time I open my bible.  But, again, it is only when I go looking for them.  They are found only through reading the scripture. Then, they are even more effective when we memorize them.  For when we hide them in our heart, they are there in a moment's notice.  When life gets tough, they are brought to the forefront of your mind to help in every circumstance.  They are there to give you strength, peace, comfort, and truth.  They are there to offer help or to remind you of the lies of Satan.  With God's word, you can stand against anything.
I pray that this encourages you in whatever you are facing today.  Big or small, God sees it all.  Not only does he see it all, he has everything you need to face it all.  So even if you are not in the habit of doing so, may you seek your God today.  Start learning those precious promises and maybe even hiding them in your heart.   

God's Sense of Humor

I have been dealing with a severe reaction to milk products lately.  It has gone beyond normal lactose intolerance and has moved into what I suspect may be an allergy to milk.  I have started becoming very ill whenever I eat anything that even contains dairy products.  For example, I became very ill yesterday after eating a veggie burger.  Who knew that a veggie burger would be made with milk, but sure enough there it was in the ingredients.
As you can imagine, the last 3 weeks have been torture for me.  I LOVE MILK!  I LOVE CHEESE!  I LOVE YOGURT!  These are things that I was relying on to get protein into my diet.  I can no longer tolerate them.  They make me sick.  I have gone from being mad to being sad and then back to mad again.  Really, God, you are going to take another type of food away from me?  Are you going to make me face another food issue?  Are you testing me to see if I am truly ready to give up everything that might be tied to my addiction?   I mean I do have to eat something, you know! 
Then yesterday, I had this weird thought.  Maybe this allergy/intolerance(going to the doctor on Monday to find out) is an answer to prayer.  You see, I have been very worried about falling back into my old habits with food.  I have been so fearful that I am going to put the weight back on.  Could it be that God has allowed me to develop this condition so that I can't go back to eating everything that I am so tempted by. 
Lets make a list of my favorite foods.  Brownies, cakes, pizza, Italian food, cereal w/milk, chunks of cheese, Mexican cheese dip, chocolate, etc.  I mean everything that I have been fearful of returning to and not being able to control how much I eat contains MILK! 
When I realized this, I kind of had to giggle.  Talk about God answering my prayers about my fears!  I guess the saying is right, "Be careful what you pray for!".
Now, I am not real happy with the situation.  It is going to take some time for me to learn how to live without dairy products.  But, I am going to take it in stride and do the best I can with what I have been given.  After all, God is good all the time, even when we don't see it.  I am preparing my mind for action(James 1:13).  I am reading books and investigation ways to adapt to my new circumstances.  After all, there is no use crying over spilled milk, right?

Thanksgiving Setback

I survived my first Thanksgiving post surgery.  I did very well, I must say.  I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to eat.  I withstood the temptation to eat sweets!  I really can't believe that I made it through the whole holiday weekend without one bite of dessert.  There was a lot of prayer that went into this weekend and there were times that those prayers were the only thing that sustained me.
That being said, I still gained 1 1/2 pounds.  I don't know why.  It could be water weight.  It could be that I ate too many carbohydrates and not enough protein.  It could be a million different things.  I have been through them all in my head and for the life of me I can't figure it out.  I would have had to consumed over five thousand extra calories over the weekend to mathematically gain that weight.  That is not possible.  So, all I can do is look at that scale and know that I had a good week.  The number does not reflect what a successful holiday I had. 
I do feel like I need to regroup.  I need to get my head back in this game and keep in the right directions.  So forgive me if I do a little review of what I know is true.
Can I lose this weight under my own power?  No, only through the strength of God can I achieve this.
Does a gain on the scale mean that you are a failure?  No, not if you know that you did everything you could to be successful at weight loss.  Step away from the scale and know that you did not sabotage yourself.
Is this journey about me and what I can gain from it?  No, it is so that God can receive all the glory when others see what a great work he has done in me.
A friend posted this on their Facebook today.  I thought it was so appropriate.  Charles Spurgeon: "Humility is to feel that we have no power of ourselves, but that it all cometh from God.
And then I found this verse.  Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  James 4:10
What a great reminder to me that I can not do this through my own power.  I have to constantly put myself in a state of humility before the Lord.  I have to be reminded time and time again that it is only through him that I will be successful.  Without that, I will surely fail. 

The Tongue

Ever had one of those days that you are hit with the same lesson from God over and over again.  Today has already been one of those days for me. Within the last hour, God has put in my path a lesson about the tongue in two different ways.
First of all, it was in my Journey magazine.  This quote struck me and I read it over and over again.  Once something is said, it can't be unsaid.  When we bless or curse, our words are more than just words.
Isn't that true!  I can still hear cruel words that were spoken to me over 20 years ago.  They surface in my heart at times when I am doubting who I am and make me struggle even more to keep a grasp of what is true.
Secondly, I turn to the next chapter in James this morning and it was about taming the tongue.  But no man can tame the tongue.  it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  James 3:8 
I find it interesting that it says that no man can tame the tongue.  So, no matter how hard we work at it, our tongue will always have the ability to be used as a weapon of destruction.  Beyond anything else we can do, it is our words that often hurt people the most.  Read it again.  It is full of deadly poison.
This lesson from God hits a little to close to home.  Not only have I been hurt by the tongue countless times, I know that I have also hurt others too many times to count with my tongue.  I can replay scenarios in my mind of conversations I have had with others that I purposefully have used my tongue to damage their souls.   It is something that comes very natural to me.  You push me in a corner and I am going to come out swinging.  Only I don't use my hands, but my tongue.  How many times has this been referred to as the "wrath of Mary" by my friends. 
So today, my toes have gotten stepped on in a mighty way.  I think a couple might have actually been broken in the process!  I pray that God helps me to remember these verses as we go into this season of gathering with family and friends.  Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.  For the Father up above, is looking down with love.  Oh, be careful little mouth what you say!

Blessed

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed.  James 1:22-25
For so long I was like the first person in the verses above.  I knew that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of it.  I had read it so many times.  Yet, I would simply walk away from God's word and forget what it told me to do.
Now, I am like the second person.  I finally got it.  Six month ago today, I acted upon God's leading and had my surgery.  I had decided to face what had been shown to me as truth(through scripture and with the help of Made to Crave).  No longer could I sit by and let my addiction destroy God's temple.  I found freedom.  Sweet freedom from the guilt of my actions.  Freedom from the holds of my addiction.
Now I must continue on in my journey.  Never forgetting to give thanks to my Lord for all that he has taught me and for all the blessings he has poured out in my life in the last six months.  Oh, how blessed I am! 
I am so glad that I stopped circling that mountain of food addiction!  I am glad that I finally realized that I needed to take action.  I needed to face my sin and follow the instructions I found in the bible! 
As of today I have lost 79 pounds and 57 inches.  I am starting to see the consequences of living in sin for so long.  My skin in saggy. This irreversible damage that I have done to God's temple is a daily reminder of where I have come from.   It saddens me to think of how careless I was for so many years.  But, it must have saddened my Lord even more.

I still see "yuck", but I pray that one day I will see beauty.  I have found it is harder to love yourself than to lose the weight.  The inner soul work is really the hardest.  But, with each passing day, I am trying to embrace God's love for me. 
Lord, thank you for bringing me this far.  May your glory and your faithfulness be evident in this journey.  You haven't left me even for a moment and for that I am so grateful.  Please, continue to draw me to you as we finish this weight loss journey and beyond that point.  Help me to conquer this last 40 pounds of weight.  Most of all, help me to find the beauty that you see in me.  Amen.

Food is not the Enemy

All of my life I have considered food as the enemy.  Food is what made me fat.  Food is what caused my health problems.  Food is what made me so miserable in my life.  Now, I am learning that food is not the enemy.  It is what I do with food that is the problem.  Food is given to us by God to nourish his temple. 
...food, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth.  For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.  1 Timothy 4:3b-5
These verses remind me that I shouldn't wage a war against food.  I should wage a war against my addiction of food.  That I can eat and enjoy what God has created for me to nourish my body without guilt, if it is done for nourishment.  That means no restrictions on what foods I can and can not eat.  Sounds great, huh?
Here is the tricky part.  That does not include this processed junk that we call food today.  God did not create Oreos.  God created bananas. 
The funny thing is, I used to look at bananas and oreos in the same light.  Bananas are "bad" fruits that should not be eaten..  How many diets have I been on that have placed restrictions on my in this way!!  How many times have I turned away God's creation thinking that it was going to make me fatter. 
I have a new way of looking at it.  If God created it, then he meant for me to enjoy it IF I am using it for my nourishment.  Because we all know by now that it is still a sin to eat a banana if you are using it as a replacement for a relationship with God! 
A life living without guilt of what I eat.  Now, that is a new idea!  

Ruler of My Heart

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.  Colossians 3:15-17

I awoke before the alarm this morning.  As I was lying in bed looking at the early morning light hit the yellow leaves through my window, I felt peace.  Such a peace that it made me stop and dwell on it.  I had the realization that this peace is something that I did without for a long time.  I don't know when this peace settled into my soul, but I am glad today that I became aware of it. 
For such a long time my soul always seemed in turmoil.  I just couldn't get it to settle down.  I seemed to always be at war in my relationship with God.  Always in this tug of war with what I thought I needed and what God was telling me.
Then almost 6 months ago, I laid down my idol.  Nothing has been the same since that day.  Slowly but surely, God has been working.  The verses above rang so true this morning.  There is a peace that rules my heart.  A peace in knowing that I am dwelling in my Lord.  It is an amazing feeling.  One that I am in awe of and I am so grateful that I have found.  It is truly a peace that passes all understanding.
I also loved that we are told to do EVERYTHING in the name of Jesus.  I am so glad that I chose to take this route in my journey.  Dedicating every decision and every victory to Jesus.  What an experience to be able to look to my Lord and know that without him, I would never have been this successful.  So, like the simple 3 word sentence in the verses above, I will be thankful.  Thankful for God's goodness.  For his peace that he gives freely.   For his word that dwells in my heart.  Most of all, for the gift of grace that he poured out to me on the cross.  Thank you, Jesus.

Perseverance

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

Perseverance is such a big word.  One that get stuck in my mouth and is hard for me to even say correctly.  It means the steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose.  I will confess to you that the month of October was a hard one.  The scale was barely moving and I was getting discouraged..  For the entire month, I only lost 5 pounds.  I couldn't comprehend it.  If you look at weight loss in mathematical terms, I should have easily doubled that amount. 
Because I didn't like my situation,  I decided to control every aspect of my diet and exercise.  I doubled my amount of exercise(sometimes to over 2 hours a day).  I made sure I was eating the right food.  Yet, it didn't work. Every week, I stepped off that scale in disappointment.  T
hen something crazy happened.  I lost control!  I hurt my knee while playing soccer with Eleanor and I missed exercise for most of last week.  Then, Eleanor got sick and it has thrown my exercise schedule off for this week, as well.  I haven't been to the gym in over a week! 
I was also bombarded with temptation.   I had to make decisions daily to walk away from food that two months ago didn't even bother me.  The cookies in the cabinet were calling my name.  Cupcakes sat on the counter staring at me.  The Halloween candy whispered to me in a time of weakness.  All I could do is cling.  Cling to my Jesus.  Cling to his strength to make wise decisions in my food choices. Because of this, I have claimed victory over victory this week in the name of Jesus.  
God is teaching me to persevere even when I am not seeing results.  Even when I don't feel like it.  I must persevere and cling to him.  
That being said, guess what just happened to me.  I found the hidden scale(Yep, I was a bad girl and went on a treasure hunt!  Bryan has to find a new hiding spot!).  I stepped on it in the middle of the day(I don't know what I was thinking) and I had lost 4 pounds in just 2 days!  WHAT!?!?!?!?!
*SIGH*  Just when I am going to learn that God is in control!  I can say that this student was just taught the same lesson for the millionth time.  I can't do this with my strength and when I am in control.  I can only do it with the strength of Jesus and the faith that he is in control.  

Season of Food

Halloween.  Today usually marks my food frenzy that lasts until January 1st.  Oh, the holidays.  Sure they are for friends and family to gather and enjoy one another.  But, if I am honest(and you know I always am), my main thought is about what kind of food I will get to eat.  It is a time of no limits and no questions asked.  Enjoy yourself to the fullest is always my motto.
Well, this year will be different.  Bryan and I discussed what I was going to do this year and the conclusion we came to will not be an easy one.  This year, it will be a time of sacrifice.  I am committing to skip all of the normal treats this year.  That is right, not even a cookie on Christmas.
I know many of you may be thinking that this is extreme, but let me explain.  There will come a time in my life when I will be able to eat all things in moderation.  But, I have been so blessed with this amazing surgery, that I feel like I need to give it my all until the weight is completely off.  It has been nearly 6 months without a cookie, cake, pie or any baked good passing through my mouth.  What is a few more months in the grand scheme of things? 
Throughout these months, I have learned how to cope with the situations when these things are present.  I have learned that the temptation to eat is always met with a way out.  I have learned that if I can hold out just long enough, then everyone else is through eating it and then I am victorious one more time.  Oh, the feeling of victory(even the small ones) is so much better than the guilt!!
Today I read in Philippians 3 about pressing on towards the goal.  What is my goal?  Of course it is to lose the weight.  But in a heavenly sense, it is to live the life that God has called me into until the day I meet him in Glory.  So, I will cling to the knowledge that life is about more than this.  One day these small sacrifices will be met with a great reward.  A reward of knowing that I am striving for the eternal prize.  A relationship with God is so much better than a pan of brownies will ever be!!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But, one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:12-14

The Gift of Time

As you well know, I have been struggling with my purpose in life.  Trying to figure out what I am supposed to do now that Eleanor is in school and I have free time on my hands.  I have prayed and searched for something to do.  I have volunteered to help out in many different areas and I am always turned down.  I just couldn't figure out what God wanted me to do.
A few weeks ago during a major 3 hour meltdow/cryfest with my husband, he said something that has been bumping around in my head every since.  He told me that maybe God wanted me to spend this time focusing on me.  WHAT?!?!?!?  I didn't like the sound of it, but something rang true.  It has finally settled in my soul and I am at peace that God is giving the me gift of time.
He is giving me time that very few mothers and wives get to have.  He is giving me time to focus on getting my temple in order.  Time to work through my addiction and all that goes along with that. 
At first, I felt guilty.  But, I have slowly realized that it is okay to focus on me for a time. 
Don't you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God.  You do not belong to yourselves.  1 Corinthians 6:19
My body is a temple and I have neglected it for too long.  I now see that God wants me to take this time to get my temple back in order.  To honor him with how I live.  To give him praise and glory for the way that my body can work and accomplish things.
So, I have turned over a new leaf.  In the last 2 weeks, I have decided to make exercise a priority.  I am treating it as my job.  If Bryan and Eleanor have to get up and go to work and school, then my booty better be exercising. 
This is an unbelievable gift that I have been given.  I see that God's plans are bigger than we even realize.  He brought me to the breaking point during a time in my life when I can focus on myself.  I couldn't have done this a year ago. 
The song that is rattling around in my brain this morning is Lord Prepare Me to be a Sanctuary.  Beautiful words that are my prayer today.
Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy
Tried and True
And With Thanksgiving
I'll be a living sanctuary
Lord for you

The List

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21

When I was in my early 20's I heard some advice to make a list of godly characteristics that you wanted in a husband.  I made that list.  It was a list of characteristics that were based directly from scripture on what a husband/man should be.  Then, I began praying over that list.  Every time a prospective suitor came along, I would pull out my list.  I would get excited when the met most of the characteristics.  I would justify why they were missing a couple(oh, he will start tithing when he gets a real job...).  But every time, God would move them on(I can thank my mother's prayers for this.  She was diligent to pray for each guy that came into my life.  She would pray that God would move them on if it wasn't the one I was meant to marry.  It would make me madder than a hatter to lose another boyfriend, but now I am so thankful for those prayers).
I had been tempted so many times to give up this list. To compromise my beliefs for love.  But, for over 7 years, I held tight to my belief that God had a mate for me that would live up to my list. 
Then one day, God brought Bryan into my life.  Bryan had every one of the characteristics that I had prayed over for so many years.   I knew that I had found my mate. 
But, even though this list covered all the basics of a godly husband, I am surprised on a daily basis.  God knew I needed so much more.  It is just like the verse above.  God is able to do immeasurably more than we can even think to ask for.
God was able to look into the future and see what I would need.  God knew that I needed someone that could see past the physical appearance and love me for what was inside.  It amazes me on a regular basis that Bryan could love me and marry me at my heaviest weight.  I was 312 pounds the day I walked down the aisle.  But, Bryan saw beauty.  Not many men could do that. 
God knew that Bryan would be my biggest cheerleader and supporter throughout this journey.  Through the rough years of dieting with no results.  Through the times of binge eating to numb out feelings.  All the way through the ugliness of my addiction, this man loved me unconditionally.  Finally, through one of the biggest decisions of our lives, he helped me to decide to radically change my life forever. 
Isn't God good!  He knows what we need and he provides it.  It is a wonderful example to dream big and ask for more than you can ever imagine.  To God be the glory!

I AM DONE!

This morning at the gym, I put my ipod on shuffle and set off on the treadmill.  This song came on and gave me a wake up call.  It is my new anthem.  I am done with the negative self talk.  Done believing the lies of Satan.  Done with worrying about what others think of me.  Done with judging myself for failures. Today is a new day.  There is a new fire in me and I will finish what I started.

Now I know some of you are thinking that Pink is not a good role model, but listen to the words!  As I walked on the treadmill this morning, I had tears rolling down my face(yeah, got some weird looks).  It is as if I could hear God saying, "Mary, you are perfect to me".  For we are God's workmanship...Ephesians 2:10  or how about You are fearfully and wonderfully made ..Psalm 139: 14.

If you haven't heard anything else that I have said in the last five months, please here this:  God didn't make a mistake when he created you.  You are his workmanship.  You are worth more than those voices inside your head are telling you.  We have to stop listening to and believing the lies of Satan. 

With that said, today I will focus on the amazing things that I have accomplished through Christ in the last 5 months.  First and foremost, I have gotten a handle on my addiction.  Through Christ's strength I have not had any of my old "comfort" foods in 5 months.  Every day I remember this truth.  So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!  No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  Therefore, my dear friends, flee.  1 Corinthians 10:12-14  I know that my God is bigger than my addiction and every day I stand firm in that knowledge!

Secondly, I have lost 66 pounds and 44 inches.  It is such an amazing accomplishment, that I still can't get my head around it.  I sometimes want to listen to the voice in my head that says I only did it because of my surgery.  But no, my friends, my surgery was a tool to help me.  I have accomplished this.  Every day I a make a thousand choices that have brought me here.  Through God's guidance I take a step at a time toward my goal.  It is my victory in Christ and I will claim it.

Finally, I have begun to live life again.  Doing things that once I couldn't because my weight wouldn't let me.  Taking a hike, swinging with my daughter, dancing with my husband.  You see, I am worth living my life to the fullest.  I am getting a glimmer of what life used to be and I am excited.  God has great things in store for me. 

So, today I will finish what I started.  I have a little over 50 pounds to go.  I will conquer this.  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:37-39  God loves me enough to take me to the finish line!

Sorry this was so long today!  Here are some pictures I ran across.  The first one was taken in January and the second just last week.  What a difference, huh!!!

Can't Find My Happy

For years I have said to myself, "If I could only be under 250 and fit into a size 18, I would be happy!".  (Now I know that this isn't a great goal, but being stuck at 300 for so long, I needed to set a reasonable goal for myself.)  I never dreamed that I could do any better.  But guess what...I am there and I am not happy. 
I have become withdrawn from friends.  I go days with out speaking to anyone but Bryan, Eleanor and Mother.  I have no desire to socialize.  But, shouldn't it be the opposite?  I am on my way to skinny, but I am not happy.  Where is all that joy that is supposed to come along with it?  You see it in commercials and on reality TV.  They get skinny, they get happy.
I remembered a chapter in Made to Crave that was about this topic.  I revisited it this morning and there I found my answer. 
My body size is not tied to my happy.  If my happy was missing when I was larger, it will still be missing when I get smaller.  Tying my happy to food, skinny jeans, or anything else sets me up for failure.  -Lysa Terkeurst
There is only one thing that can make me happy.  I have to tie my happy to Jesus.  How do I do that?
As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.  Now remain in my love.  If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  John 15:9-12
There it is:  Remain in me!  Okay, but how?  Love each other.  It is so strange to me that these would be connected.  I know it is bad, but I am reluctant to try.  For reasons that I can't quite explain, I don't feel like loving anyone else right now.  I have my own "stuff" to deal with.  Now before you say, "Now Mary....", I know I am in the wrong.  I just don't know if I can move out of it right now. 
There are so many factors that are weighing on letting people back in.  Factors that I don't really want to go into, but I will say that it is easier for me not to put myself out there than to deal with the repercussions of being hurt or criticized. 
So, I must work on this.  I want to find my happy.  On this I will dwell on today.
After all, remember the ultimate goal of this journey isn't about making me a smaller sized person but rather making me crave Jesus and His truths as the ultimate filler of my heart.  We are to remain in this healthy perspective.  Let His thoughts be our thoughts.  REMAIN.  Let His ways be our ways.  REMAIN.  Let His truths go to the depths of our hearts and produce good things in our lives.  REMAIN.  Approach this world full of fellow incomplete people with the joy of Jesus.  REMAIN.  And see our skinny jeans as a fun reward, nothing more.  REMAIN.  And be led forth in peace because I've kept my happy tied only to Jesus.  REMAIN.  -Lysa TerKeurst

Sneaky Satan

As most of you already know, I was "MOOOed" at by some teenage boys yesterday while I was walking down Bridge Street.  I was instantly taken back to junior high, when the boys were so mean and cruel to me.  Always laughing and snickering at me both to my face and when they didn't think that I knew.  (I even had a boy come up and hand me a empty jar of Slim-Fast in front of the whole school and everyone around was laughing.)
I thought I would be immune to it.  I thought that with age, you are more confident in who you are.  I was wrong.  I wish I could say that I had a smart comment to whip back to the kid that did it, but I was stunned silent.  Forced to walk by like I had not heard a thing.
Through the support of friends, I have realized that it was an attack by Satan.  It is so interesting how he will lay low for awhile.  Just long enough for you to get comfortable and let your guard down.  Then he comes in for the kill. Catching you with your defenses down and knowing how to hit in the exact spot that will hurt the most. 
I have just gotten over a major attack by someone that I considered a friend.  It has taken months for that wound to begin to heal.  I guess it was time to attack again.  Satan wants to try and get me to a point that I am never fully standing strong with my Lord. 
Be self controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith...."  I Peter 5:8-9a
Two things I have to remember.  The first is that Satan doesn't bother with you when you aren't doing what the Lord wants you to.  This confirms yet again, that I am on the right path.  This journey was God ordained and I am doing what he asks of me.  Second, that I need to stay alert.  Letting my guard down will only allow for Satan to get a foothold.  Satan doesn't fool around.  It isn't a joke to him.  He is in the business of bringing God followers to destruction.  We have to be alert and ready for his attacks!

Peace Be With You

Yesterday we had a guest speaker at church(Forgive me that I don't remember his name.  I am terrible at remembering names.  At times, I don't even remember friends names!).  The answer to my recent struggles of self doubt and self loathing came through loud and clear.  One simple statement from Jesus, brought it all back into perspective.
It comes from John 20 after the Resurrection of Jesus.  He appears to his fearful disciples and the first thing out of his mouth is "Peace be with you" John 20:19 
I was reminded that where Jesus is, there is peace.  If you take even a step away from the Savior, your peace will start to waiver.  Perfect peace is found in the presence of the Lord.
As I reflected on my week, I realized that I had gotten comfortable in my walk with God.  Started having the "I have got this under control" attitude.  That is when all the bad feelings started creeping in.  I started thinking that because I was walking with the Lord, that I could be in control again.  That I didn't need as much "support" from him.  And that, my friend, was a pure lie from Satan.  I can never do it on my own.  Not a single second of my day can be handled without the presence of Jesus.  Why?  Because a life will never be lived in peace, if the Lord is not close by. 
Flash forward to this morning.  I step on the scale.  Then step off.  Step back on just to make sure I was seeing it correct.  Yep, weight gain.  For a brief moment, the flood of failure and total disappointment wanted to creep in.  I took a deep breathe and reminded myself that it was a pure reflection of my attitude this past week.  Why do I have to follow the rules?  I have this under control!  Slowly slipping back into a high carbohydrate diet.  Thinking that the rules didn't apply to me.  But, oh yes they do.  This attitude can be directed back to my steps away from Christ.  I had seemed to have forgotten that the Lord is in control of this process.  The Lord will not share his praise.  Weight loss is not something in which I am succeeding at on my own.  The Lord is allowing this to take place for his glory alone.  It was time for a reality check.
Today this is my prayer.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.  Psalm 51:10-12

Just Not Good Enough

I have something heavy on my heart and I am just going to share it.  Satan has a firm grip on me and I can't seem to shake it.  This is where I am.
I can see nothing but my flaws.  I look around and everything I see points to my short comings.  I am having a hard time being around others, because it reminds me that I am not as good as they are.  I am not as good of a christian that others are.  When I am at church, I feel like everyone around me is living this perfect godly life.  A life that I can't live up to.  They have it all together.  It makes me want to run in the other direction. 
When I am around other mothers,  I find myself realizing that I really don't have this mother thing together.  I am not a good wife or house keeper.  Everyone else has immaculate houses and perfect children, and I can't seem to even keep my toilets clean or Eleanor from back talking me.
It has even gone as far that I can't get on weight loss forums because I see that I am not losing weight as fast as most people that have had my surgery.  Suddenly, my accomplishments are dim in comparision.
I feel like a failure on all fronts.  I know it is all lies, but I can't shake it.  These self doubts are swarming in my head all the time it seems.  So, I ask you to pray for me.  Pray that I can find my way out.  This isn't a very happy place to be. 

Everything You Need

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders and he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Isaiah 9:6

What are you in need of this morning?  Is it someone to listen to your worries or maybe someone to lead you to the right decisions?  Is it a reminder that there is someone that is in control of it all?  Or maybe, you just need to rest and find peace in the chaos of this world. 
Isn't it wonderful to know that we can find all this in God.  That no matter what we are in need of today, God is there to provide it.  It is a gift given to us in the form of a child.  It wasn't just given to the world, but to you and me.  It is as personal as you want it to be.
So today, instead of trying to find fulfillment, comfort, or companionship in anyone or anything else, let us turn to our God.  There is an attribute of God that is perfect for you today.  Isn't that amazing!  Everything and everyone else will fall short.  But, our God is exactly what we need every time.

(Oh, and how many of you guys are now singing "The Hallelujah Chorus"?  I am!!)

He Goes Ahead

Do you ever read the bible like you read a book?  Skipping over the minor details just to get to the "good part".  I was doing that this morning in Mark.  I was reading chapter 14 as Mark is recounting the Lord's Supper.  I read it like this.  "blah, blah, blah....and when the evening came, Jesus arrived with the twelve. Mark 4:17".  I knew that was an indication of where the story was to begin.  The story of the breaking of bread and the drinking of wine.  The story of betrayal being played out.
Then, something made me back up.  I went back and read the first few verses of this account.  There, I found something that is a true indicator that God goes before us.  The disciples ask Jesus, "Where do you want us to go and make preparations for you to eat the Passover?" v. 12
Jesus answered, "Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you.  Follow him.  Say to the owner of the house he enters,  The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?  He will show you a large upper room, furnished and ready.  Make preparations for us there." vs. 13-15
It got me to thinking that God was steps ahead of the disciples.  He had to work in the heart of the owner of the house.  Had to place in his heart to get that room ready.  He may not have even known why he was doing it.  God also had to get the man carrying the jar of water to the right place at the right time. 
Why do we think that things are out of control?  It was a time for me to stop and reflect on the fact that everything is being worked out for us.  It may not be how we perceive it should be, but God is in control.  Let me say that again.  GOD IS IN CONTROL.  He is in control of the big things and the little things. 
God was working out the big plan of his son being sacrificed on the cross.  In doing so, he was also orchestrating the little things to ensure that his will would be done. 
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just rest in the knowledge of this fact?  God can handle it.  He is not going to make a mistake.  I woke up with a verse in my heart this morning.  I think it sums it all up.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Today

This is the day that they Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

What if we really did this?  What if just for one day, we recognized that the Lord has made today and today will will rejoice and find his goodness in it.  Just for one day, we find the good in flawed people.  Just for one day, we count our blessings.  Do you think we could make it an entire day?  I think it will be hard.   But, for today, I will keep this verse in my heart and I will meditate on it. 
Today, this normal and mundane day, is the day that the Lord has given me.  May, I see Jesus in everything I do and may I see the love that Jesus has for each person that I come into contact with today!

One Simple Question

I was reading in Mark this morning and was given a nugget that I feel most people often overlook.  I was reading the accounts of Jesus in chapter 10.  Two times in this chapter do people stop Jesus for a specific reason.  Two times, Jesus turns to them and asks one simple question. 
Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him.  "Teacher," they said, "we want you to do for us whatever we ask."  "What do you want me to do for you?" he (Jesus) asked.  Mark 10: 35-36
Jesus stopped and said, "Call him."  So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up!  On your feet!  He is calling you."  Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.  "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. Mark 10: 49-51
In the first scenario, the disciples want Jesus to grant them the right to sit and his left and right side in glory.  Jesus who is all-knowing, knew what they wanted when they approached.  Yet, he wanted to hear it from their own lips.  In this case, Jesus' answer was NO. 
In the second scenario, there was a blind man named Bartimaeus.  He called out for Jesus to have mercy on him so many times that the crowd told him to shut up.  But, Jesus heard and had compassion.  He told him to come to him and then he asked the same question.  Now, don't you think it was obvious what this man wanted?  But still, Jesus wanted to hear it from him.  In this case, Jesus' answer was YES. 
Different people, different requests, and different answers.  The only thing they had in common is that Jesus wanted them to present their requests to them.  What do you want me to do for you?
Maybe Jesus is just waiting for you to ask.  The answer may be YES, NO, or NOT NOW, but you will not know until you ask.  Just one simple question.  Today, may we just go to him and just ask!

Shrinking

Tomorrow I will be 4 months post surgery.  I wanted to share with you my new progress pictures.  I try to keep myself from being too critical.  I know I have a whole lot more to go, but I want to share with you the progress.
As of this week, I have lost 47% of my excess body weight.  I am almost half way to my goal.  I have lost 57 pounds and a ton of inches.  I am down 2 pants sizes and 3 dress sizes. 
I am having a hard time mentally catching up to where I am physically.  I look in the mirror and I see some small changes, but still can't see anything drastic.  I know it must be a distorted view because of all the amazing feedback that I am getting. 
I want to thank every single one of you that has given me encouragement.  The comments to my blog, the text messages, and the prayers mean more than I can even say.  I love you all so much!
Most of all, I want to again give God the glory in this.  He has taught me so much and every day I am learning more.  He deserves all the praise for both my physical and my spiritual transformation in the last 4 months. 
Well, here are the dreaded pictures.  I hope you guys realize how hard this is to post these things every couple of months.  I still shudder when I have to look at them.  They are my beginning photos followed by my pictures taken this morning.

My Comforter

Yesterday, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.  After I received the phone call, with tears streaming down my face, I entered the kitchen.  I opened the cabinet and the fridge.  What was going to give me comfort?  I was looking for something that fill me and comfort me.  Of course, my old pattern returned.  I was looking for comfort from food.  Searching for brownies, ice cream, cookies, or anything else that could make me feel better. 
But, as I stood there, I remembered that I couldn't do that anymore.  I would become sick with the sweets.  I couldn't fill myself because there is no room in my stomach anymore. I can no longer sit down with the pan of brownies and drown my sorrows in the moist chocolaty heaven.  This is one of the times that I count my blessings of this surgery.  Even though I wanted to return to my old ways, the surgery was preventing me from doing so.  For that I say, Praise God.
Now, I am ashamed of myself that I didn't turn to God first.  My first real test of where my priorities lie and I still turned to food.  Why did I think that food was going to make it all better?  Take away the worry and fear that was plaguing me.  I know better.
I realized I was going to have to deal with my emotions.  I was going to have to process them, talk about them, and put them to rest.  This is a strange process that I have had to learn how to do.  It is not in my nature to conquer these emotions.  I innately want to run from them and avoid them at all costs. 
It wasn't until much later in the evening that I realized I needed to turn to the Lord for my comfort(I am so ashamed to say this).  But, when I did, I found a peace.  A peace that as a family, we are going to work through this.  A peace, that Daddy is in safe hands.  That the Lord is going to be there every step of the way.  No matter what the future holds for Daddy, God is in control.  There is where my comfort lies. 
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  2 Corinthians 1:3&4

He is That Good

I want to share a little converstation that Bryan and I had on the way to church yesterday.  It went like this.
Me:  I really want to be out of the 250's.
Bryan:  Maybe you will lose 4 pounds this week.
Me:  Yeah right!  God is good, but he isn't THAT good!
And we both giggled.
Now, fast forward to this morning.  The dreaded scale day.  I was really worried that I wasn't going to lose any weight.  In fact, it is still something that I struggle with weekly.  My relationship with the scale has not changed during the last four months.  I still loath those few seconds that it takes for my weight to come up.  I still have anxiety every time I have to weigh.  Scared to death of what the numbers will say.  I haven't really grasped the reality of my surgery.  I still don't trust that it is going to do the job and I am going to lose weight!  Isn't that crazy!
So, anyway, I get on the scale and flashing before me is 249!  All I could do is say, "Oh My" over and over.  Bryan said, "Oh no, is it that bad."  Then he came to look and we both had to giggle in amazement.  HMMM....GOD IS THAT GOOD!
I like to think that God used this situation to prove to me yet again that he wants to bless us.  The blessings may not be big, but they are there. 
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.  Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.  Psalm 34:8 &9
Are you like me?  Do you think that you aren't "good enough" for the Lord to bestow his blessings upon you?  When will we learn.  It isn't about being good enough.  It is about the Lord's unending love.  Even if we don't feel like it, we are loveable. 
So today, this verse explains how I feel.  Praise him at all times!
I wll extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.  My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.  Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together!  Psalm 34: 1-3
Will you join me today in praising our Lord?  Can you look to your life and find a blessing that the Lord has bestowed upon you?  No matter how big or small, he still deserves our praise! 

Quality Over Quantity

The other day, I was having a hard time with not being able to eat a meal anymore.  How I basically just get to eat the meat and nothing else.  I had posted a question on a forum for people that have had a VSG to see if anyone else had ever felt that way.  One of the post back to me told me I needed to stop focus on the quantity of food and focus on the quality of food.  It really made me stop and think.  I realized that I needed to stop dwelling on the fact that I could only have 5-6 bites of something and start dwelling on how GOOD those 5-6 bites were!
Since then QUALITY OVER QUANTITY has been running through my brain.  I realized that it is the same lesson that Bryan was trying to get me to understand when it comes to serving the Lord.  You see, we had been stretching ourselves very thin at church.  Trying to serve in too many areas and weren't being successful in most of them.  He made me give up a lot of responsibility at church.  Told me we need to focus on the one thing that we knew God had called us to do.  That is love our children in our Sunday School class with all our hearts!  Oh, how hard it was for me to walk away from all that I was doing.  But, now I am starting to get it.  Sometimes, we can get so busy doing things for the Lord, that we are not focused on giving any one thing our all. 
Then, this morning I was reading the accounts of Jesus written by Mark.  He was describing how busy they had been.  Preaching the gospel and healing the sick.  It was so crazy that they didn't even have time to eat.  The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught.  Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have time to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."  Mark 6:30-31
It made me stop and think about how we try to cram our time in with the Lord(if we even accomplish it at all) into our busy day.  But Jesus said to come with him to a quiet place.  QUALITY OVER QUANTITY.  In order to find peace and rest in the Lord, we have to spend some quality time with him.  He doesn't care how long you pour over the bible if you are only doing it to check it off your to- do list.  He wants you to take some time to be ALONE with him.  To find some time with him when it is just you and your savior.  A time when you can concentrate on adoring your God and praising him.
I just can't help but wonder how our relationship with the Lord would change if we started focusing on quality instead of quantity. 

Identity Crisis

I am having somewhat of an identity crisis.  Not really sure of  "who I am" anymore.  Life has changed so much in the last few months.  I am no longer connected to food the way I used to be.  That has been coming back to haunt me in the last few days.  Again, feeling the loss of food as a companion.  It is not something that I expected.  I thought I had that settled. 
Also, I am having a hard time with Eleanor being in school.  I no longer have a preschooler to take care of every day.  I never really understood how quickly I clung to the job of "Mother".  Now, I know I am still a mother, but my role has completely changed.  No longer is Eleanor in my charge every moment of every day.  So, what am I now.  I am a housewife, I guess.  My days are filled with cleaning, running errands, and waiting for my girl to get off the bus.  I feel like my life is in limbo between the hours of 7 and 3. 
Now, before you even ask or suggest, I will not be getting a job.  Bryan and I have prayed and discussed this and we do not feel like it is where God wants me.  But even so, I am having a hard time now that my primary role is shifting. 
I think with this shift and with the journey losing this weight, I don't seem to know who I am.  I do know who I am in the eyes of our Lord, and that is what I am clinging to.  I guess in the long run, that is the only thing that matters. 
But, I can't help but wonder what the new Mary will be like when I emerge from this identity crisis. 

Some of you have been wanting to see updated pictures of me(the ones that don't get to see me on a regular basis.).  I put these jeans on this morning and Bryan said "woozers".   I have lost 13 inches in my thighs and only 3 in my waist, so I am in limbo of not being able to by a smaller pair of pants even though the legs look like tents! 

New "biggest loser" style picture will be coming in a couple of weeks.  :) 

Just Believe

In Mark, chapter 5 recounts a story of a man named Jairus.  He was a synagogue ruler who had a 12 year old little girl that was very sick.  He saw Jesus and fell at his feet and pleaded with him to heal her.  Jesus agreed and off they went, side by side, to Jairus' house. On the way, some men came and told Jairus that his daughter was dead.
Stop right there.  What would your reaction be?  Can you feel the devestation in that father's heart?  He was just a little to late.  His miracle was on the way, but it wasn't in time.  Can you imagine the pain of hearing those word, "your daughter is dead"?
Now, listen to what Jesus says.  Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Do not be afraid; just believe." Mark 5:36
Oh the sweet words of Jesus.  Let it settle in your heart.  I know so many of you are struggling with  unthinkable situations.  Situations that seem hopeless and you are afraid.  Don't let the fear overwhelm you.  Just believe.  Believe in your Jesus.  Trust that he is going to bring you through.
Jairus did just that.  He kept walking with Jesus.  All the way to face the situation at his home.  A situation of commotion with people crying and wailing.  Can you imagine how hard it was for Jairus to just keep going.  To hold on to hope and not give up.  He was just told that his child was dead!
Now, in the end, Jairus' daughter was brought back to life.  She was healed.  I don't believe that God will always provide a miracle, but I do believe that God will always walk with you all the way through every difficult situation.  Trust in his simple words.  Do not be afraid, just believe. 

Why Don't We Follow

In Mark chapter 1 the people were so amazed by Jesus that the news of him spread quickly over the whole region of Galilee (vs 27 and 28).  Remember this is a time when there was no way to do mass emails or text or twitter all your friends at one time.  They were so amazed that his name and what he was doing was the topic of their conversations.  It was all the "buzz". It was all they could talk about. 
Once the word got out about Jesus, people started following after him.  Excited to get a glimpse of this man.  Hoping that their loved one could be healed.  Praying that they got to hear him speak.  Again, this is in a time that there was no easy way to get somewhere.  They would have to take days off from laboring and working.  Leaving it all behind, in a day when your mere survival depended on what you had done that day.  They had no cabinets of food in reserve.  They didn't have cars that would allow them to make a quick trip out to see this man. 
The whole town gathered at the door... Mark 1:33
Everyone is looking for you!  Mark 1:37
So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them.  Mark 2:2
Once again Jesus went out beside the lake.  A large crowd came to him and he began to teach them.  Mark 2:13
Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat.  Mark 3:20
The people couldn't get enough of Jesus.  Why is it today that we can't even make time for him?  That we find him so boring that we can't even etch out a few minutes of our day to spend with him.  We walk away from him day after day.  Too busy to be bothered by him. 
He is still the same today as he was those thousands of years ago.  Yet, we don't see the need for him.  We should be amazed day in and day out by the Son of God.  We should drop everything, just to be in his presence.  We should figure out a way just to get near to him.  But, yet we walk away every day.  We find things that we think are more important to fill our time.  Don't you see, there is NOTHING that is more important.   Why don't we long to be with him?  What has gone wrong?  Why don't we see the importance of an encounter with our Savior? 
All it took was for the people to have one encounter with the Lord and their life was forever changed.  Have you had that encounter?  One that will change you?  One that will make you stop what you are doing and follow him?  Because, if you have truly met my Lord, then you can't stay the same.

Hey Jude!

I don't ever remember reading Jude before.  But, I think he is on to something. 
For certain men whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you.  They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord.  Jude 4
Two things here.  These are not godless people living out in the world with no claim to Jesus.  They are people among us in the church.  And what do they do?  They use the grace that was given to us on the cross as an excuse to keep on sinning.
Are you one of the people that Jude calls godless?  I admit I have been one.  Living the christian life for so many years.  Not really worrying about my sins because I knew they were taken care of.  Just as Jude says, that grace gave me the license to keep on sinning, because I knew I was forgiven.  I kept on sinning in my eating habits, through the words of my mouth, through the actions of my heart.  Using the excuse of "I am only human or God made me this way".  Thinking to myself that God knows I am going to sin, that is why there is grace.
Shame on me.  That is no way to live.  How about living life instead of aiming to be Christ-like and knowing all the while that we will never achieve it.  Praising God for grace every time we stumble. 
That is how life should be lived.  Not, by saying "Whoops!  I did it again.  Oh well, at least there is grace."  But, by saying, "I did it again, Lord.  Please help mold me so that I may learn not to sin in this way.".  Isn't that the way it should be?

Boasting In the Wrong Things

There has been a word stuck in my head since early this morning.  BOAST  It means to glorify oneself with speech, or simply put, to brag.  My quiet time this morning revealed that boasting is of the world and does not come from the Father.
Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not with him.  For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes, and the boasting of what he has and does- comes not from the Father but from the world.  1 John 2:15&16
I am convicted this morning that I boast a lot.  You can check out my Facebook page and probably see boast after boast.  Look at who I am hanging out with.  Look at what new and exciting thing I got.  Look at what my cute kid just did.  Look at the awesome vacation that I just took.  Look at me, look at me.  Look at all that I have and all that I have done. 
All that "me, me, me" stuff is not of the Lord.  In fact, John states that it is of the world and if we do it, then we are not of the Father.  Serious stuff, huh?  Just another reminder on how much we mess up.  I am convinced that the people that think they have this Christian thing all worked out and they are doing just fine in their walk with the Lord, need to rethink their position.  It is impossible to be who we need to be in Christ.  That is why the gift of grace is so crazy awesome!! 
We sing a song in church that says "I will boast in the Lord my God.  I will boast in the one who's worthy".  God is the only one who is worthy of our boasts.  Yet, daily, we feel the need to let everyone know how great we have it and how awesome our lives our.  I am reminded today that nothing in my life will ever measure up to God.  How silly I am to think that any of it even matters. 

Stop Picking on Me

Do you ever feel like God is picking on you?  Do you wonder why you are having to face so many trials when the "bad people" seem to get off so easy?  I had a conversation with a dear friend the other day about this very thing.  She is not going through one trial, but many at the same time.  It is hard to understand why in the world the Lord would just keep piling on the the difficulties when all you are doing is trying to come up for air. 
I face this a lot in the matter of infertility.  When I see mothers murdering their children or when I read a book like Unplanned that is all about women getting abortions at an astounding rate,  I often cry out to God and wonder why in the world he wouldn't give Bryan and I another child.  When we would raise that child in a Christian home and love that child, why would he allow the "bad people" to be blessed and not us.
Peter tells us why we go through trials like this.  ...though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  1 Peter 1:6-7
The first thing we need to understand is that we are suffering so that our faith can be proved genuine.  It is only through trials that our true self is revealed.  When put in difficult situations, how are we going to react.  Are we going to get mad and turn away from God or are we going to embrace his loving kindness and cling to him?
Secondly, we go through this so that in the end, Jesus may receive all the praise, glory, and honor.  We may not understand it until Jesus comes back to reveal the glory of our salvation, but at some point, all our suffering will point to Jesus. 
It is so hard to go through trials and understand the "why" of it all.  A loved one is taken away from us, a job is lost, a dream is destroyed, or a marriage falls apart.  How in the world would these things bring praise and honor to our Lord?  I don't quite understand it all, but I do know this.  We are witnesses to this world.  When we do go through these trials, the eyes of the world are watching.  Are we going to stand true to our beliefs or turn away from the God we love.  The trial will show our true beliefs. 

Ineffective and Unproductive

So we all know the list of qualities that Paul gives us in Galatians 5.  The fruit of the spirit are plastered all over mugs, plaques, and pictures.  But, often the list of qualities that Peter gives us are overlooked.   Peter gives us the list of faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love.  I love what Peter has to say after he lists these things.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But anyone who does not have them, he is near-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.   1 Peter 1:8 & 9
There are a lot of times that I pray for certain qualities in this list.  I find myself thinking, "once I have them, I am good".  But, look at what Peter says.  We need to have them in increasing measure.  Once again, I am reminded that we are never "done" as Christians.  We have never arrived. 
I am encouraged to know that God will always have something to teach me.  I will always have knowledge to gain.  I can always learn to love others more.  Everyone knows that I can always stand to gain a little more patience. 
Peter also says that we have to do something.  We have to make EVERY EFFORT to add these things to our life.  God is really driving home the fact that I have to work at my relationship with him.  Look at verse 9 above.  If we aren't striving for them, then we have lost sight of the forgiveness that we have been given.  There is no such thing as being a casual christian.  If we truly grasp what the Lord has done for us, our lives will be changed.  We will be serious in adding to your faith, goodness, and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control, and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.  1 Peter 1: 5-7

Worn Out

Let me tell you, I am worn out.  Two weeks into this school routine and all I want is to sleep in like the "good ol' days".  I know if I am exhausted, then I can't imagine what these kids are feeling!  Routines are good, but I would prefer them to be able to start around 7:30 instead of 6 o'clock in the morning. 
As I opened my bible this morning, I was wishing that Starbucks delivered.  I am laughing at myself now, because I don't know why I didn't just go make myself a cup in my kitchen.  I guess that is just proof of how tired I was.
Matthew was the source of my comfort this morning.  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30
There is so much good stuff in those two little verses.  First, we climb up in our Savior's lap and find comfort and rest .  Remember when we were little and could climb into our parent's lap and feel that instant peace and comfort?  That is how I imagine this verse in my mind's eye.  It makes me smile.
Then, Jesus talks about taking on his yoke.  I don't instantly connect a yoke with rest.  A yoke is used with cattle to help them during working the fields.  I see an ox with his head hung low and burdened with the weight of the plow.  That is how we are when we try to take on our struggles by ourselves.  But, praise the Lord, when we allow for our struggles to be handled by Jesus, our yoke becomes light.  We learn to handle the circumstances with gentleness and our souls will find rest. 
I am not dealing with any major struggles right now, but this is a reminder that it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, we need to give them over to Jesus.  We need to learn find rest and comfort in him.  Peace in your soul goes a long way in making each day easier to deal with.  So today, I am just going to snuggle up to my Lord and enjoy the peace that comes along with it. 

The Birthday Cake

Yesterday was Bryan's birthday.  The birthday cake was my biggest fear.  Would I give in and eat it?  Would it really matter if I did?  When it came time to cut the cake, my anxiety was high.  My drug was right in front of me.  I haven't had dessert of any kind in 3 months.  The moment was here, do I walk away or eat it and risk the addiction coming back in full force. Sounds crazy doesn't it.  You would assume that I was talking about cocaine and not cake.  But that is the effect that it has on me.
I am proud to say that I walked away.  I didn't even lick the icing off my fingers.  In fact, I headed straight to the sink to wash it off like it was poison.  It was 3 minutes of temptation and then it was over. 
Bryan and I were talking this morning about how far I have come in 3 months.  How much God has taught me. Three months ago, the evening would have played out totally different.  It would have gone two ways.  I would have either indulged myself in a huge piece of cake(not to mention a huge meal or even possibly eaten with no regard all day because it was a celebration day) or I would have denied myself and been angry at my family because I couldn't have the cake.
If I would have denied myself I would have been consumed by the thought of the cake all day.   Consumed with the desire for it.  Consumed by the thought of what I was missing.  There would have been a major war going on within me just to eat it.  And honestly, I would have finally given in.  There was no control when the desire for that forbidden food was in front of me.
Now, I know there is a season for everything.  That all food is permissible, but it may not always be beneficial.  I know I am allowed to eat that cake if I want to.  But I also know, that it could have possibly gotten me so off course that it was not worth me taking a bite.  God has conditioned me in the last few months to realize that food is just food.  It can not be the master of my life or my thoughts.
It was evident last night of just how far God has brought this crazy food addict. 
I love what I found in Matthew this morning.  Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? .....Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.   Matthew 6:25 and 33
On my three month anniversary, this is where God has led me.  I see that life is more important that food.  It no longer controls my day, my mood, or my decisions.  I know seek God and his righteousness. 
It is amazing to see that step by step, and moment by moment, God is molding me into a beautiful creature that is living for him. 
As of this morning, I have lost 46 pounds.  Glory to God in the highest for the work that is being done in me!  Today, I will praise the Lord for bringing me out of captivity.

Fear the Lord

Well, you see this phrase "fear the Lord" over and over in the bible.  But what does that really mean.  Should I be trembling in my boots?  Should I hide under the covers when I pray?
For example, Psalm 103 says that those who fear the Lord, he will show them compassion and abounding love.  Okay, I want that.  What do I do?
I came across a great description in the book Going Public by David and Kelli Pritchard(a GREAT book about how your child can thrive in a public school and be raised in a christian family).  They said that to fear the Lord, you need to ask yourself these questions.  "What does God think about this?"  "What is his take on this matter?"  Then, we need to proceed with the truth that is given to us from his word. 
I have been trying this out for a couple of days.  With big and small decisions.  And man, let me tell you, it is rocking my world. 
To fear the Lord is to put him first and to do what he would want us to do in EVERY situation.
This insight has been big for me.  Life changing, you might say.

Psalm 91

When I was a young child,  I would often be awoken by the feeling of evil presence all around me.  Mom and I would spend lots of time praying and singing until I would finally feel at peace and would be able to fall back to sleep.  As I got older, I can remember saying the name of Jesus aloud over and over again, until the peace of the Lord would again overcome the evil presence and I would be able to sleep.  I still have these episodes, but not as frequently. 
Psalm 91 has a special place in my heart because it talks about the constant protection that God gives those that dwell in his shelter.
I have a picture hung in Eleanor's room(that was once hung in my room) that depicts a young boy sleeping and a warrior angel standing over him.  His protective wings spread wide.  The verse below it is this.  For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.  Psalm 91:11
It has always been a comfort to me to know that there are angels that are protecting me and those I love.  There are spiritual forces that are doing as God commands. 
But, as much as I love that verse, I think verses 4-6 has spoken to my heart even more in these past few days.  He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 
This gives me such comfort to know that Eleanor is safe under the wings of my Lord.  Oh, how that makes my heart sing.  Does it yours?  As much control that I have lost in the past week, my Lord is still in control.  He is still in the business of taking care of his flock.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust"  Psalm 91:1-2
I encourage you to read Psalm 91.  It is filled with unchanging promises that God  is faithful even through the dangers and heartaches of this fallen world.  All we must do is willfully put ourselves under God's care and protection.  We must realize that we can't do it ourselves.  Just like everything else I have been learning.  Each day, we have to make the choice to let God be in control. 

Rules for Young Mothers

...train younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.  Titus 2:4b-5
There are two things that jump out at me this morning that I need to work on.  I need to be self-controlled and busy at home. 
Let's talk about being self-controlled.  This is something that Paul talks about a lot in his letters to both the churches and to his fellow missionaries.  He states that we need to LEARN to be self-controlled.  This is something that I once thought would just be formed in you, not something that you had to practice.  I don't know why I thought that, I just did.  I thought most of the fruits of the spirit would just appear in you if you were following Christ. I am seeing know that they are disciplines that have to be PRACTICED and with God's strength will be formed in you. 
Okay, so self-control is a hard one for me(it just takes one look at me or a few minutes in my presence to know this).  I have a hard time controlling my mouth, my desires, my actions, and my thoughts.  I mean, I say what I think.  I eat what I want.  I do what I want.  And, if I am completely honest, I often let my thoughts go unchecked.  So, what is this thing of self-control?  I have to learn to give myself daily to trying to keep all these things in check.  I have to be conscious of what I put into my mouth as far as food.  I have to bite my tongue and not always say everything I am thinking.  I have to stop and think before I do something.  I need to make sure what I say, do and think are going to be honoring to the Lord.  Whew...that is a full time job right there!!!  I know this fruit is going to take a LONG LONG time to develop.  But, I must keep at it.
Secondly, I need to keep busy at home.  This is never more true for me then right now.  With Eleanor off to school, I will have more time on my hands.  It is time to step it up a notch and get back to my cleaning schedule. (Yes, I have a schedule of certain things that need to get done on certain days.  It is even on my fridge for me to see, but it often gets ignored).  So, I understand the busy part.  But, lets talk about the "at home" part.  Do I really need to be running all around each day?  Do I need to be spending more time making my house a home?  Do I need to be content to stop running and spending money all the time?  Hmmmm...something I have never considered.  Maybe, I need to dwell on that aspect a little more.  It hurts a little to think about.  But, it may be true.  Keep busy AT HOME(not just keep busy). 
Well, I think that is enough for me to focus on for awhile, don't you!  Man, I prayed that God would take me out of my comfort zone and challenge me today.  I think I got it!