I love to go to the school early on the days that I eat lunch with Eleanor. It gives me a chance to observe her on the playground without her being aware that I am watching. I get to see a different Eleanor than I see at home. More often than not, I come way feeling sad. Why, you ask? It is because she doesn't have the childhood that I had. She doesn't go about life the way that I do.
Eleanor is a loner. Most of the times , I watch her playing by herself. She isn't like the other little girls that cluster together. She doesn't swarm to from one play thing to another with all the other girls her age. She does her own thing.
Today was no different, but I came away with a different perspective Every time that I have observed before, I assumed that she was unhappy or that something was wrong with the situation. Today, a small voice in my head reminded me that recess is always Eleanor's favorite part of the day. So, I looked a little closer. What I saw was a very happy little girl. She skipped and climbed. She swung high on the swing. All the time with a huge smile on her face. My child was happy in her own existence.
I was reminded that God made her perfect. He formed her personality. It is my job as a mom to allow that personality to bloom. So, what does it matter that her way isn't like my way. Eleanor is a happy little introvert. She doesn't feel like she is missing out on anything. She doesn't sit on the sidelines and watch all the other girls. She is living her life to the fullest.
What an eye opener for me. One of those "mom moments" that will be tucked away in my heart. The moment that I realized that it is okay to be a loner. It is okay not to have a swarm of friends. God made us all different and there is a place on the playground for us all.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Axehead
For those who know my mother, you know that she is a prayer warrior. I learned at a very young age to pray and to pray over everything. We prayed for the big things, but we also prayed for the small things.
When money was tight, we prayed before we headed to the store to buy a pair of shoes. We would pray that we would find the pair of shoes for the right price.
When an object would go missing in our home, we would stop and have an impromptu prayer service in the living room. We would pray that the Lord would lead us to the object.
When we were tired in the morning, we prayed for strength for the day.
We prayed and we prayed often.
Over the years, I have had a lot of people, even pastors, scoff at the praying over shoes. As if it was a bad thing to bother the Lord with such small issues. Often asking if God really cared if you found a pair of black dress shoes for $15.
Well, I found proof that he does! I nearly did a happy dance when I came across the story of the floating axehead in 2 Kings. In chapter 6, there is a pause in the story of Elisha to tell this story. Here is my paraphrase:
A group of prophets told Elisha that they thought their meeting place was too small. They wanted to build a bigger place. He told them to go for it and they invited him on the trip to gather the trees for building. While they were cutting down trees, one of the men's axehead fell into the water and of course it sank. The man cried out to God. He was upset because the axehead was borrowed. Elisha, working on behalf of God, asked him where is fell. Elisha proceeded to work a miracle to retrieve the axehead. God allowed that axehead to float!
Now, up until this point, Elisha had been prophesying to show people that God was real and that he was in control. Most of the time miracles like this would be preformed to prove to unbelievers that there was a God.
Not in this story. They were all believers. God had nothing to prove, but God heard the cry of one of his own and came to the rescue. I mean, it was an axehead! Yeah, the guy would have been in trouble for losing the borrowed axehead, but it wasn't the end of the world. This was a very small thing for the Lord to worry about.
It just makes me smile to read this story. God really does care about those small things that we pray about. He does hear and he does answer. He really does come to our rescue when we are searching high and low for that lost cell phone!
Take comfort in the fact that God does hear each and every prayer that is offered up to him. Nothing is too small for him to step in and help out. Not even an axehead!
When money was tight, we prayed before we headed to the store to buy a pair of shoes. We would pray that we would find the pair of shoes for the right price.
When an object would go missing in our home, we would stop and have an impromptu prayer service in the living room. We would pray that the Lord would lead us to the object.
When we were tired in the morning, we prayed for strength for the day.
We prayed and we prayed often.
Over the years, I have had a lot of people, even pastors, scoff at the praying over shoes. As if it was a bad thing to bother the Lord with such small issues. Often asking if God really cared if you found a pair of black dress shoes for $15.
Well, I found proof that he does! I nearly did a happy dance when I came across the story of the floating axehead in 2 Kings. In chapter 6, there is a pause in the story of Elisha to tell this story. Here is my paraphrase:
A group of prophets told Elisha that they thought their meeting place was too small. They wanted to build a bigger place. He told them to go for it and they invited him on the trip to gather the trees for building. While they were cutting down trees, one of the men's axehead fell into the water and of course it sank. The man cried out to God. He was upset because the axehead was borrowed. Elisha, working on behalf of God, asked him where is fell. Elisha proceeded to work a miracle to retrieve the axehead. God allowed that axehead to float!
Now, up until this point, Elisha had been prophesying to show people that God was real and that he was in control. Most of the time miracles like this would be preformed to prove to unbelievers that there was a God.
Not in this story. They were all believers. God had nothing to prove, but God heard the cry of one of his own and came to the rescue. I mean, it was an axehead! Yeah, the guy would have been in trouble for losing the borrowed axehead, but it wasn't the end of the world. This was a very small thing for the Lord to worry about.
It just makes me smile to read this story. God really does care about those small things that we pray about. He does hear and he does answer. He really does come to our rescue when we are searching high and low for that lost cell phone!
Take comfort in the fact that God does hear each and every prayer that is offered up to him. Nothing is too small for him to step in and help out. Not even an axehead!
Friday, August 10, 2012
To be Perfectly Honest
I am actually very scared to put this out there in fear of the backlash that may come. But, if I want to continue to be honest with you all, I need to share so you guys can know how to pray for me. So I am going to risk sounding like a person with a complete eating disorder and write this blog.
After the year that I have had, I am having a really hard time with the amount of food that I am supposed/need to eat and also with gaining weight needed to have a healthy pregnancy.
The fact that I am having to eat at an almost constant pace throughout the day to consume the amount of calories that are needed terrifies me. What if I get used to eating all this food? What if it becomes a habit that I can't break when this pregnancy is over? There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when a person who has had weight loss surgery gets pregnant. You lose some of the restriction you once had in your stomach. It is very frightening to once be able to only consume a half of a sandwich and overnight being able to eat the whole thing. I am scared to death, even though I am told otherwise, that the restriction won't come back.
Then there is that dang scale. Oh, it is my enemy. The first few months of my pregnancy were great. I continued to lose weight and all was well. But in the last two months, that number has started creeping up. Now, I am only talking about 4 pounds. Crazy huh? I am still in the "negative" from where I started this pregnancy, but that number going up from any point is more than I can handle some days. I struggle with the feeling that I am doing what I have always done. Taking off the weight only to put it back on again.
I know it sounds so bad. I know you are shaking your head at me and probably think that I need therapy. But, I am really struggling. I will do what ever is necessary to ensure that this baby is healthy. I know that means that I need to continue to eat and gain weight. I just don't know how to deal with the emotional side of this. It is very hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I see fat instead of a baby bump. I just never knew that it would be this hard to handle the diet and weight gain portion of it all! So, think what you may, but please be kind to me. I don't need criticism. I know how horrible it is for me to feel this way. But, I have always been 100% real on this blog and I feel like I should continue to be. This is a real part of life after weight loss surgery. Because of that, I will share.
After the year that I have had, I am having a really hard time with the amount of food that I am supposed/need to eat and also with gaining weight needed to have a healthy pregnancy.
The fact that I am having to eat at an almost constant pace throughout the day to consume the amount of calories that are needed terrifies me. What if I get used to eating all this food? What if it becomes a habit that I can't break when this pregnancy is over? There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when a person who has had weight loss surgery gets pregnant. You lose some of the restriction you once had in your stomach. It is very frightening to once be able to only consume a half of a sandwich and overnight being able to eat the whole thing. I am scared to death, even though I am told otherwise, that the restriction won't come back.
Then there is that dang scale. Oh, it is my enemy. The first few months of my pregnancy were great. I continued to lose weight and all was well. But in the last two months, that number has started creeping up. Now, I am only talking about 4 pounds. Crazy huh? I am still in the "negative" from where I started this pregnancy, but that number going up from any point is more than I can handle some days. I struggle with the feeling that I am doing what I have always done. Taking off the weight only to put it back on again.
I know it sounds so bad. I know you are shaking your head at me and probably think that I need therapy. But, I am really struggling. I will do what ever is necessary to ensure that this baby is healthy. I know that means that I need to continue to eat and gain weight. I just don't know how to deal with the emotional side of this. It is very hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I see fat instead of a baby bump. I just never knew that it would be this hard to handle the diet and weight gain portion of it all! So, think what you may, but please be kind to me. I don't need criticism. I know how horrible it is for me to feel this way. But, I have always been 100% real on this blog and I feel like I should continue to be. This is a real part of life after weight loss surgery. Because of that, I will share.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Trust and Obey
We got word yesterday that it is a real possibility that Bryan may lose his job in the next month or so. I don't want to be too dramatic about this. There is a possibility that it may all work itself out and that he will be able to find the funding to continue where he his now. But, for the first time in our marriage, we had to have that hard talk about the future. It is uncertain and it is scary. So much more scary with a baby on the way.
I have had waves of calmness and waves of tears throughout the day. I know that God is in control. I know that at the right moment, God is going to step in and direct our paths. So, as of right now, all we can do as pray.
As I was praying today in my most sacred place, the shower, God didn't impress upon me a scripture but a song. A song that soothed all the worry. A song that gave me a course of action in this time of waiting.
Trust and Obey
For there is no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey
So simple. Right now I just need to trust. Trust that God has a perfect plan in store for us. Trust that the answer is going to come at the right time. Trust that this circumstance did not come as a surprise to my God.
Then, when the answer comes, we will need to obey. The answer might be a new job in town or across country. It might just be that this was simply a trial of our faith and no action will be required. I just know that what ever it will be, that we need to be able to obey.
Just join with me that this will not result in me having to move to Albuquerque, NM. For some reason, that seems like a death sentence to me! Seeing that Bryan's job is so specialized that there are only 5 or 6 cities in the country that we could move, it is a real fear! I much prefer my nice little home in Madison! So when you think about it, whisper a prayer for our future.
I have had waves of calmness and waves of tears throughout the day. I know that God is in control. I know that at the right moment, God is going to step in and direct our paths. So, as of right now, all we can do as pray.
As I was praying today in my most sacred place, the shower, God didn't impress upon me a scripture but a song. A song that soothed all the worry. A song that gave me a course of action in this time of waiting.
Trust and Obey
For there is no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey
So simple. Right now I just need to trust. Trust that God has a perfect plan in store for us. Trust that the answer is going to come at the right time. Trust that this circumstance did not come as a surprise to my God.
Then, when the answer comes, we will need to obey. The answer might be a new job in town or across country. It might just be that this was simply a trial of our faith and no action will be required. I just know that what ever it will be, that we need to be able to obey.
Just join with me that this will not result in me having to move to Albuquerque, NM. For some reason, that seems like a death sentence to me! Seeing that Bryan's job is so specialized that there are only 5 or 6 cities in the country that we could move, it is a real fear! I much prefer my nice little home in Madison! So when you think about it, whisper a prayer for our future.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Example of What Not to Do
Bryan and I just had a discussion a couple of days ago about why I wasn't blogging anymore. Honestly, it was because God hadn't compelled me to write. Every word that has been typed on this blog has been by the urging of the Lord. I hadn't felt it, so I wasn't going to write just to fill up space.
Well today I have felt compelled to share what I have been learning about King Solomon. There are so many parallels between his life and mine. No, I have not been been made the wisest person in all the land, but I have been given wisdom. I don't have the riches and splendor that Solomon had, but I have been greatly blessed. I believe that I have found favor in the eyes of the Lord in the last year and I have been blessed beyond measure.
So, what can I learn through the story of Solomon. I see things that I should do and things that I should avoid. First, I need to remember to always point the praise toward God. When blessings come my way, when wisdom is shared or when prosperity is given all the praise and glory should go to my Lord. There never should be an instance when I become puffed up and proud because of something that I have done.
Solomon was very good at this. Every time he was blessed he praised the Lord. Every time he imparted wisdom into a situation, he gave the glory to God. Every time he succeeded on a grand scale(think of all he built and accomplished in his life) he would plead to the Lord to bless his accomplishments. A wonderful reminder that we should always be pointing praise back to the Lord. After all, we were made to glorify God in ALL we do and say.
Then comes Solomon's downfall. I believe that Solomon got complacent in "the good life". He got so used to all the wonderful things that God had given him that he began to forget that these things were actually gifts. Did he forget that the Lord gives and the Lord can take away?
In I Kings, 11:1 there is one word that stands out to me like it is in a neon flashing sign. HOWEVER. After many chapters describing Solomon's success, this word is used. It is the beginning of the end for Solomon. I don't want this word to follow in my story. The story of my success in overcoming addiction and then the blessing of a child that followed.
How did Solomon get there? As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God as the heart of David his father had been. 1 Kings 11:4 Slowly, over time, Solomon lost focus. His heart became divided between the things of this world and the one true God. Because of this, the Lord became angry with Solomon and began to strip away all of the blessings. His wisdom became a curse. His wives that he so loved became a burden. His peaceful rule was stripped away from him.
Oh Lord, may I learn a lesson from this! May I not become content and forget what you are doing in my life. May I always point everything back to you. What a good example of what to do and not to do. May I heed this warning.
Well today I have felt compelled to share what I have been learning about King Solomon. There are so many parallels between his life and mine. No, I have not been been made the wisest person in all the land, but I have been given wisdom. I don't have the riches and splendor that Solomon had, but I have been greatly blessed. I believe that I have found favor in the eyes of the Lord in the last year and I have been blessed beyond measure.
So, what can I learn through the story of Solomon. I see things that I should do and things that I should avoid. First, I need to remember to always point the praise toward God. When blessings come my way, when wisdom is shared or when prosperity is given all the praise and glory should go to my Lord. There never should be an instance when I become puffed up and proud because of something that I have done.
Solomon was very good at this. Every time he was blessed he praised the Lord. Every time he imparted wisdom into a situation, he gave the glory to God. Every time he succeeded on a grand scale(think of all he built and accomplished in his life) he would plead to the Lord to bless his accomplishments. A wonderful reminder that we should always be pointing praise back to the Lord. After all, we were made to glorify God in ALL we do and say.
Then comes Solomon's downfall. I believe that Solomon got complacent in "the good life". He got so used to all the wonderful things that God had given him that he began to forget that these things were actually gifts. Did he forget that the Lord gives and the Lord can take away?
In I Kings, 11:1 there is one word that stands out to me like it is in a neon flashing sign. HOWEVER. After many chapters describing Solomon's success, this word is used. It is the beginning of the end for Solomon. I don't want this word to follow in my story. The story of my success in overcoming addiction and then the blessing of a child that followed.
How did Solomon get there? As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God as the heart of David his father had been. 1 Kings 11:4 Slowly, over time, Solomon lost focus. His heart became divided between the things of this world and the one true God. Because of this, the Lord became angry with Solomon and began to strip away all of the blessings. His wisdom became a curse. His wives that he so loved became a burden. His peaceful rule was stripped away from him.
Oh Lord, may I learn a lesson from this! May I not become content and forget what you are doing in my life. May I always point everything back to you. What a good example of what to do and not to do. May I heed this warning.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Lessons from a Child
A few years ago, Eleanor began asking for a baby brother or sister. We took these opportunities to teach her about prayer. Each time she would ask, we would redirect her to pray about it. We would also temper our teaching with the fact that God sometimes says "No" and explain that even if she prayed for it, God may not give her what she is asking for.
As time went by, and Bryan and I silently struggled with infertility, Eleanor remained faithful. I would catch her whispering simple prayers to her Jesus as she played with her toys. She would bring it up and we would reminder her that the answer may not be what she wanted. She would also remind us to have faith by saying things like, "Just stick with the plan, Mom."
One day, right before school was out, Eleanor came home with an announcement. She said, "Mom, I was praying for a baby today in school and I think God said yes. I am not sure though, because Mrs. Stephan was talking." That sweet child had heard from God.
Yes, we were going to have a baby. A few days before this proclamation from my child, I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. Blood work had been done to confirm it and everything looked good.
I wanted to fall on my knees, scoop that child in my arms, and tell her right then that she had taught her mother an amazing lesson in faith. When Bryan and I didn't believe it would ever happen, our child lead us through with a firm childlike faith.
Yesterday, we saw that sweet little heartbeat and we got to share the excitement with Eleanor. Let me tell you, that girl is excited! What a lesson of prayer and faith that child has learned at an early age.
When I ran across the scripture above in Luke a few weeks ago, it struck a cord in my heart. You see, we couldn't have another baby. After several failed attempts at infertility treatments, we had given up. There seemed to be no way that it was going to happen. Five years had gone by. My Lord had different plans. He waited for us to throw up our hands in surrender. Then, He did what no drug or treatment could do. He created a life without help from medicine or doctors. He made my barren womb fruitful! Praise be unto God for this amazing gift! My heart overflows with such praise and gratitude. God did what only God could do and in his way and his timing.
So, we will happily welcome the fourth member of our family into this world in January 2013!!!
As time went by, and Bryan and I silently struggled with infertility, Eleanor remained faithful. I would catch her whispering simple prayers to her Jesus as she played with her toys. She would bring it up and we would reminder her that the answer may not be what she wanted. She would also remind us to have faith by saying things like, "Just stick with the plan, Mom."
One day, right before school was out, Eleanor came home with an announcement. She said, "Mom, I was praying for a baby today in school and I think God said yes. I am not sure though, because Mrs. Stephan was talking." That sweet child had heard from God.
Yes, we were going to have a baby. A few days before this proclamation from my child, I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. Blood work had been done to confirm it and everything looked good.
I wanted to fall on my knees, scoop that child in my arms, and tell her right then that she had taught her mother an amazing lesson in faith. When Bryan and I didn't believe it would ever happen, our child lead us through with a firm childlike faith.
When I ran across the scripture above in Luke a few weeks ago, it struck a cord in my heart. You see, we couldn't have another baby. After several failed attempts at infertility treatments, we had given up. There seemed to be no way that it was going to happen. Five years had gone by. My Lord had different plans. He waited for us to throw up our hands in surrender. Then, He did what no drug or treatment could do. He created a life without help from medicine or doctors. He made my barren womb fruitful! Praise be unto God for this amazing gift! My heart overflows with such praise and gratitude. God did what only God could do and in his way and his timing.
So, we will happily welcome the fourth member of our family into this world in January 2013!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
View from the Top
This past year, you all have joined me as I entered my valley of defeat and then began a very long hike up the mountain. It was so hard in the beginning. There were snares and the forest floor was thick with obstacles to overcome and sometimes it was hard to even find my way in the darkness. Over time, the trees became more sparse, the hiking became easier and at times I would even catch a glimpse of God's greatness and the sun would peak out and shine down on me. It was these moments, that kept me going.
Well, I am finally at the top of that mountain. The view is spectacular. I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the glorious, refreshing air. I feel the warmth of my Father's love like the sun on a cloudless day. As I stop and look back down the mountain, I can hardly believe that I made it up at all. I am reminded that it was step by step that got me here.
With this mountaintop experience, blessings beyond measure have been given to my family in the past couple of weeks. I will be honest, that life has been so good, that Bryan and I have actually been holding our breathe and waiting to trip and stumble back down this mountain. Almost as if we expect it all to be good to be true.
But, I am reminded today that there is a time and a season for everything. I have just been through a period of intense pruning and discipline. I know now that the Lord is giving me a time of rest. A time to allow my new growth to sprout and to blossom. A time to let that growth stretch towards the sunlight. So, I will sit for awhile on this mountain top. I will rest in peace that sometimes God does shower us with blessings that we don't deserve. That God does allow us a time to just enjoy life abundantly. On this mountain top, I will take the time to just be with my Lord. To rest and to praise Him.
Then, when the time comes, I will get up and begin the descent back into the valley. Yes, there will also be a time for me to leave this mountain top. There will always be valleys and mountaintops. I just have to learn to enjoy the view when I can. Not to second guess it. Not to be anxious about when the next valley might come about. Just live with my Lord, day by day, no matter where I am on that mountain.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laught,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time for hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Well, I am finally at the top of that mountain. The view is spectacular. I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the glorious, refreshing air. I feel the warmth of my Father's love like the sun on a cloudless day. As I stop and look back down the mountain, I can hardly believe that I made it up at all. I am reminded that it was step by step that got me here.
With this mountaintop experience, blessings beyond measure have been given to my family in the past couple of weeks. I will be honest, that life has been so good, that Bryan and I have actually been holding our breathe and waiting to trip and stumble back down this mountain. Almost as if we expect it all to be good to be true.
But, I am reminded today that there is a time and a season for everything. I have just been through a period of intense pruning and discipline. I know now that the Lord is giving me a time of rest. A time to allow my new growth to sprout and to blossom. A time to let that growth stretch towards the sunlight. So, I will sit for awhile on this mountain top. I will rest in peace that sometimes God does shower us with blessings that we don't deserve. That God does allow us a time to just enjoy life abundantly. On this mountain top, I will take the time to just be with my Lord. To rest and to praise Him.
Then, when the time comes, I will get up and begin the descent back into the valley. Yes, there will also be a time for me to leave this mountain top. There will always be valleys and mountaintops. I just have to learn to enjoy the view when I can. Not to second guess it. Not to be anxious about when the next valley might come about. Just live with my Lord, day by day, no matter where I am on that mountain.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laught,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time for love and a time for hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
A Year to be Remembered
Today marks a year gone by since my surgery. I can't believe how far I have come in what feels like such a short time. I was reading this morning and this is the scripture that stuck with me. Jesus was sending his disciples out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. This is what he told them to do.
Take nothing with you for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Luke 9:3
It struck me how this caused the disciples to have great faith and trust that the Lord was going to take care of them. That he would provide what was needed when it was needed. They were to simply follow and do what God instructed them to do. They were to give themselves whole-heartedly to what ever that might be.
I realized that this is what was required of me as well. In the beginning of this journey, all control was taken from me. I had to learn to live a new life with none of the resources that I had always had. I had to start over from what I call rock bottom. This is what was required of me to become 100% dependent on my Lord. Over and over, I would come to a place that I needed something, and the Lord always provided. Whether that need was physical or spiritual, it was always there waiting for me. Through a kind word from a friend, a sweet prayer whispered for me, or simply the strength to make it through some of the hardest situations in my life. God was there and God was providing.
The journey isn't done. If fact, it is shifting into other directions. But, today, I just wanted to share in my victory over my addiction. Share with my faithful friends just how far God has brought with me. Join with me in giving him ALL the praise. He is the one that has been my Great Provider all of these months. Glory to him for the work he has done in me!
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
Started at 306 pounds and now 198(108 pounds lost)
Take nothing with you for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Luke 9:3
It struck me how this caused the disciples to have great faith and trust that the Lord was going to take care of them. That he would provide what was needed when it was needed. They were to simply follow and do what God instructed them to do. They were to give themselves whole-heartedly to what ever that might be.
I realized that this is what was required of me as well. In the beginning of this journey, all control was taken from me. I had to learn to live a new life with none of the resources that I had always had. I had to start over from what I call rock bottom. This is what was required of me to become 100% dependent on my Lord. Over and over, I would come to a place that I needed something, and the Lord always provided. Whether that need was physical or spiritual, it was always there waiting for me. Through a kind word from a friend, a sweet prayer whispered for me, or simply the strength to make it through some of the hardest situations in my life. God was there and God was providing.
The journey isn't done. If fact, it is shifting into other directions. But, today, I just wanted to share in my victory over my addiction. Share with my faithful friends just how far God has brought with me. Join with me in giving him ALL the praise. He is the one that has been my Great Provider all of these months. Glory to him for the work he has done in me!
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
Started at 306 pounds and now 198(108 pounds lost)
Started in a size 24 pant and now in a size 14!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Accepting the "No"
After another month of missed period and negative preganacy test, I am finally to the point of being done. I finally understand that God's answer to Bryan's and my prayers is in fact, "NO". God is not going to give us another child. We have decided to stop trying. I can't handle the roller coaster anymore.
It is evident in all the failed attempts, that it is not God's will for our lives. We are meant to be a family of three. I can't believe it has taken me 5 years to get here, but at least I am here now.
It isn't easy to accept this answer. I have been crying my eyes out all morning long. (It didn't help that the well meaning dental hygentist asked if we wanted more children and I almost lost it in the chair). But, God will bring us through this.
I just would like to ask for some prayers. Pray that God will heal the heartbreak. That we will continue to be reminded of the amazing blessing that Eleanor is in our life. Pray for that sweet Eleanor that wants a sibling so bad. Pray that we will have the words to explain that it is not going to happen. Pray that one day we will understand why the answer had to be "No". That one day we will understand why the blessing was withheld.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6
God has his reasons even if we don't understand them. It is time to move on.
It is evident in all the failed attempts, that it is not God's will for our lives. We are meant to be a family of three. I can't believe it has taken me 5 years to get here, but at least I am here now.
It isn't easy to accept this answer. I have been crying my eyes out all morning long. (It didn't help that the well meaning dental hygentist asked if we wanted more children and I almost lost it in the chair). But, God will bring us through this.
I just would like to ask for some prayers. Pray that God will heal the heartbreak. That we will continue to be reminded of the amazing blessing that Eleanor is in our life. Pray for that sweet Eleanor that wants a sibling so bad. Pray that we will have the words to explain that it is not going to happen. Pray that one day we will understand why the answer had to be "No". That one day we will understand why the blessing was withheld.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6
God has his reasons even if we don't understand them. It is time to move on.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Deliverer
Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:24
I stumbled across this verse just now. I was preparing some scripture on note cards so that I can memorize them. It is a list of scriptures that declares our victory in Christ. This scripture left me in tears and audibly praising my Savior. I couldn't keep it in. Thank goodness, no one is home but me.
This scripture describes my life and my journey. When I reflect back on where I was almost a year ago, I remember feeling like I had been given a death sentence. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lose the weight. The defeat was overwhelming and I fell into a depression. I didn't know what else to do. Didn't know how I was ever going to get healthy.
It was in the darkness of that depression, that God impressed upon my soul that I was never going to do it in my own power. The key to my never ending defeat was that I was trying to do it on my own. I believe God brought me to rock bottom to make me rely on him. I started understanding that only through Christ was I going to gain victory.
So, I committed my life and my body to Christ. I committed to daily face my addiction and to ask for God's strength to fight the battle. With that commitment has come deliverance. Oh, what a long, hard road it has been, but my God has proven himself faithful day after day. He always gives me the strength to make it through the day. Sometimes it is just enough strength to make it through the moment. But, he is always there.
I have come to rely on him in a way that I never thought possible. It is a daily choice to allow him to be my strength. To allow him to be my rock. To allow him to deliver me on a daily basis from my flesh and my sin. Like the verses above state, I have set my hope that he will continue to deliver me. Without him in control of my life, I will surely fail. With him in control, I will continue to be victorious! With that, I cry out to him. Praise be to the Lord my Savior! HE IS MY DELIVERER!
I stumbled across this verse just now. I was preparing some scripture on note cards so that I can memorize them. It is a list of scriptures that declares our victory in Christ. This scripture left me in tears and audibly praising my Savior. I couldn't keep it in. Thank goodness, no one is home but me.
This scripture describes my life and my journey. When I reflect back on where I was almost a year ago, I remember feeling like I had been given a death sentence. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lose the weight. The defeat was overwhelming and I fell into a depression. I didn't know what else to do. Didn't know how I was ever going to get healthy.
It was in the darkness of that depression, that God impressed upon my soul that I was never going to do it in my own power. The key to my never ending defeat was that I was trying to do it on my own. I believe God brought me to rock bottom to make me rely on him. I started understanding that only through Christ was I going to gain victory.
So, I committed my life and my body to Christ. I committed to daily face my addiction and to ask for God's strength to fight the battle. With that commitment has come deliverance. Oh, what a long, hard road it has been, but my God has proven himself faithful day after day. He always gives me the strength to make it through the day. Sometimes it is just enough strength to make it through the moment. But, he is always there.
I have come to rely on him in a way that I never thought possible. It is a daily choice to allow him to be my strength. To allow him to be my rock. To allow him to deliver me on a daily basis from my flesh and my sin. Like the verses above state, I have set my hope that he will continue to deliver me. Without him in control of my life, I will surely fail. With him in control, I will continue to be victorious! With that, I cry out to him. Praise be to the Lord my Savior! HE IS MY DELIVERER!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Naysayers and Critics
Throughout this journey, there have been multiple times that people have taken opportunities to point out my flaws, my imperfections, and my shortcomings. Each time, they say things to me like "well, you put yourself out there and share it all with the world" or "you just go around acting all godly" and even "your the one writing the Christian blog". It is as if because I am sharing what God is teaching me and how he is molding me, pruning me, and disciplining me, that they believe they have a right to knock me down when I do not live up to their standards.
Today, I was reminded through a Mandissa song(I know you are probably tired of hearing her songs!) that there is only one opinion that matters. There is only one definition of me. That is God's opinion. It really only matters what he thinks of me. Whether that definition is what I look like or how people think I should act. Only one opinion matters.
Today, I was reminded through a Mandissa song(I know you are probably tired of hearing her songs!) that there is only one opinion that matters. There is only one definition of me. That is God's opinion. It really only matters what he thinks of me. Whether that definition is what I look like or how people think I should act. Only one opinion matters.
Definition of Me
Everybody's got an opinion
Of what they want me to be
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet
So tired of looking in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I want to be about something different
Something more than the mirror can see
Like joy, peace
Alive in me
When it comes to my identity
Chorus:
I want the love
I want the light
I want the beauty
On the inside
I want the one that you can't see
To be the definition of me
More than the face
More than the girl
More than the voice
More than the world
I want the truth that I believe
To be the definition of me
Pretty is cool for a minute
But it always fades away
Trends are hot for a second
They'll be gone the very next day
So before you get lost in the moment
Let’s get one thing clear
Only love will last forever
That's the reason that we're here
It's up to you ‘cause everybody's looking
Who do you want them to see?
Of what they want me to be
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet
So tired of looking in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I want to be about something different
Something more than the mirror can see
Like joy, peace
Alive in me
When it comes to my identity
Chorus:
I want the love
I want the light
I want the beauty
On the inside
I want the one that you can't see
To be the definition of me
More than the face
More than the girl
More than the voice
More than the world
I want the truth that I believe
To be the definition of me
Pretty is cool for a minute
But it always fades away
Trends are hot for a second
They'll be gone the very next day
So before you get lost in the moment
Let’s get one thing clear
Only love will last forever
That's the reason that we're here
It's up to you ‘cause everybody's looking
Who do you want them to see?
I want to be the girl that people see Jesus through. I love and cherish all the comments about my weight loss. It a boost of confidence that is much needed sometimes. But more than anything, I want people to see the beauty that is inside. I want that to make more of an impact than skinny jeans.
With all that said, I have never, ever claimed to have it all together. I am a sinner. A stinky filthy sinner. So, just because I am posting on this blog or on Facebook about what I am learning, doesn't mean that I am an expert. I have never claimed to be. All I have ever done is write about my personal journey. I try very hard not to tell anyone else what there journey should be. It will always be different than mine. So for the naysayers and critics, I am sorry if I do not measure up to your standards. I never will, because I will never be anything more than a sinner trying to live the best life I can for my Lord. I will probably never get it right, but each day I will try. Maybe, each day that inner beauty will shine through more and more. Eventually, I want that to be the beauty that people see in me.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Run, Mary!
This morning didn't start off very good. It was weigh in day, and it wasn't what I expected. According to the science of "calories in, calories out" I should have lost 1 1/2 to 2 pounds this week. I mean, I really busted my booty. I ate a perfect diet and I increased my exercise. I tracked everything with my Body Bugg. Despite all this, I got on the scale and only lost 1/2 pound. I was frustrated beyond belief. I was so mad that I wanted to quit. Why have I given up all carbs? Why am I working out so much? I didn't want to go to the gym, but I did. I am a firm believer that God honors commitment, so off I went.
So, grumpy old me got on the treadmill. I started walking and that little voice told me to RUN. Oh, no, I told myself. I can't run. I have tried it before. I can never make it more than a minute before I am panting and about to pass out. Well, at least that is how it was before I lost the weight. So, I increased my speed and told myself to aim for 3 minutes. Surely after a hundred pounds you can run 3 minutes straight. Well, 3 minutes came and went. So did 5 and 8 minutes. I made it to 10 minutes without stopping of slowing down! WHAT!?!?!?!?! As the minutes kept rolling around and I kept going, the joy I felt was overwhelming. Honestly, I could have kept going, but I didn't want to wake up tomorrow not being able to get out of bed.
God proved to me(AGAIN) that I am not defined by that number on the scale. He is doing a great work in me and he is faithful to complete it. It may not be in my time or in my way, but he is working in me. He has given me the strength to become a whole new person. A person that I don't even recognize in the mirror. A person that can do more than she ever thought she could. Running on that treadmill meant more to me today than 2 pounds ever would have. God proved to me that it success does not always show up on the scale!
So, grumpy old me got on the treadmill. I started walking and that little voice told me to RUN. Oh, no, I told myself. I can't run. I have tried it before. I can never make it more than a minute before I am panting and about to pass out. Well, at least that is how it was before I lost the weight. So, I increased my speed and told myself to aim for 3 minutes. Surely after a hundred pounds you can run 3 minutes straight. Well, 3 minutes came and went. So did 5 and 8 minutes. I made it to 10 minutes without stopping of slowing down! WHAT!?!?!?!?! As the minutes kept rolling around and I kept going, the joy I felt was overwhelming. Honestly, I could have kept going, but I didn't want to wake up tomorrow not being able to get out of bed.
God proved to me(AGAIN) that I am not defined by that number on the scale. He is doing a great work in me and he is faithful to complete it. It may not be in my time or in my way, but he is working in me. He has given me the strength to become a whole new person. A person that I don't even recognize in the mirror. A person that can do more than she ever thought she could. Running on that treadmill meant more to me today than 2 pounds ever would have. God proved to me that it success does not always show up on the scale!
Monday, April 23, 2012
ONEderland
Today I hit ONEderland! I have been waiting for this day for a long, long time! I just want to take a minute to reflect on who has gotten me here. In Deuteronomy 4:9 it reminds us to be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. I have to be careful to always remember that I only got here because of the strength the Lord has given me. There is no way that my weak, addicted soul could have accomplished this.
So, today I give all the glory of this number to my Lord. It has been a road filled with ups and downs. A road with many struggles and lots of lessons learned. But, it has been a glorious journey and it isn't over yet! Step by step, God is leading me to victory.
He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
Today, I will celebrate the victory that has been given to me, but I will also keep my eyes on the completion of this journey. God isn't done with me yet!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Genie in a Bottle
I am tired of this concept of I can get anything I want from God if only I believe it enough, pray for it the right way, and for some speak it into being. It is simply not the way it works. I have tried it. I have bought into it, but I have been convicted lately, that God is not my genie in a bottle. He is not in the business of giving me anything I want just because I believe it enough. He doesn't give me what I want. He gives me what I NEED.
There are some truths in what these well meaning people do. Yes, everything is possible with God. Yes, God can move mountains with just a mustard seed of faith. Yes, God gives you what you want if you earnestly ask him. But here is where they go wrong. It isn't everything we ask for. It isn't an avenue for us to get what we want. GOD ONLY GIVES US THE THINGS WE ASK FOR IF THEY ARE IN ACCORDANCE TO HIS WILL.
So, I might pray the most beautiful prayer for another child. I might claim every morning that I am going to have another child. I might have unmoveable faith that God can make my barren womb into a fruitful womb(becuase he can). But, if it isn't his will for me to have another child, then I am not getting it.
Most of the scriptures that are used to support this "Name it, Claim it" philosophy are taken out of context. Most of them are speaking of blessings that the scriptures have promised us, if we only ask. For example, wisdom. God has promised to give us wisdom if we ask for it. So, we can believe without a doubt if we ask for it, we will receive it. I can find nowhere is scripture that tells me that if I ask for something I want, that I will automatically get it. If you know of one, please share it with me.
I think we need to be careful on how we ask for what we want. I am learning this lesson. I am commanded to pray for my desires. Why? I believe that is so that no matter whether I get my desire or I don't, all credit can go to God. Remember, God will make his glory known. In fact, that is our mission as Christians is to make his glory known. So, I will pray feverently for another child. BUT, I will ask for it only if is in the will of God to give it to me. If it is not in his will, I will also pray that through this I will be drawn closer to him. Through this, I will learn that greater joy can come from not having another child, if that is what he choses. Because, my God has promised that through all things, I can have peace and joy in him.
My God has a future planned for me. A future that will be full of hope and prosperity. But he is going to give me things or keep things from me that are going to ensure that I stay close to him. Who knows, maybe another child would become an idol for me(or already has) and I need to be denied it so that I will keep my focus on Christ.
There are some truths in what these well meaning people do. Yes, everything is possible with God. Yes, God can move mountains with just a mustard seed of faith. Yes, God gives you what you want if you earnestly ask him. But here is where they go wrong. It isn't everything we ask for. It isn't an avenue for us to get what we want. GOD ONLY GIVES US THE THINGS WE ASK FOR IF THEY ARE IN ACCORDANCE TO HIS WILL.
So, I might pray the most beautiful prayer for another child. I might claim every morning that I am going to have another child. I might have unmoveable faith that God can make my barren womb into a fruitful womb(becuase he can). But, if it isn't his will for me to have another child, then I am not getting it.
Most of the scriptures that are used to support this "Name it, Claim it" philosophy are taken out of context. Most of them are speaking of blessings that the scriptures have promised us, if we only ask. For example, wisdom. God has promised to give us wisdom if we ask for it. So, we can believe without a doubt if we ask for it, we will receive it. I can find nowhere is scripture that tells me that if I ask for something I want, that I will automatically get it. If you know of one, please share it with me.
I think we need to be careful on how we ask for what we want. I am learning this lesson. I am commanded to pray for my desires. Why? I believe that is so that no matter whether I get my desire or I don't, all credit can go to God. Remember, God will make his glory known. In fact, that is our mission as Christians is to make his glory known. So, I will pray feverently for another child. BUT, I will ask for it only if is in the will of God to give it to me. If it is not in his will, I will also pray that through this I will be drawn closer to him. Through this, I will learn that greater joy can come from not having another child, if that is what he choses. Because, my God has promised that through all things, I can have peace and joy in him.
My God has a future planned for me. A future that will be full of hope and prosperity. But he is going to give me things or keep things from me that are going to ensure that I stay close to him. Who knows, maybe another child would become an idol for me(or already has) and I need to be denied it so that I will keep my focus on Christ.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
No Sticker Chart in Heaven
I want to start out by saying that I really don't want to write this post. I feel like I am always an Eeyore. I do promise you that there are happy and content days in my life. It just always seems like I am prompted to write these posts on the bad days.
With that said, I started out bright and early this morning dealing with envy. Envious of blessings that other people are getting. So, I sat quietly this morning with the Lord. First confessing my sin of envy. Then, I realized that I didn't even have the words to pray. So, I sat with my feelings. I sat with my tears. I sat and let the Lord do the talking.
I guess an explanation is in order, but it really is very hard for me to share. Simply put, I just really don't understand why God will not give us another child. So it was as I sat there this morning, that I realized that my view of blessing was skewed. In my mind blessings come to the righteous. Blessings come to those who seek the Lord. Blessings come to those who have faith as small as a mustard seed. Oh, the scripture that I could quote you that say these things. Yet, my blessing isn't coming. So, I assume(in my feeble human mind) that I am not righteous enough. I am not seeking the Lord enough. I don't have enough faith. I am just not doing something right.
All these feelings were swirling in my head this morning. Then I heard the whisper into my soul. "I don't bless according to what you do. No one is worthy of a blessing. I bless according to my will."
Then I had to laugh at myself because I guess I envisioned God up in heaven with a sticker chart. If you receive 10 gold stars then you get a blessing. A star for good prayers. A star for faith. A star for following my commands. It should all add up to a blessing, right?
Nope. That isn't how God works. I don't understand it. In fact, I don't understand a lot of the scripture that talks about these things. I am struggling with the concept of why we pray at all, when God has it all figured out. Because, in all honesty, the more I pray and ask God to give us another child, the harder the months get. The crazier my emotions become when the answer is yet another NO. The months add up to years and the process goes on and on. I sometimes wonder why we even bother to try anymore. Maybe the answer will be a forever NO.
The bible is full of people that held on to faith even when it seemed like the Lord would never follow through. Oh, if I could just have an ounce of what they had. Maybe then, all of this would be a little easier.
(Ha! I have sat here for 30 minutes because I don't want to hit the publish button! I am trying to talk myself out of sharing this. I think I may just be too open. I think that there is no reason why anyone wants to know this. Here goes nothing....)
With that said, I started out bright and early this morning dealing with envy. Envious of blessings that other people are getting. So, I sat quietly this morning with the Lord. First confessing my sin of envy. Then, I realized that I didn't even have the words to pray. So, I sat with my feelings. I sat with my tears. I sat and let the Lord do the talking.
I guess an explanation is in order, but it really is very hard for me to share. Simply put, I just really don't understand why God will not give us another child. So it was as I sat there this morning, that I realized that my view of blessing was skewed. In my mind blessings come to the righteous. Blessings come to those who seek the Lord. Blessings come to those who have faith as small as a mustard seed. Oh, the scripture that I could quote you that say these things. Yet, my blessing isn't coming. So, I assume(in my feeble human mind) that I am not righteous enough. I am not seeking the Lord enough. I don't have enough faith. I am just not doing something right.
All these feelings were swirling in my head this morning. Then I heard the whisper into my soul. "I don't bless according to what you do. No one is worthy of a blessing. I bless according to my will."
Then I had to laugh at myself because I guess I envisioned God up in heaven with a sticker chart. If you receive 10 gold stars then you get a blessing. A star for good prayers. A star for faith. A star for following my commands. It should all add up to a blessing, right?
Nope. That isn't how God works. I don't understand it. In fact, I don't understand a lot of the scripture that talks about these things. I am struggling with the concept of why we pray at all, when God has it all figured out. Because, in all honesty, the more I pray and ask God to give us another child, the harder the months get. The crazier my emotions become when the answer is yet another NO. The months add up to years and the process goes on and on. I sometimes wonder why we even bother to try anymore. Maybe the answer will be a forever NO.
The bible is full of people that held on to faith even when it seemed like the Lord would never follow through. Oh, if I could just have an ounce of what they had. Maybe then, all of this would be a little easier.
(Ha! I have sat here for 30 minutes because I don't want to hit the publish button! I am trying to talk myself out of sharing this. I think I may just be too open. I think that there is no reason why anyone wants to know this. Here goes nothing....)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
The Scale, The Verdict
This is how the situation when down. Last night Bryan and I were talking about me weighing in on Sunday morning. I told him that I thought I would be a nervous wreck all night. So, for some crazy reason, we decided to get it over with! At 9 pm on Saturday evening, Bryan got the scale out. I know, insane!!! I decided it would be better to just get it over with and to know that on Sunday morning the numbers would be better. I just needed to know what the verdict after 40 days was going to be.
Was I able to successfully do what I needed to do without the scale? Was all the struggle and lessons learned going to pay off?
So, I stepped on the scale and it seemed like an eternity until the number came up. When it did, it was 203. *huge sigh* I had lost weight. Glory! This morning it was 202. So during the last 40 days I had lost 4 pounds. Oh, and I have dropped another pant size. I am now in a 14!!!! May sound crazy to some but that is "skinny jeans" for me!!!
I am going to admit, I was REALLY hoping that I was going to be in ONEderland. But, honestly, I am just glad for a weight loss.
Here is what I learned during this crazy Lenten season:
1. I no longer think like a fat person. I know I can make smart decisions on a daily basis and achieve weight loss.
2. Satan is a maniac. The attacks that he made on my mind and my emotions were incredibly intense. There is a reason we are warned time and again to stand firm and be alert. Satan doesn't play around. He is in it to win it!
3. Through my weaknesses I become strong. God took my weakness against the scale and made me rely on him and on his truth.
4. I learned to claim the truths of the word. I can't tell you how many times I had to chant to myself, "You are more than victorious." "God is faithful to see this out to completion".
5. I learned to trust in the attributes of God. He is faithful. He is good. He is trustworthy. He is my help. He is loving.
6. My goals may not be God's goals. I had convinced myself that I needed to be at 180 pounds by May. It was consuming me. Then through the wise words of my husband and my best friend, I realized that it was MY goal, not necessarily God's goal. That I needed to let him decide how much I was going to lose and how fast I was going to lose it. So, I have adjusted my thinking. I now just hope to be under 200 by my one year anniversary.
7. I was reminded that EVERY VICTORY IS THE LORD'S. Don't miss this one. I was victorious only because of the Lord. Only because this is his will being worked out in my life. Yet again, none of these 104 pounds would have been lost with my strength and my power. I am weak. I can't do it on my own. But, through Christ, I am more than victorious. He gets all the glory!
Was I able to successfully do what I needed to do without the scale? Was all the struggle and lessons learned going to pay off?
So, I stepped on the scale and it seemed like an eternity until the number came up. When it did, it was 203. *huge sigh* I had lost weight. Glory! This morning it was 202. So during the last 40 days I had lost 4 pounds. Oh, and I have dropped another pant size. I am now in a 14!!!! May sound crazy to some but that is "skinny jeans" for me!!!
I am going to admit, I was REALLY hoping that I was going to be in ONEderland. But, honestly, I am just glad for a weight loss.
Here is what I learned during this crazy Lenten season:
1. I no longer think like a fat person. I know I can make smart decisions on a daily basis and achieve weight loss.
2. Satan is a maniac. The attacks that he made on my mind and my emotions were incredibly intense. There is a reason we are warned time and again to stand firm and be alert. Satan doesn't play around. He is in it to win it!
3. Through my weaknesses I become strong. God took my weakness against the scale and made me rely on him and on his truth.
4. I learned to claim the truths of the word. I can't tell you how many times I had to chant to myself, "You are more than victorious." "God is faithful to see this out to completion".
5. I learned to trust in the attributes of God. He is faithful. He is good. He is trustworthy. He is my help. He is loving.
6. My goals may not be God's goals. I had convinced myself that I needed to be at 180 pounds by May. It was consuming me. Then through the wise words of my husband and my best friend, I realized that it was MY goal, not necessarily God's goal. That I needed to let him decide how much I was going to lose and how fast I was going to lose it. So, I have adjusted my thinking. I now just hope to be under 200 by my one year anniversary.
7. I was reminded that EVERY VICTORY IS THE LORD'S. Don't miss this one. I was victorious only because of the Lord. Only because this is his will being worked out in my life. Yet again, none of these 104 pounds would have been lost with my strength and my power. I am weak. I can't do it on my own. But, through Christ, I am more than victorious. He gets all the glory!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Gentle and Quiet Spirit
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 1 Peter 3:3-6
I have always struggled with these verses because I couldn't grasp the meaning of gentle and quiet spirit. I would always feel conflicted because you all know that my personality is not gentle and quiet. I am no Michelle Duggar! I know so many people that have what I consider a gentle personality and I can not even pretend to be part of their club. So, I have wrestled with why God would give me the personality that he gave me and then ask me to be meek and gentle. I just didn't get it. I mean for years I have been wondering this! I have even tried to be the meek and gentle wife and friend and it always ends in disaster.
Then it hit me this morning. I was skipping over the word SPIRIT and replacing it with PERSONALITY. Bingo! That is where I was going wrong and getting discouraged. God doesn't want me to change my personality, but rather my spirit. He wants me to change the way that I react and deal with him.
I looked up the word gentle in the dictionary. A spirit that is gentle is one that is easily managed and guided. It is docile. I get it. I finally understand! God wants my beauty to come from a spirit that is willing to be managed and guided by him. He doesn't want me to fight him at every turn. He wants me to peacefully(quiet spirit) follow his directions.
Peter then gives us ways that we can train our spirit to be gentle and quiet. We are to put our hope in God, do what is right, and do not give way to fear. Sounds simple enough, but isn't it so tough! Well, it is for me. To put my hope in the Lord and to have faith are hard for me. But, they are hard because I am fearful.
So, my prayer is that God will create in me a gentle and quiet spirit. That I may learn to hope in him and that my fear will be controlled through the truth of the Word. That I will do what I know is right and I will gently let the Lord manage the big and the small things. In time, I hope that my beauty will shine forth.
I have always struggled with these verses because I couldn't grasp the meaning of gentle and quiet spirit. I would always feel conflicted because you all know that my personality is not gentle and quiet. I am no Michelle Duggar! I know so many people that have what I consider a gentle personality and I can not even pretend to be part of their club. So, I have wrestled with why God would give me the personality that he gave me and then ask me to be meek and gentle. I just didn't get it. I mean for years I have been wondering this! I have even tried to be the meek and gentle wife and friend and it always ends in disaster.
Then it hit me this morning. I was skipping over the word SPIRIT and replacing it with PERSONALITY. Bingo! That is where I was going wrong and getting discouraged. God doesn't want me to change my personality, but rather my spirit. He wants me to change the way that I react and deal with him.
I looked up the word gentle in the dictionary. A spirit that is gentle is one that is easily managed and guided. It is docile. I get it. I finally understand! God wants my beauty to come from a spirit that is willing to be managed and guided by him. He doesn't want me to fight him at every turn. He wants me to peacefully(quiet spirit) follow his directions.
Peter then gives us ways that we can train our spirit to be gentle and quiet. We are to put our hope in God, do what is right, and do not give way to fear. Sounds simple enough, but isn't it so tough! Well, it is for me. To put my hope in the Lord and to have faith are hard for me. But, they are hard because I am fearful.
So, my prayer is that God will create in me a gentle and quiet spirit. That I may learn to hope in him and that my fear will be controlled through the truth of the Word. That I will do what I know is right and I will gently let the Lord manage the big and the small things. In time, I hope that my beauty will shine forth.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
My Child
I have been struggling to get a grasp on the love that God has for me. To be honest, I have not been able to see God as a good God. I have been focused on the God that puts us through trails and teaches us lessons. Always disciplining. Now, I know he disciplines because he loves us. But, to see God as one who loves us and wants to bless us, that has been hard for me.
Today, I was reminded I am a child of God. That I am a heir. The Spirit himself testifies without spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17
I have been thinking about this verse all morning. That I am a child of God. He loves me more than I can even comprehend. Then while I was on the treadmill, I was listening to this song by Mandissa.
What an amazing song. It reminded me just how much God loves me. How big a gift grace is.
Then, for some reason, I was reminded of a conversation that Bryan and I had when I was pregnant with Eleanor. I told him if anything were to happen and the doctors could only save one of us, to save the baby. No matter how hard it would be for him, that my love for that child was so great, that I would give my life to save him/her. It was a heart wrenching conversation, but one that showed how great a parent's love is for a child. Today, I was reminded that this is just a human love. How much greater then, is God's love for me? Look at what he sacrifced for an undeserving sinner like me.
What a wonderful reminder of what that cross is all about. Undescribable love that God has for me, yes me!
Today, I was reminded I am a child of God. That I am a heir. The Spirit himself testifies without spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17
I have been thinking about this verse all morning. That I am a child of God. He loves me more than I can even comprehend. Then while I was on the treadmill, I was listening to this song by Mandissa.
What an amazing song. It reminded me just how much God loves me. How big a gift grace is.
Then, for some reason, I was reminded of a conversation that Bryan and I had when I was pregnant with Eleanor. I told him if anything were to happen and the doctors could only save one of us, to save the baby. No matter how hard it would be for him, that my love for that child was so great, that I would give my life to save him/her. It was a heart wrenching conversation, but one that showed how great a parent's love is for a child. Today, I was reminded that this is just a human love. How much greater then, is God's love for me? Look at what he sacrifced for an undeserving sinner like me.
What a wonderful reminder of what that cross is all about. Undescribable love that God has for me, yes me!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Raw
I need my scale. I am a wreck. I don't feel like I have lost any weight in forever. I am know I haven't lost any inches in almost 2 months. I am scared to death that I have gained weight. I don't have any way to measure how I am doing. This the longest 40 days. I really don't know why I am putting myself through this. What if I have gained weight? Even worse, what if I still haven't lost anything at the end of this? That would mean that I haven't lost any weight in 3 months. I hit 100 pounds and then NOTHING!
This is a moment of raw emotions. I know that Bryan is tired of having this conversation with me over and over, so I am putting it out there into cyberspace.
When will I ever feel successful? When will I ever reach my goal? It seems so far away. Oh, I just need my scale! Isn't it crazy to be crying over a scale. Crying because I can't weigh myself. Crying because I need that validation the number that scale holds.
I feel anxious and nervous inside. It is taking everything I have not to destroy this house in the search of stupid machine. How long until Easter? I am scared to count the days. I am more scared to think about stepping on that scale after all this time. Tell me why this was a good idea? Ugh......
This is a moment of raw emotions. I know that Bryan is tired of having this conversation with me over and over, so I am putting it out there into cyberspace.
When will I ever feel successful? When will I ever reach my goal? It seems so far away. Oh, I just need my scale! Isn't it crazy to be crying over a scale. Crying because I can't weigh myself. Crying because I need that validation the number that scale holds.
I feel anxious and nervous inside. It is taking everything I have not to destroy this house in the search of stupid machine. How long until Easter? I am scared to count the days. I am more scared to think about stepping on that scale after all this time. Tell me why this was a good idea? Ugh......
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The Old and the New
While I was on vacation in Monterey, CA this week, I discovered a few things about myself. It was an eye opening experience for me. A vacation that was unlike any that I have ever taken. I realized it was because I am a different person. I have a completely different outlook on what a vacation means. For once, a vacation wasn't centered around food. There was no "I am on vacation and I can eat what I want" mentality. It was business as usual in the food department. I made my main focus on keeping myself fueled. That meant lots of protein. I even went to the store and bought food for me to snack on. That way I would not be tempted to grab something while I was out. All it took was a little planning. Now, I was tempted. Oh, that Nestle Toll House cookie shop was my nemesis. The glorious smell wafting from the doorway. Also, the Parisian bakery that had a store front window filled with endless treats may just have some drool marks left on it by me. But, God was good. He made me powerful enough to walk away. I did allow myself a bite of Bryan's dessert one evening and it was way too rich and sweet. It was more than I even wanted and actually I didn't enjoy it at all!
So, I came away from a week of vacation with no guilt and no remorse from the choices that I had made. This is a far change from a person that would be so gluttonous in the past that I would come home 8 pounds heavier from a single trip!
I discovered something else I was away. I discovered the old me. A "me" that some of you have known in the past, but many have never met. Even Bryan had never met this "me". I found the part of me that loves the outdoors. That loves to hike and explore. The side of me that was forced into hiding first because of a back injury and then because of the weight that I put on after that. Bryan had heard stories of my the good ol' days of hiking and backpacking. He had even seen the camping equipment, the backpacking gear, and the $300 pair of hiking boots, but he could not imagine me ever doing it.
As Bryan and I explored the coast, my heart started to sing for joy. It was so glorious to be out in nature. To be climbing the cliffs and hiking the trails. Seeing sights that you can't see from the road. This is when I finally felt alive. I finally felt happy. To be with my love and doing something that I love with him was more than one little heart to contain.
It is all worth it. Everything that I have been through in the last months. All the trials and hardships have been completely worth it. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to go through them and thank you for bringing me out of them. Thank you for this body that you have given me that can finally function the way that you designed it. Thank you for the creation of this earth and that I can finally explore it again. The peace and blessings that are found in nature can once again be experienced by me. Oh, happy day!
So, I came away from a week of vacation with no guilt and no remorse from the choices that I had made. This is a far change from a person that would be so gluttonous in the past that I would come home 8 pounds heavier from a single trip!
I discovered something else I was away. I discovered the old me. A "me" that some of you have known in the past, but many have never met. Even Bryan had never met this "me". I found the part of me that loves the outdoors. That loves to hike and explore. The side of me that was forced into hiding first because of a back injury and then because of the weight that I put on after that. Bryan had heard stories of my the good ol' days of hiking and backpacking. He had even seen the camping equipment, the backpacking gear, and the $300 pair of hiking boots, but he could not imagine me ever doing it.
It is all worth it. Everything that I have been through in the last months. All the trials and hardships have been completely worth it. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to go through them and thank you for bringing me out of them. Thank you for this body that you have given me that can finally function the way that you designed it. Thank you for the creation of this earth and that I can finally explore it again. The peace and blessings that are found in nature can once again be experienced by me. Oh, happy day!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Acting Like an Isrealite
I had an epiphany in the car this morning. I am acting like an Israelite. I have forgot my past and all that God has done for me and I have started grumbling and complaining because he isn't doing what I think he is supposed to do. When I told Bryan this, he actually laughed out loud and strongly agreed with me!
For the last few weeks I have been very frustrated that the scale is not moving. In fact, last week, I went to the doctor and did look at the scale and I had gained a pound. Total frustration! I am doing everything right. I am eating my protein. I am exercising regularly. I am getting my fluids in. It makes me want to scream! I am so close. Only 25 more pounds to go and I am stuck with a capital "S".
Because these last 6 weeks have been so rough, I have become increasingly more negative about everything. Bryan has commented in the last few days how everything out of my mouth is negative.
So this morning, it hit me. I am mimicking an Israelite. God had freed them from captivity. He has done miraculous things for them. He had promised them victory and the glorious promise land. At first they were overwhelmed and grateful. Then over time, when things weren't going their way, they started grumbling. The got mad and they pitched fits all because God wasn't doing what he said he was going to do. The more they grumbled, the longer that wandered around in that desert! Sometimes that wandering would take them so very close to the promise land, but never close enough to enter. God wanted them to remember who was in control and who knew what was best.
Oh my goodness, that is exactly what I am doing. I am sitting around and stomping my foot because I am not losing the weight on my timetable. I am grumbling and focusing on all the negative things. I am getting angry at God because I am doing everything he has asked of me and yet that stupid little number on the scale is not moving! I have decided not to focus on what God has already done for me and what he has promised he will accomplish through me. I have instead focused on my current circumstance. Not understanding why God would have me stuck here so close to the goal that he has promised me.
Hmmm....maybe I need to stop grumbling and instead remember who is in control. God has promised me that I will be victorious. I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus. I have to remember that God isn't in the business of failure, if he is the one in charge. He will get me to my goal. He will help me obtain victory. But, it will be in his time and in his way. So, I need to stop pitching my fits, change my attitude, and press on toward the goal!
For the last few weeks I have been very frustrated that the scale is not moving. In fact, last week, I went to the doctor and did look at the scale and I had gained a pound. Total frustration! I am doing everything right. I am eating my protein. I am exercising regularly. I am getting my fluids in. It makes me want to scream! I am so close. Only 25 more pounds to go and I am stuck with a capital "S".
Because these last 6 weeks have been so rough, I have become increasingly more negative about everything. Bryan has commented in the last few days how everything out of my mouth is negative.
So this morning, it hit me. I am mimicking an Israelite. God had freed them from captivity. He has done miraculous things for them. He had promised them victory and the glorious promise land. At first they were overwhelmed and grateful. Then over time, when things weren't going their way, they started grumbling. The got mad and they pitched fits all because God wasn't doing what he said he was going to do. The more they grumbled, the longer that wandered around in that desert! Sometimes that wandering would take them so very close to the promise land, but never close enough to enter. God wanted them to remember who was in control and who knew what was best.
Oh my goodness, that is exactly what I am doing. I am sitting around and stomping my foot because I am not losing the weight on my timetable. I am grumbling and focusing on all the negative things. I am getting angry at God because I am doing everything he has asked of me and yet that stupid little number on the scale is not moving! I have decided not to focus on what God has already done for me and what he has promised he will accomplish through me. I have instead focused on my current circumstance. Not understanding why God would have me stuck here so close to the goal that he has promised me.
Hmmm....maybe I need to stop grumbling and instead remember who is in control. God has promised me that I will be victorious. I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus. I have to remember that God isn't in the business of failure, if he is the one in charge. He will get me to my goal. He will help me obtain victory. But, it will be in his time and in his way. So, I need to stop pitching my fits, change my attitude, and press on toward the goal!
Monday, March 5, 2012
For You
This blog is for you today. It isn't about me, but about you. That stronghold that Satan has on you needs to be broken. God is waiting, arm stretched out, to pull you from the mud and mire. God wants to help you discover the freedom that he has already given you if you are his child. Freedom is a step away. But, you have to start today. Please don't wait for tomorrow. Please allow God to do great work in you.
The battle is not an easy one. At times it feels like you will never make it through, but you can do it. Step by step and day by day, you will discover what grace is about and what freedom feels like. Listen to this song. Absorb it. It is written for you, my friend.
The battle is not an easy one. At times it feels like you will never make it through, but you can do it. Step by step and day by day, you will discover what grace is about and what freedom feels like. Listen to this song. Absorb it. It is written for you, my friend.
For those of you that have taken the courage to step into the battle, I am praying for you. I am proud of you. Believe me when I say that the freedom and peace that you find at the end is so much better than anything that you are clinging to right now. Keep striving. Keep trusting. Keep believing that God will give you enough strength to make it through.
I pray that all of you, no matter where you are in your battle for freedom, know that I am here to support you and to encourage you. I am only a phone call or a email away. Please do not hesitate to reach out. Sometimes that is the hardest part, but it is always better to have someone in the battle with you. Remember, Christ has set you free and you are free indeed!
If you need some motivation and encouragement through song, check out Mandissa's album What if We Were Real. The whole album is AMAZING! (Thanks to my friends that recommended it to me. It has been a source of inspiration during those dreaded times at the gym!)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
You Are Dead to Me!
Wow, I had a life changing moment this morning in church. It was one of those sermons that was meant just for me. The sermon was on Romans 6. It was about being dead to sin and alive in Christ. The first part of the sermon I just wanted to stand up and shout "Amen". It was a reminder of my journey. How one day I realized that I was living in my sin. I was letting my addiction of food be my lord and master. I was a slave to it. I was going against what Paul was telling us. Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desire. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin as intsruments of wickedness.... Romans 6:12 I was convicted that I was doing this. I was letting it reign and I gave myself over to my Lord to help me break the stronghold. Since then, I have become stronger each day. Each day, I have faced my addiction and let the Lord break it.
It wasn't too long ago that I began realizing that my addiction didn't have a stronghold on me anymore. It was evident through little things. I no longer become angry or hurt when I am not able to eat cake at a birthday party. It doesn't phase me to turn down desserts. I don't think twice about my small portions anymore. I no longer feel deprived with my meager 1/2 cup of food. Instead, I feel satisfied and complete. But with this realization, came the fear. Fear that my addiction would overcome me again. Fear that I would not be able to maintain my weight. That somehow, the surgery would be for naught.
This is where I was this morning. Sitting and listening to the sermon and living with fear. That is when God spoke to me and made me realize that my addiction is dead to me. It died with Christ on the cross and because of that I AM FREE!. Oh, sweet joy!! The stronghold is broken and I can stand firm in the knowledge that I am no longer a slave to my addiction. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:14
There is one action that I must do daily to remain in this freedom. It is going to be the most important action that will lead to my success. It is the second part of Romans 6:12. ...rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. I must turn the parts of my body that were once used for sin and offer them DAILY to Christ. Not only my mouth and my stomach, but all parts of my body. This, my friend, is my new action plan. With this, all things are possible. Why? Because, God will be in control of all of me and when I stumble, I will be reminded that I am free. I can look sin and temptation in the face and say, "You are dead to me!". That alone gives me the courage to face each day! That alone strikes the fear out of my soul! Thank you, Lord, for the perfect gift of grace!
It wasn't too long ago that I began realizing that my addiction didn't have a stronghold on me anymore. It was evident through little things. I no longer become angry or hurt when I am not able to eat cake at a birthday party. It doesn't phase me to turn down desserts. I don't think twice about my small portions anymore. I no longer feel deprived with my meager 1/2 cup of food. Instead, I feel satisfied and complete. But with this realization, came the fear. Fear that my addiction would overcome me again. Fear that I would not be able to maintain my weight. That somehow, the surgery would be for naught.
This is where I was this morning. Sitting and listening to the sermon and living with fear. That is when God spoke to me and made me realize that my addiction is dead to me. It died with Christ on the cross and because of that I AM FREE!. Oh, sweet joy!! The stronghold is broken and I can stand firm in the knowledge that I am no longer a slave to my addiction. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:14
There is one action that I must do daily to remain in this freedom. It is going to be the most important action that will lead to my success. It is the second part of Romans 6:12. ...rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. I must turn the parts of my body that were once used for sin and offer them DAILY to Christ. Not only my mouth and my stomach, but all parts of my body. This, my friend, is my new action plan. With this, all things are possible. Why? Because, God will be in control of all of me and when I stumble, I will be reminded that I am free. I can look sin and temptation in the face and say, "You are dead to me!". That alone gives me the courage to face each day! That alone strikes the fear out of my soul! Thank you, Lord, for the perfect gift of grace!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Pray and Release
On September 6, 2011 I wrote a blog about having an identity crisis. I was at a spot that I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to be doing with my time now that Eleanor was in school. I remember that time in my life very clearly. I remember praying about a job, a chance to volunteer or something to make my days go by. His answer at that time was clearly to work on myself. Every time I tried to find something to do, it would fall through.
Since then, I have had several things come up and I would always pray and ask God if this was something he wanted me to do. I asked him about substituting or trying to find a job at a Mother's Morning Out. I asked him about possibly starting a chapter of Blessings in a Backpack in the Huntsville/Madison area. I asked him if I should be a travel agent and even went as far as asking my Sister in Law if she needed help with her business. Each time, the answer was no.
As time went by, I just didn't worry about it anymore. It was obvious that God just wanted me to be still. To focus on him and on being a wife and a mother. In fact, I stopped praying about my purpose in life. I stopped praying about what I was supposed to do. I just started living and taking each opportunity that was given to share the love of Christ. I volunteer regularly at Eleanor's school. I coupon and try to manage the gifts we have been given wisely. I just do what needs to be done and shop at Target in my free time. :)
Yesterday, out of the blue, my sister in law, April, called and asked if I was still interested in helping her out. She is so busy with her travel agency and another business she is a part of, that she felt like she needed to take on a couple of more people. I had to giggle to myself. It struck me funny that God worked it all out even when I wasn't actively pursuing anything. He orchastrated it all in his own timing. Isn't it neat how it always works out that way.
It was a great reminder to me that we should pray and leave it at the feet of Jesus. He hears our prayers the first time. He knows what we need and he is working it out for us. I don't think it is a bad thing to pray repeatedly for the same thing. But, we need to do it with the knowledge that he heard us the first time. Just becuase he doesn't answer right away does not mean that he isn't working on it. Sometimes it takes time to get everything and everyone to the right place. It reminds me of this beautiful hymn:
Have faith in God when you prayers are unanswered
Your earnest plea He will never forget
Wait on the Lord, trust His Word and be patient
Have faith in God, He'll answer yet
Since then, I have had several things come up and I would always pray and ask God if this was something he wanted me to do. I asked him about substituting or trying to find a job at a Mother's Morning Out. I asked him about possibly starting a chapter of Blessings in a Backpack in the Huntsville/Madison area. I asked him if I should be a travel agent and even went as far as asking my Sister in Law if she needed help with her business. Each time, the answer was no.
As time went by, I just didn't worry about it anymore. It was obvious that God just wanted me to be still. To focus on him and on being a wife and a mother. In fact, I stopped praying about my purpose in life. I stopped praying about what I was supposed to do. I just started living and taking each opportunity that was given to share the love of Christ. I volunteer regularly at Eleanor's school. I coupon and try to manage the gifts we have been given wisely. I just do what needs to be done and shop at Target in my free time. :)
Yesterday, out of the blue, my sister in law, April, called and asked if I was still interested in helping her out. She is so busy with her travel agency and another business she is a part of, that she felt like she needed to take on a couple of more people. I had to giggle to myself. It struck me funny that God worked it all out even when I wasn't actively pursuing anything. He orchastrated it all in his own timing. Isn't it neat how it always works out that way.
It was a great reminder to me that we should pray and leave it at the feet of Jesus. He hears our prayers the first time. He knows what we need and he is working it out for us. I don't think it is a bad thing to pray repeatedly for the same thing. But, we need to do it with the knowledge that he heard us the first time. Just becuase he doesn't answer right away does not mean that he isn't working on it. Sometimes it takes time to get everything and everyone to the right place. It reminds me of this beautiful hymn:
Have faith in God when you prayers are unanswered
Your earnest plea He will never forget
Wait on the Lord, trust His Word and be patient
Have faith in God, He'll answer yet
Monday, February 27, 2012
Learning to Rely on God
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we arselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God. 2 Corinthians 1:9
"I just can't catch a break!"
"Why is it always something? "
"Why is God picking on me? Can't he just let me catch my breath?"
Have you ever felt that way? I know I have. You are put through the refiner's fire only to be thrown back in again. Trail after trial comes your way and you feel like you can't handle anymore. Or you finally get a handle on something, only to feel like you are pushed back under water before you can get a full breath of air in your lungs. Time after time, God seems to be allowing you to go through too much.
I have certainly felt that way in the last few months. Just when I get comfortable and feel like things are under control, something else is thrown at me. But, I have started to be thankful for these times. Do I enjoy being pruned by my Lord? No, it is painful. But, I am seeing the fruits of it. I am seeing how God is reshaping and remolding me. I handle situations differently(most of the time). I see hardships and trials differently. I am learning very clear lessons.
One of the biggest lessons I am being taught is reliance on God. I am learning that God puts us in impossible situations that teach us one thing. To rely on him. We don't always go there. We sometimes rely on other things. Just as I used to rely on food for comfort when times got tough. But, my friend, when we learn to rely on God during the tough times, great things happen. Wonderful, amazing things happen. Oh, going through it STINKS! It is not like I wake up and say in a sing-song voice, "pick me, Lord! I want to be tested and tried today!!" But, I can tell you that I am ever so grateful that God has seen fit to make me more like him. So I will gladly learn this lesson time and time again.
Reliance on God isn't a one time lesson. Nothing is ever a one time lesson. We are self-centered people that often forget that we need God. It is shown time and again in the bible. God does great things for people and they are grateful. Then over time, they forget and they wander away from God. That is why I am glad that God keeps putting things in my path that make me turn back to him. Over and over again. The big and the small stuff keep me running to my Lord. Running and praying for guidance and for peace. Praying for strength and for patience. But most of all, praying that the lesson will be learned.
I need God. I can't do it without him. Not for a single minute. The more I realize that, the more I can sit back and let the Lord work. I don't fight the pruning as much as I once did. I am seeing that when I am relying on God, then his purpose is served. Because, in the end, that reliance turns into glorification of his name. It makes me realize that it was never possible without God. All the glory of making it through the tough times goes to the one who deserves it. GOD.
We need to stop looking at our trouble as negatives and see all the positives that are going to come out of it. It is all about a change of perspective. Oh, and a change of direction. We have to stop relying on ourselves and others and start relying on God.
...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God. 2 Corinthians 1:9
"I just can't catch a break!"
"Why is it always something? "
"Why is God picking on me? Can't he just let me catch my breath?"
Have you ever felt that way? I know I have. You are put through the refiner's fire only to be thrown back in again. Trail after trial comes your way and you feel like you can't handle anymore. Or you finally get a handle on something, only to feel like you are pushed back under water before you can get a full breath of air in your lungs. Time after time, God seems to be allowing you to go through too much.
I have certainly felt that way in the last few months. Just when I get comfortable and feel like things are under control, something else is thrown at me. But, I have started to be thankful for these times. Do I enjoy being pruned by my Lord? No, it is painful. But, I am seeing the fruits of it. I am seeing how God is reshaping and remolding me. I handle situations differently(most of the time). I see hardships and trials differently. I am learning very clear lessons.
One of the biggest lessons I am being taught is reliance on God. I am learning that God puts us in impossible situations that teach us one thing. To rely on him. We don't always go there. We sometimes rely on other things. Just as I used to rely on food for comfort when times got tough. But, my friend, when we learn to rely on God during the tough times, great things happen. Wonderful, amazing things happen. Oh, going through it STINKS! It is not like I wake up and say in a sing-song voice, "pick me, Lord! I want to be tested and tried today!!" But, I can tell you that I am ever so grateful that God has seen fit to make me more like him. So I will gladly learn this lesson time and time again.
Reliance on God isn't a one time lesson. Nothing is ever a one time lesson. We are self-centered people that often forget that we need God. It is shown time and again in the bible. God does great things for people and they are grateful. Then over time, they forget and they wander away from God. That is why I am glad that God keeps putting things in my path that make me turn back to him. Over and over again. The big and the small stuff keep me running to my Lord. Running and praying for guidance and for peace. Praying for strength and for patience. But most of all, praying that the lesson will be learned.
I need God. I can't do it without him. Not for a single minute. The more I realize that, the more I can sit back and let the Lord work. I don't fight the pruning as much as I once did. I am seeing that when I am relying on God, then his purpose is served. Because, in the end, that reliance turns into glorification of his name. It makes me realize that it was never possible without God. All the glory of making it through the tough times goes to the one who deserves it. GOD.
We need to stop looking at our trouble as negatives and see all the positives that are going to come out of it. It is all about a change of perspective. Oh, and a change of direction. We have to stop relying on ourselves and others and start relying on God.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
My Lenten Sacrifice
I want to start off by explaining why this Southern Baptist girl believes observing Lent can be so beneficial. It has always been a time for me to actively pursue a deeper relationship with God. Should it be the only time during the year that we do this? Why of course not, but it is a very special time when all the focus and attention is placed on the ultimate sacrifice that was made for each of us on the cross.
I have given up various things in the past. I have given up certain foods, taking naps, and eating out. These are just a few, but they serve as good examples of what I choose. You see, they represent aspects of my life that were not lining up with a right walk with God. They represents gluttony, slothfulness, and poor management of the gifts that God has given me. Because, really, is is a sin to drink Diet Mountain Dew or to take a nap? No, but it can be if it is what is coming between you and a good relationship with the Lord.
Now, in order for Lent to be done right, it needs to result in a change. It is not simply to give up something for 40 days only to return to your old habit when Easter rolls around. What good is it to deny yourself without allowing the Lord to work on the root of the problem?
With that said, I really couldn't think of anything to give up for Lent this year. I mean, my whole year has been sacrificing for my relationship with Christ. What more could I give? But, as I began to pray about it(Yes, you should let God choose it, not pick the thing that you think you can handle.), I realized there was something that God wanted me to give up. One last thing that has a hold on me. One thing that still controls me in this battle with my addiction. THE SCALE.
Strange and random, I know. But, the scale is the one thing that I am still obsessive about. That little piece of machinery controls my whole world. It either validates me or destroys me. It either makes me happy or it ruins my week. It controls my thoughts. Those moments with the scale tells me what kind of person I am. I allow it to dictate my self worth. There are years worth of rituals that have been developed with me and my scale. I can not imagine it being taken completely away from me. But, that is exactly what God has asked of me. He needs to break that last string of external dependence.
I know that my only validation should come from the Lord. I know that the scale shouldn't determine my mood or my self worth. That is a job for God. But, knowing it and actually believing it is different. So, for the next six weeks, I will be letting the Lord break me and then mold me into a woman that is even more dependent on him. A woman that can use the scale to determine the weight of my body and not the worthiness of my soul. For, if I only give up the scale and pine away for the moment that I can continue with my obsession, then it would have been for naught. That is not the point. The point is through my sacrifice that I be conformed. That every time I long for that scale for validation, that I will look to the cross instead. That my focus will be on Christ and not on the external.
I have given up various things in the past. I have given up certain foods, taking naps, and eating out. These are just a few, but they serve as good examples of what I choose. You see, they represent aspects of my life that were not lining up with a right walk with God. They represents gluttony, slothfulness, and poor management of the gifts that God has given me. Because, really, is is a sin to drink Diet Mountain Dew or to take a nap? No, but it can be if it is what is coming between you and a good relationship with the Lord.
Now, in order for Lent to be done right, it needs to result in a change. It is not simply to give up something for 40 days only to return to your old habit when Easter rolls around. What good is it to deny yourself without allowing the Lord to work on the root of the problem?
With that said, I really couldn't think of anything to give up for Lent this year. I mean, my whole year has been sacrificing for my relationship with Christ. What more could I give? But, as I began to pray about it(Yes, you should let God choose it, not pick the thing that you think you can handle.), I realized there was something that God wanted me to give up. One last thing that has a hold on me. One thing that still controls me in this battle with my addiction. THE SCALE.
Strange and random, I know. But, the scale is the one thing that I am still obsessive about. That little piece of machinery controls my whole world. It either validates me or destroys me. It either makes me happy or it ruins my week. It controls my thoughts. Those moments with the scale tells me what kind of person I am. I allow it to dictate my self worth. There are years worth of rituals that have been developed with me and my scale. I can not imagine it being taken completely away from me. But, that is exactly what God has asked of me. He needs to break that last string of external dependence.
I know that my only validation should come from the Lord. I know that the scale shouldn't determine my mood or my self worth. That is a job for God. But, knowing it and actually believing it is different. So, for the next six weeks, I will be letting the Lord break me and then mold me into a woman that is even more dependent on him. A woman that can use the scale to determine the weight of my body and not the worthiness of my soul. For, if I only give up the scale and pine away for the moment that I can continue with my obsession, then it would have been for naught. That is not the point. The point is through my sacrifice that I be conformed. That every time I long for that scale for validation, that I will look to the cross instead. That my focus will be on Christ and not on the external.
Friday, February 10, 2012
100 pounds
Today is the day, my friends. I am 100 pounds lighter than I was 9 months ago. All I can say, is praise the Lord. In my mind, I have been striving for this moment since the second that I woke up from my surgery. It isn't the end of the journey, but it is the moment that I can finally claim success. The moment that I can finally take a breath and know that the surgery worked.
It is a victorious moment. The very first thought I had when I saw that number on the scale this morning at the doctor's office was this.
HE IS STRONGER,
HE IS STRONGER,
SIN IS BROKEN,
HE HAS SAVED ME!
Oh, my friends, this song has been my anthem. Jesus is stronger than my addiction. Jesus has saved me from myself. Jesus broke my addiction when I never thought is was possible. Jesus has carried me through EVERY step of the way. There is no Mary in this victory. It has been proven time and time again that I couldn't even make a dent in the destruction of my life. I am living proof that God has won this victory. God has done a marvelous work in me. Day after day. Step after step. Pound after pound. He has transformed me.
But the most wonderful news is that he isn't finished with me yet! There is still weight to lose. I wonder what the next few months will bring. What lessons I will be taught. I am excited. I know that God is going to follow this through to completion. Next goal is 7 pounds. In seven pounds, I will be in ONEderland. Oh, how victorious it will be! Then from there, another 20 or so pounds until I am at my personal weight goal. Then it will be time to start trying for that second miracle. That baby that we so desire. So, my friends, it is going to be an exciting few months. Hang on to your hats!
It is a victorious moment. The very first thought I had when I saw that number on the scale this morning at the doctor's office was this.
HE IS STRONGER,
HE IS STRONGER,
SIN IS BROKEN,
HE HAS SAVED ME!
Oh, my friends, this song has been my anthem. Jesus is stronger than my addiction. Jesus has saved me from myself. Jesus broke my addiction when I never thought is was possible. Jesus has carried me through EVERY step of the way. There is no Mary in this victory. It has been proven time and time again that I couldn't even make a dent in the destruction of my life. I am living proof that God has won this victory. God has done a marvelous work in me. Day after day. Step after step. Pound after pound. He has transformed me.
But the most wonderful news is that he isn't finished with me yet! There is still weight to lose. I wonder what the next few months will bring. What lessons I will be taught. I am excited. I know that God is going to follow this through to completion. Next goal is 7 pounds. In seven pounds, I will be in ONEderland. Oh, how victorious it will be! Then from there, another 20 or so pounds until I am at my personal weight goal. Then it will be time to start trying for that second miracle. That baby that we so desire. So, my friends, it is going to be an exciting few months. Hang on to your hats!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Silent Trial
I want to write about something today that I am not very comfortable with. It is a topic that God has been prompting me to share, but I have been very resistant. I am hesitant simply because I do not want to cause anyone discomfort. I don't want for people to feel uncomfortable around me or to question my sincerity. But, none the less, God is urging me to share one of my most personal and difficult struggles with you all. Why? I don't know. I can't for the life of me see a reason why anyone would have to know. In fact, it has nothing to do with weight loss, so bare with me.
Bryan and I struggle with infertility. I know you may be thinking, but you don't have infertility. You already have a daughter. Eleanor was a miracle. She wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, we count that blessing every day. Yes, we know it is more than some have been blessed with. But, please don't discount our struggle to have another child. It is still our desire to have another child.
The question we are often asked is, "Are you guys going to have another child?" An innocent enough question, but, oh, how it nearly rips my heart out every time. That question never gets easier to hear. The struggle of trying for 5 years for a second child is brought to the surface and each time I have to fight to keep the emotions down.
Then the news of others expecting and delivering children is always hard. The pregnancy talk that naturally occurs at play dates and socials is sometimes more than I can bare. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I am truly overjoyed when someone else receives this blessing. There is no malice or ill feelings for the one that is pregnant. It is simply another reminder of what we have not received. So, the conflict is within my soul. It is never a feeling of how I feel about another person.
I think that very few can relate to the roller coaster of emotions that go along with infertility. Every month you are faced with the hope of what may be. Then it is always brought to a close with feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness. Month after month. Year after year. Always questioning never understanding. A silent battle that the infertile face in the alone moments. Very rarely speaking about it. Not knowing how to balance it in a world where there is always a reminder of what God has seen fit to withhold from you.
At times I find my self thinking that I must being doing something wrong. That God is somehow punishing me for something. The questions I often ask is "What is wrong with me? Why won't God give us the desire of our hearts?" I have prayed many times over that God would simply take the desire away.
Through the last 5 years, Bryan and I have found a contentment with what we have. It was a long road to get there, but we know that we have been blessed and actually enjoy our little family of 3. We gave myself a year off from trying. It has been a very peaceful 9 months. But, now is the time to start trying to get my body ready to conceive again. Medicines have begun and with that have come the emotions that go along with trying to conceive. Emotions that I have not had in awhile. Emotions that you never learn how to control.
Again, I have no idea why God feels it is necessary for me to share this with you all. Maybe it will be a reminder for those that are blessed so easily with children, not to take it for granted. Maybe there is someone out there that is longing for a different kind of blessing and never receiving. Maybe it is to bring awareness of those that are silently suffering with infertility. You know, the ones that are smiling on the outside and their heart is breaking on the inside every time they see a pregnant woman walk down the street.
I do know that God is with me every step of the way. I already see his hand in why he said no for so long. He needed to take me on this journey of weight loss and I would never have gone there had I received my blessing. But, now I fear and have trouble having faith that the answer will ever be yes. All I can do is pray as Hannah prayed. Pray in the hopes that one day, I will hold another child in my arms and receive my blessing. And on that day, be able to give all the glory to the God from whom all blessing flow.
Bryan and I struggle with infertility. I know you may be thinking, but you don't have infertility. You already have a daughter. Eleanor was a miracle. She wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, we count that blessing every day. Yes, we know it is more than some have been blessed with. But, please don't discount our struggle to have another child. It is still our desire to have another child.
The question we are often asked is, "Are you guys going to have another child?" An innocent enough question, but, oh, how it nearly rips my heart out every time. That question never gets easier to hear. The struggle of trying for 5 years for a second child is brought to the surface and each time I have to fight to keep the emotions down.
Then the news of others expecting and delivering children is always hard. The pregnancy talk that naturally occurs at play dates and socials is sometimes more than I can bare. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I am truly overjoyed when someone else receives this blessing. There is no malice or ill feelings for the one that is pregnant. It is simply another reminder of what we have not received. So, the conflict is within my soul. It is never a feeling of how I feel about another person.
I think that very few can relate to the roller coaster of emotions that go along with infertility. Every month you are faced with the hope of what may be. Then it is always brought to a close with feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness. Month after month. Year after year. Always questioning never understanding. A silent battle that the infertile face in the alone moments. Very rarely speaking about it. Not knowing how to balance it in a world where there is always a reminder of what God has seen fit to withhold from you.
At times I find my self thinking that I must being doing something wrong. That God is somehow punishing me for something. The questions I often ask is "What is wrong with me? Why won't God give us the desire of our hearts?" I have prayed many times over that God would simply take the desire away.
Through the last 5 years, Bryan and I have found a contentment with what we have. It was a long road to get there, but we know that we have been blessed and actually enjoy our little family of 3. We gave myself a year off from trying. It has been a very peaceful 9 months. But, now is the time to start trying to get my body ready to conceive again. Medicines have begun and with that have come the emotions that go along with trying to conceive. Emotions that I have not had in awhile. Emotions that you never learn how to control.
Again, I have no idea why God feels it is necessary for me to share this with you all. Maybe it will be a reminder for those that are blessed so easily with children, not to take it for granted. Maybe there is someone out there that is longing for a different kind of blessing and never receiving. Maybe it is to bring awareness of those that are silently suffering with infertility. You know, the ones that are smiling on the outside and their heart is breaking on the inside every time they see a pregnant woman walk down the street.
I do know that God is with me every step of the way. I already see his hand in why he said no for so long. He needed to take me on this journey of weight loss and I would never have gone there had I received my blessing. But, now I fear and have trouble having faith that the answer will ever be yes. All I can do is pray as Hannah prayed. Pray in the hopes that one day, I will hold another child in my arms and receive my blessing. And on that day, be able to give all the glory to the God from whom all blessing flow.
Friday, February 3, 2012
What We Worship
What we fix our attention, heart, and mind on is what we'll worship. What we worship becomes magnified. And what is magnified will consume us and perpetuate more and more worship. -Lysa Terkeurst
I stopped and reflected on this statement this morning. I had to ask myself, "What are you worshiping? What is consuming your thoughts?" The answer, sadly, was not Jesus. The answer was the scale. I have been all consumed with hitting the one hundred pound mark this month.
Even though I am only weighing once a week, the scale is constantly on my mind. I wonder what the number will be. Will it reflect my efforts and my choices? I count down the days until weigh in day. I start getting panicked as Monday draws near. I begin to worry about particular foods and drinks having an effect on the weight on the scale. The scale is always looming in my mind. I have become fearful of the scale.
I am glad that God brought this to my attention this morning. Sometimes it is good to have a self-check moment to make sure that you are still on course. I feel like this is what happened this morning. It was God nudging me and reminding me that my focus should be on him. Another reminder that when I take my eyes off of him, things start to unravel. My peace is taken from me. Worry and fear begin to be overwhelming.
I am reminded in Matthew 6 that there is no need to worry. Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25 & 27 What good is it going to do me to worry about the number on the scale? Isn't life more important than that number?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33&34
All I have to do is stay focused on God and everything else will fall into place. It is a lesson that I think God will forever have to remind me of. It is never about what I can do. But, always about what he can do through me. Why? So it is all for his glory and never about my efforts.
I stopped and reflected on this statement this morning. I had to ask myself, "What are you worshiping? What is consuming your thoughts?" The answer, sadly, was not Jesus. The answer was the scale. I have been all consumed with hitting the one hundred pound mark this month.
Even though I am only weighing once a week, the scale is constantly on my mind. I wonder what the number will be. Will it reflect my efforts and my choices? I count down the days until weigh in day. I start getting panicked as Monday draws near. I begin to worry about particular foods and drinks having an effect on the weight on the scale. The scale is always looming in my mind. I have become fearful of the scale.
I am glad that God brought this to my attention this morning. Sometimes it is good to have a self-check moment to make sure that you are still on course. I feel like this is what happened this morning. It was God nudging me and reminding me that my focus should be on him. Another reminder that when I take my eyes off of him, things start to unravel. My peace is taken from me. Worry and fear begin to be overwhelming.
I am reminded in Matthew 6 that there is no need to worry. Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25 & 27 What good is it going to do me to worry about the number on the scale? Isn't life more important than that number?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33&34
All I have to do is stay focused on God and everything else will fall into place. It is a lesson that I think God will forever have to remind me of. It is never about what I can do. But, always about what he can do through me. Why? So it is all for his glory and never about my efforts.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Plateau
I have hit my first plateau. Now, I know this is not so bad. It is the first one in nine months. In fact, it is incredible that it hasn't happened before now. That doesn't mean that it doesn't knock a little air out of you when it happens. Now, nine months ago it would have devestated me. Today, it just refocuses me. Makes me turn inward and upward to try and figure out what is going on.
I have evaluated my eating habits in the last month and discovered that I am eating more now that I am feeling better from my gallbladder being removed. I no longer feel sick every time I eat, so I am consuming more food than I was previously eating. So, I can adjust that in hopes that it will kick start my weight loss again.
I also look upward to see what God is wanting to teach me. It all comes down to faith. One little word that carries such weight. I have been struggling with faith lately. Not having faith that God is going to see me all the way through this. Not having faith, that God will grant the desires of my heart. Not having faith that God will even answer prayers in general. So, really, I have a faith issue, not a weight issue.
It is not a coincidence that my scripture reading today was the "faith chapter" in Hebrews. Hebrews 11 lists example after example of people that had faith in God. Faith even when they weren't sure of their circumstances. Faith even when it didn't make sense to do what God was asking of them. Faith even when they didn't see the promises of God fulfilled within their lifetime. Simple faith.
Only, it doesn't seem so simple to me. I find myself doubting God's commitment to me. Doubting that it could be true that the Lord would take me all the way. But where, my friend, does doubt come from? Satan. Believe me when I say, he has pledged a war against me and right now, he is winning. He has found a way to make me focus on the negatives. So much so, that no matter how many times I am told what a great job I am doing or how many times I stop to see how far God has brought me, I am always brought back to the negative. There is Satan's voice in my ear telling me "You will not be victorious over this. You will fail just like you always do." I am sad to say, that most of the time I believe it.
Now, here is what I am going to do. I am going to defeat Satan with the truth. Truth of who God is and what God says. Satan can not stand when faced with the truth. These are my truths.
1. God is faithful to complete what he has started. Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
2. God does not lie. ...it is impossible for God to lie...Hebrews 6:18
3. God will reward the faithful. So I have to stand firm, keep the faith and persevere. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... Hebrews 12:1-2a
Maybe, just maybe, one day I will be an example of how everything is possible for him who believes. Mark 9:23
I have evaluated my eating habits in the last month and discovered that I am eating more now that I am feeling better from my gallbladder being removed. I no longer feel sick every time I eat, so I am consuming more food than I was previously eating. So, I can adjust that in hopes that it will kick start my weight loss again.
I also look upward to see what God is wanting to teach me. It all comes down to faith. One little word that carries such weight. I have been struggling with faith lately. Not having faith that God is going to see me all the way through this. Not having faith, that God will grant the desires of my heart. Not having faith that God will even answer prayers in general. So, really, I have a faith issue, not a weight issue.
It is not a coincidence that my scripture reading today was the "faith chapter" in Hebrews. Hebrews 11 lists example after example of people that had faith in God. Faith even when they weren't sure of their circumstances. Faith even when it didn't make sense to do what God was asking of them. Faith even when they didn't see the promises of God fulfilled within their lifetime. Simple faith.
Only, it doesn't seem so simple to me. I find myself doubting God's commitment to me. Doubting that it could be true that the Lord would take me all the way. But where, my friend, does doubt come from? Satan. Believe me when I say, he has pledged a war against me and right now, he is winning. He has found a way to make me focus on the negatives. So much so, that no matter how many times I am told what a great job I am doing or how many times I stop to see how far God has brought me, I am always brought back to the negative. There is Satan's voice in my ear telling me "You will not be victorious over this. You will fail just like you always do." I am sad to say, that most of the time I believe it.
Now, here is what I am going to do. I am going to defeat Satan with the truth. Truth of who God is and what God says. Satan can not stand when faced with the truth. These are my truths.
1. God is faithful to complete what he has started. Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
2. God does not lie. ...it is impossible for God to lie...Hebrews 6:18
3. God will reward the faithful. So I have to stand firm, keep the faith and persevere. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... Hebrews 12:1-2a
Maybe, just maybe, one day I will be an example of how everything is possible for him who believes. Mark 9:23
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Non Scale Victories (NSV)
There is a forum that I like to read that is just for people that have Vertical Sleeves. On that forum, there are posts that are made about Non-Scale Victories. It is something that has been bumping around in my head. I feel that so many times all the focus is on the number on the scale and not on all the different things that come along with weight loss or living a healthier lifestyle. So today, I have decided to list some of my NSVs.
*I can fit into the seats at church without metal digging into my thighs
*I can climb a set of stairs without being winded
*I bought a belt for the first time in 15 years
* I no longer have to buy Plus Size clothing
* I will not have to ask for a seat belt extender on airplanes the next time I fly
* I fit into a pair of Levi jeans
* My belly doesn't touch the table of a restaurant booth anymore
* My blood pressure is normal and my triglycerides are now just borderline high
* I don't feel uncomfortable in a movie theater seat. I don't feel like I am intruding in my neighbor's space.
* My PCOS symptoms are decreasing
* I can no longer tolerate foods with lots of preservatives(lunch meat, tv dinners, etc)
* I have made it through almost a year of parties without giving into temptation
* I can snuggle with Eleanor without my belly getting in the way
* I have become a positive role model for my daughter. I am practicing what I am preaching.
* I can finally see my feet!
There are so many more things that I could list, but I think you get the point. Sometimes we have to change our perspective. I know that none of the above could have been possible if I hadn't kept my eyes on the Lord and trusted in him to get me through this. Now that the end of the weight loss is in sight, I get to begin to switch my perspective to how I will live the rest of my life. Lord willing, it is going to be many years of fun, active, and healthy experiences with my friends and family!
*I can fit into the seats at church without metal digging into my thighs
*I can climb a set of stairs without being winded
*I bought a belt for the first time in 15 years
* I no longer have to buy Plus Size clothing
* I will not have to ask for a seat belt extender on airplanes the next time I fly
* I fit into a pair of Levi jeans
* My belly doesn't touch the table of a restaurant booth anymore
* My blood pressure is normal and my triglycerides are now just borderline high
* I don't feel uncomfortable in a movie theater seat. I don't feel like I am intruding in my neighbor's space.
* My PCOS symptoms are decreasing
* I can no longer tolerate foods with lots of preservatives(lunch meat, tv dinners, etc)
* I have made it through almost a year of parties without giving into temptation
* I can snuggle with Eleanor without my belly getting in the way
* I have become a positive role model for my daughter. I am practicing what I am preaching.
* I can finally see my feet!
There are so many more things that I could list, but I think you get the point. Sometimes we have to change our perspective. I know that none of the above could have been possible if I hadn't kept my eyes on the Lord and trusted in him to get me through this. Now that the end of the weight loss is in sight, I get to begin to switch my perspective to how I will live the rest of my life. Lord willing, it is going to be many years of fun, active, and healthy experiences with my friends and family!
Friday, January 20, 2012
How Many Times
"Eleanor, I need you to eat something." "Eleanor, eat your Fruit Loops." "Eleanor, do not disobey me. I said eat your breakfast." After 20 minutes of comments like these I was angry. It wasn't like I was asking her to do something just because. We normally don't push breakfast(because Eleanor just doesn't seem to be able to eat first thing in the morning). But, this morning, I knew it was important. I knew that because she is on an antibiotic that she could end up having an accident at school that could cause her embarrassment. I wanted to save her from that. Mommy knew best in this case. Active disobedience from my child is something that pushes me over the edge every time. So what did I do? I yelled, stomped my foot and even slammed my fist down and I caused my child to cry out in fear.
I was convicted of my reaction. I asked God for forgiveness and then asked Eleanor to forgive me for losing my temper. Then off to school she went.
Then, as I sat down for my quiet time, both my devotion and my daily bible reading had the same verse in them. I mean, how did Lysa Terkeurst know that I would be reading Hebrews at the same time I was reading her devotion! Oh wait, that was probably a God thing, huh?
Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16
It wasn't ten minutes later that I was screaming, stomping, and throwing a bag of cheese across the kitchen because Bryan had made me angry. As I took a few minutes alone in Mommy time out, I began to realize that I had just done the same thing again. Lost my temper. So again I went to God and Bryan and asked for forgiveness.
It made me stop and think. Does God ever get tired of doling out grace? I mean, shouldn't I have learned my lesson after the first explosion this morning? How many more times in my life is God going to have to forgive me for my temper? Does he ever want to shake me and tell me that enough is enough? Does he want to throw his hands up and say, "Mary, I just can't forgive you this time. You have done it one too many times!"?
Then, I am reminded that God's grace covers all my sins. Not just the first few times that I fail, but every time I fail. That is how much he loves me. So, now I find peace in knowing that I can't fall out of God's grace. It gives me the strength and the courage to get up and dust myself off. To ask for his guidance. To ask him to change my character in a way that will glorify him more. Here is to hoping that the next time my temper threatens to flare, that God will have taught me a better way to handle the situation.
P.S. For those that are wondering, the bag of cheese was closed. There was no cheese lost in the midst of the tantrum. Yes, I know some of you were thinking it!
I was convicted of my reaction. I asked God for forgiveness and then asked Eleanor to forgive me for losing my temper. Then off to school she went.
Then, as I sat down for my quiet time, both my devotion and my daily bible reading had the same verse in them. I mean, how did Lysa Terkeurst know that I would be reading Hebrews at the same time I was reading her devotion! Oh wait, that was probably a God thing, huh?
Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16
It wasn't ten minutes later that I was screaming, stomping, and throwing a bag of cheese across the kitchen because Bryan had made me angry. As I took a few minutes alone in Mommy time out, I began to realize that I had just done the same thing again. Lost my temper. So again I went to God and Bryan and asked for forgiveness.
It made me stop and think. Does God ever get tired of doling out grace? I mean, shouldn't I have learned my lesson after the first explosion this morning? How many more times in my life is God going to have to forgive me for my temper? Does he ever want to shake me and tell me that enough is enough? Does he want to throw his hands up and say, "Mary, I just can't forgive you this time. You have done it one too many times!"?
Then, I am reminded that God's grace covers all my sins. Not just the first few times that I fail, but every time I fail. That is how much he loves me. So, now I find peace in knowing that I can't fall out of God's grace. It gives me the strength and the courage to get up and dust myself off. To ask for his guidance. To ask him to change my character in a way that will glorify him more. Here is to hoping that the next time my temper threatens to flare, that God will have taught me a better way to handle the situation.
P.S. For those that are wondering, the bag of cheese was closed. There was no cheese lost in the midst of the tantrum. Yes, I know some of you were thinking it!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Unsettled
Before I get to my 8 month post op update, I want to share with you all what has been going on with me this week. I have hit many milestones in the last few weeks. I have bought a belt for the first time in over 15 years. I have officially left the plus size clothing world. I am so close to losing 100 pounds that I can taste the victory. I put on an outfit that stopped my husband dead in his tracks. So, shouldn't I be jumping for joy. Shouldn't I be so excited that all my dreams are finally coming to pass. I am within 30 pounds of hitting my personal weight goal. But, I am unsettled.
I have been dealing with some very negative inner monologue in the last couple of weeks. Horrible thoughts about the way that I look with no clothes on. Self depreciating thoughts about this blog. Wondering why I even do it. Asking myself if everyone is completely sick of hearing about my journey. Over and over in my mind, I have started to believe lies about myself. Lies that Satan is planting into my soul.
Today, I was reminded in two ways that God is working. I was reminded that this blog is important by a dear friend's email. An encouragement and confirmation that I am doing what God wants me to do that came at the exact moment that I needed it. For that friend, I say "Thank you!". Thank you for following God's prompting in writing that email. For at the moment I received it, I was sitting on the couch listening to the lies and debating whether or not to even get on the computer and type this blog.
Another reminder came from the Made to Crave Devotional. Today's devotional was a reminder that success does not come from what size clothes that you fit into or the number on the scale, but it comes from the peace that you feel inside. It made me realize that peace is what I have been missing. It allowed me to cry out to my Lord to fill me with the peace that only he can give. A peace that will settle my soul.
It brought me back to the reality that it doesn't matter how much I lost on the scale this week(which wasn't what I had hoped for).
So, thank you all who have encouraged me along the way. God always sends someone when I need it the most to encourage me to keep going, keep striving towards my goal. But, to also remind me that my goal is not a number on the scale, but to find and keep the peace that living free from an addiction can give me. A peace that I can only gain through Christ.
Alright, now onto where I am with my weight loss. I have lost 95 pounds and 57 inches. I have had to switch to a shirt in the pictures because the lose skin in more than anyone would want to see on my belly and thighs(No wonder they duct tape the Biggest Loser contestants' tummies and legs for the finale!).
Oh, and I realized that these outfits were similar. Thought it was crazy the difference!
Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you. " Isaiah 12:4-6
I have been dealing with some very negative inner monologue in the last couple of weeks. Horrible thoughts about the way that I look with no clothes on. Self depreciating thoughts about this blog. Wondering why I even do it. Asking myself if everyone is completely sick of hearing about my journey. Over and over in my mind, I have started to believe lies about myself. Lies that Satan is planting into my soul.
Today, I was reminded in two ways that God is working. I was reminded that this blog is important by a dear friend's email. An encouragement and confirmation that I am doing what God wants me to do that came at the exact moment that I needed it. For that friend, I say "Thank you!". Thank you for following God's prompting in writing that email. For at the moment I received it, I was sitting on the couch listening to the lies and debating whether or not to even get on the computer and type this blog.
Another reminder came from the Made to Crave Devotional. Today's devotional was a reminder that success does not come from what size clothes that you fit into or the number on the scale, but it comes from the peace that you feel inside. It made me realize that peace is what I have been missing. It allowed me to cry out to my Lord to fill me with the peace that only he can give. A peace that will settle my soul.
It brought me back to the reality that it doesn't matter how much I lost on the scale this week(which wasn't what I had hoped for).
So, thank you all who have encouraged me along the way. God always sends someone when I need it the most to encourage me to keep going, keep striving towards my goal. But, to also remind me that my goal is not a number on the scale, but to find and keep the peace that living free from an addiction can give me. A peace that I can only gain through Christ.
Alright, now onto where I am with my weight loss. I have lost 95 pounds and 57 inches. I have had to switch to a shirt in the pictures because the lose skin in more than anyone would want to see on my belly and thighs(No wonder they duct tape the Biggest Loser contestants' tummies and legs for the finale!).
Oh, and I realized that these outfits were similar. Thought it was crazy the difference!
Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you. " Isaiah 12:4-6
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